Alright.
I've done a lot of thinking. A lot of negative thinking.
I'm struggling to see how to fit into my life. And all this time I've seen myself as the problem (and I agree, to an extent, it is me) but what about where I am? I don't feel like I belong in any of this.
My family is focused around my sister, rightfully. Once she moves to uni and can be okay on her own two feet, she should be okay without me.
Friends don't particularly want and/or need me.
The only thing holding me is my degree. So...
Is it right to just run?
The way its formed in my head, I work my way through second year. Do a year abroad, get a feel for living in a different country. Do my final year back here, and then after, I move. I'm talking a different country. Use the meantime to build myself up, start to distance from people, become okay on my own.
A huge part of me wants to cut off my old life completely. Cut off all the people, and cut off all my past. Just start as someone else. This part feels a little more uncertain but I know I'll never be able to move forward whilst revisiting old issues and that means cutting people. That will be hard, it already makes me sad. But it feels necessary, and it feels like I've got a chance that way.
Once I move, I could start with further study, or just find a job.
I'd save up through uni for the next couple of years, set aside some of my loan each term (I'm lucky enough to get the full amount).
Everything in me just screams to get out of here.
I am very aware that's the most selfish thought I've had. I'm very aware I'm going to hurt a lot of people. But at the moment, I'm just creating so much pain for people anyway. I've upset 3 people in the past 24 hours. And I don't see where I fit with any of them. Except Ali. Maybe a better option is staying in touch with just close family... talking to them every now and again but having the distance of living away from them.
I want to know whether I'm off my face or not. I don't know. I'm clinging to any sort of possible hope of making it through this. The other half of my says just to kill myself and not bother fighting through another three years. But I'm scared of failing, and I'm scared of losing what I have, too. That sounds ridiculous because I don't know what I have that's worth staying for. But I'm scared of losing it.
Stupid idea? Good idea? Another idea? I don't know. I want a way forward and at the moment I'm struggling to see one with the person I am and the place I'm in.
I'm just in a really, really bad place at the minute. I already feel cut off from friends, I've lost a couple and others are upset, my dad's prepping for release, my break up hurt and man, I just don't want to keep going where I am. I cry too much and I'm sick of being this.
I've done a lot of thinking. A lot of negative thinking.
I'm struggling to see how to fit into my life. And all this time I've seen myself as the problem (and I agree, to an extent, it is me) but what about where I am? I don't feel like I belong in any of this.
My family is focused around my sister, rightfully. Once she moves to uni and can be okay on her own two feet, she should be okay without me.
Friends don't particularly want and/or need me.
The only thing holding me is my degree. So...
Is it right to just run?
The way its formed in my head, I work my way through second year. Do a year abroad, get a feel for living in a different country. Do my final year back here, and then after, I move. I'm talking a different country. Use the meantime to build myself up, start to distance from people, become okay on my own.
A huge part of me wants to cut off my old life completely. Cut off all the people, and cut off all my past. Just start as someone else. This part feels a little more uncertain but I know I'll never be able to move forward whilst revisiting old issues and that means cutting people. That will be hard, it already makes me sad. But it feels necessary, and it feels like I've got a chance that way.
Once I move, I could start with further study, or just find a job.
I'd save up through uni for the next couple of years, set aside some of my loan each term (I'm lucky enough to get the full amount).
Everything in me just screams to get out of here.
I am very aware that's the most selfish thought I've had. I'm very aware I'm going to hurt a lot of people. But at the moment, I'm just creating so much pain for people anyway. I've upset 3 people in the past 24 hours. And I don't see where I fit with any of them. Except Ali. Maybe a better option is staying in touch with just close family... talking to them every now and again but having the distance of living away from them.
I want to know whether I'm off my face or not. I don't know. I'm clinging to any sort of possible hope of making it through this. The other half of my says just to kill myself and not bother fighting through another three years. But I'm scared of failing, and I'm scared of losing what I have, too. That sounds ridiculous because I don't know what I have that's worth staying for. But I'm scared of losing it.
Stupid idea? Good idea? Another idea? I don't know. I want a way forward and at the moment I'm struggling to see one with the person I am and the place I'm in.
I'm just in a really, really bad place at the minute. I already feel cut off from friends, I've lost a couple and others are upset, my dad's prepping for release, my break up hurt and man, I just don't want to keep going where I am. I cry too much and I'm sick of being this.