Another Round.....God Please Let This Be The End of Cycling

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sofie, May 26, 2016.

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  1. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    I have been cycling through periods of intense suicidal desires back to being 'okay' for several months now. It is hell and until a couple days ago, I was ready to be done -- set the date, knew the plan, everything. This morning I thought about whether it is time to give up, whether I truly think that it is time or not…the jury is still out but I am at least sure that I have not truly given ‘this’ my best effort and until I do that and know that I am still not salvageable even with my best efforts, maybe I should not give up. When I was thinking about what “best effort” meant, I easily came up with what it means in terms of physical – eating better, being more active—but when I came to what it meant to give it my best effort mentally, I stumbled to find an answer and literally felt a fear rise up in me. I started to cry and immediately asked God to please, please help me know what that means, what does it mean to be trying my best mentally???? Please, please give me SOMETHING to know that I have not been abandoned, that I am not alone in my fear.

    At first, I didn’t really feel anything, I used breathing techniques and talking to myself as a friend would to bring myself back from the edge of an all out sobbing. I went about my morning as usual, fixing my hair, getting dressed, making lunch, etc. On the drive to work, about half way, I noticed the sun. It was shining from behind the clouds with rays being visible coming through the clouds.

    When I was 20, I am now 38, my mom almost died – she went into cardiac arrest three times and was brought back each time. No doctor understands why she made it. When the pastor of the hospital called to tell me that she was in the hospital and I should get there ‘as soon as possible’, I immediately had a friend drive me the hour home. Most of the drive there, the sky was filled with dark clouds, but just outside of the town where my mom lived/was in the hospital of, the sun came through the clouds and rays could be seen reaching down to the earth. I immediately know that was a sign that my mom was still alive. I was terrified she would die before I got there. She lived through it all, but that sign was SO clear to me, I will never forget it.

    The sun this morning was coming through the clouds just like when mom almost died – it was a sign to me then that all was going to be okay and it felt like that it was a sign for saying that now. As I continued to drive to work, I started doubting myself – maybe that is not a sign, maybe I am just WANTING it to be more than it is and the reality is that the sun is just the sun and that is how it happened to look this morning but had no greater significance.

    Then, just as I am thinking these thoughts and doubting the existence of God, I see a lone bumper sticker on the car right in front of me – “Don’t believe everything you think”. God spoke to me this morning. He made sure I knew I was not alone. I have a lot of rage with God...I feel like he abandoned me when I was being raped as a child and do not understand why he would let that happen....but this morning, he made sure I knew he was still there and still loves me. For today, I just have to remember that I can keep going.
     
  2. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    Awesome and touching story. I really liked it:)
    Yes I agree that the sunshine was a sign for you and it warms my heart. May you be strong and things get better and better.
     
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi Sofie,

    I think we are suffering with a lot of the same issues right now, especially with the suicidal ideation so I can truly empathise with how awful it is, especially when your mind can think of nothing else. I am glad that you are gonna give living another shot. I also feel like I owe it to myself to ensure that I really have tried every option before I make any permanent decisions. I hope this post is read by many people to highlight that although you are going through a shitty time, there is always hope, and it can be found in the most darkest of places.
     
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