Another reason why I'm fed up with my life

A couple of years ago, my mother tried to have me committed. She had come to visit my elderly aunt I live with. Why she felt the need to do this, is beyond me as I was not suicidal at the time. I told them at the emergency room that even though I was hurting and at times thought about it, I wasn't currently suicidal. They released me, but my mother wouldn't pick me up because I "refused to get help" That wasn't true....I refused to let her control my life in such a selfish way. They ended up letting me go any way. I had to walk over 13 miles in the dark. That entire walk I felt sad, angry, hopeless and a lot of other emotions. For several months after, my mother acted like I didn't even exist. This all proved one thing: she didn't give a damn about me "getting help"

Last month I tried to tell her for some reason I was feeling depressed and unsure about life. I didn't say it directly. But she said something that made me angry. She said if I were thinking of doing something drastic, it would be detrimental to her. When she said that I thought about that night walking in the dark. She had no fucking clue how many times I wanted to take my life as I was walking through that darkness. She didn't care.

I guess that's why I'm starting to hate my family.....they talk about right and wrong and responsibility, but in the end, I rarely see them practice what they preach. I am 31 years old and the only time I am remotely seen as an adult is when someone wants to put me down for not being in a certain place in my life, because apparently every adult my age is perfect. I don't need that shit. That, along with four years of pain, is why I have to take my life.

I'm not sure if this made sense, but if it didn't feel free to ask for clarification.

 

It sounds like your mom is broken and that you may have inherited that from her. I know I did, my mom is Schizophrenic and suffers from Bipolar disorder, and I've been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and Schizoaffective Residual type. Apparently people are labeled something when they express certain behaviors, thoughts, and speech on both sides of the scale.

I'm also 31 and have been suicidal for the last 9 years and NOTHING has changed. I have tried medications, major lap band surgery to help me lose weight, therapists, counselors, doctors, books, working, school, exercise, drugs, sex, friendship, music, hobbies, spirituality, religion, even communicating with aliens and anything else I can get my hands on to make a change within myself and nothing motivates or inspires me, changes how I feel, or makes me want to continue living.

Turns out that it's either all false promises that only worked for someone else, or that I'm not worthy of being helped. Even in the case of being helped, it's always half-assed and not whole-assed and of course eventually you get the feeling of beggars can't be choosers along with the stink-eye from people around you like you're getting off on all that is happening.

Some people NEVER should have given birth to children as they are CHILDREN THEMSELVES. They have NO idea what it means to be responsible for ANOTHER LIVING CREATURE THAT THEY CREATED!

YES - When and if you kill yourself, a LOT of people will be sad. Tough shit. I delt with it, it's going nowhere and now it's their turn. And no it's not meant to be revenge led by a cheer leading squad, this is just a side-effect. Even if anyone who is left sad actually "cared," it obviously wasn't enough and that was the best they could do.

It's basically a tug of war between YOU having to deal with it, or killing yourself and having THEM deal with it. They use Guilt, God, and Hell to get you to stay. Really? You love me by GUILTING me into staying so that I can see how much you REALLY love me? Pathetic. The whole time they look at you with this "You have no idea what you're saying, you don't really even mean that and as soon as you do what I say, you still start to feel better and finally leave me the fuck alone"

NO ONE will EVER say "yeah kill yourself man, you're life sucks ass, I TOTALLY wouldn't blame you if you did, and if I was in your shoes, I would have done it sooner" and actually have some wisdom behind it to understand that it is really better to leave.

NO ONE will say "You know what, we could try giving you a much needed break and a better environment. Move in with me because I'm educated and have the resources to share with you until you're on your feet. (The failure of this IS the bane of humanity)

EVERYONE will say "Think of the pain you will throw onto everyone else. Your family and friends will be in guilt forever! What about hell, what about god, what about blah blah blah blah blah (I don't want to deal with this) blah blah blah (Just go away) blah blah blah (deal with it yourself) blah blah blah (something to make you feel guilty here) blah blah blah (and here) blah blah blah (and here too) blah blah blah blah (hell) blah blah blah blah (god) blah blah blah blah (guilt) blah blah blah (in the [book written by who again?] it says that you will burn in eternal hell). Garbage.

At the very least be honest and say "look, I don't know how to help you, I don't HAVE anything to help you. I WILL NOT repeat to you the garbage given to me by doctors and everyone else. I understand that this maybe be something that can never be fixed like a lot of things in life. What I CAN do is be alongside you when we're BOTH trying everything we can to make this better or at least tolerable. If it is still too much to deal with AFTER we have tried everything, I understand any decision you might make because if I truly love you, and if I can't help you, I want you to be free of this broken meat suit and not hold you back because of my own selfishness. I will definitely miss you and be in pain forever, but I understand that not everything works out in life. WE tried our best and it wasn't enough. So all I can be is your morphine while you wait."

 

Whether my mother has some mental disorder is not known, but what I do know is that I did not inherit disorder from her or anyone else. I know why I'm depressed...im not anything else other than that. I don't know what people can do to help someone out of that dark place. Maybe I read what you wrote mostly in the wrong way, but it's hard to see your point clearly.

 

Sorry I hope I didn't offend you by assuming inherited suffering.

I guess my point would be for people to be honest and open. Communication of actual intent is the only thing missing really. OTHER people's fear of me talking openly about my serious consideration of eventually killing myself is what is mostly the problem. Everyone ignores each other, and they do so because if they spread THEMSELVES too thin, then THEY will cease to exist. It's their survial mechanism, but mines broken or missing. You can fill the empty spot by TRUTHFULLY speaking WITH me.

 

No, I didn't mean to take what you said personally. But yeah I think what you said makes sense for the most part.