Another random depressed suicidal person

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Uglyasdf, Nov 6, 2007.

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  1. Uglyasdf

    Uglyasdf New Member

    I've been a member here for a while now. Don't really contribute much, and I only come here periodically when I'm really fucked up. Can still remember almost all the times I've been here. I've had problems for quite som time now, and it started about three years from now. At times I get really depressed and suicidial, but sometimes I also get my better moments, where I have some hope for the future. Mostly the first one lately.

    Some months ago I was very close from commiting suicide, and last week again. Lately, when thinking of commiting suicide, I dont feel sad. Before, it was the opposite, but now I see it as something that has to be done. Last week, when sitting in my car, I was ready to die any moment. It was strange and I had mixed feelings. Sadly, without going into details, there was clearly something that went wrong, but I really thougt it was going happen this time. Anyway I decided to postpone it, and now I feel that the end is very near. At the moment I'm waiting for something that I feel is required to do it, and I should have it within a week or so.

    Don't know why I'm even bothering to post here. Noone of you care whether I live or die. I'm just another anonymous person that you'll never see. Your comments are also just empty words, with no meaning behind them.
  2. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hi there,

    I'm sorry that you feel this way but i'm glad that you did post these feelings, even if the replies may not help you in the way that you would like. Can i ask whether there's anything specific that would help you right now?

    Sounds like you're in a really difficult place at the moment, and i genuinely do hope that you do not end your life. Has anything in particular happened that's brought about these feelings? You say that you also have good times as well as the bad.. i hope that you're able, somehow, to hold on to the fact that the bad feelings you're experiencing right now, will not last.. those good feelings will return.. if you give yourself time.

  3. Uglyasdf

    Uglyasdf New Member

    In theory I do know what could help me, and I know how I've made my self this way, but it's such a long way getting there and I'm really not motivated. Just want to end this now. I have very little joy in my life, and not one day passes without these negative thoughts. My therapist feels like a threat to me now, so I'm avoiding him. I don't want to lie to him, but if I don't, I'll get commited.
  4. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    Therapist? screw him, just do what you wanna do man.. drink pop, write down your feelings, play guitar, learn stuff, go out, lay in bed all day, eat Lindt chocolates, watch random videos on youtube.. except taking your life.

    Put that on hold for a while if you can...

    release yourself from all responsibilities and do whatever the hell you want to do. Don't think too much, just do.

    I'm feeling paranoid and suicidal right now.. I dunno.. maybe I'll follow in your footstep soon..

    It is a very bittersweet feeling.. knowing life can be beautiful but mine is downward spiral.. bitter like 99% cacao chocolate..

    I don't know about you, but if your problem is external(things that happened to you from outside source)and not "internal"(i.e: self-hatred driven from inside), just know it's possible to fix it somehow.

    my comment is empty and devoid of emotions.. I know but.. I sincerely hope you'd hold on a little bit longer.
  5. Uglyasdf

    Uglyasdf New Member

    Saeyoon Chung: I've been living like that for the last month or so. I've eaten a lot of junk food, goodies, and doing the few things I like. Unfortunately this involves sitting in front of my computer watching series and playing games etc. I've been thinking like since I'm going to die soon it doesn't matter anymore, and I've completely barricated my self and avoided real life. Doing these things make me feel good in some time-frame, but it's also killing me. I'm very dissapointed in my self, and hate my self for not doing my duties. My expectations are killing me, and as long as I continue like this it only gets worse. I can't just release my self from all responsibilities, because there is pressure from my self and the people around me. My problems are mostly "internal", and I know it's possible to get better, but as mentioned before: The problems lies deep, and I need a lot of treatment to get better. I haven't even given a lot of effort in becoming better. I just don't care anymore. Could be that my medication influences this thinking, I don't know.
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