I think alot about it Finally ending everything. I've come to the conclusion that it would be the best thing, for many reasons. I look behind me and I see nothing there but hurt and failure I look ahead and I don't see how it can be any different. I'm not afraid of death. What is there to fear in non-existance? Yet still, something keeps me back. What? I don't know. I came so close last week. I just walked out of school and kept walking and walking. I sat in a park and thought about everything. I hurt so much and I decided there is nothing here for me. I wrote down everything I was feeling, and then left. The next day at school I was in alot of trouble. My form tutor asked me where I'd been. I wanted so much to tell her I wanted to tell her how close I had been And how much pain I felt. I wanted to tell her everything inside me But I couldn't. And then the moment was over, and I didn't know how to bring it up again to tell her. That night I told someone I trust most and all he said was "I know it sounds melodramatic, but ffs don't kill yourself" I pointed out that compared to what I had told him, the actual statement "I was so close to doing it", what he said could hardly be called melodramatic. I felt, and still do feel, he doesn't understand. He can't relate to what I feel. He's scared of those feelings, he doesn't know how to help. Last week I felt so lost and alone. This week has been so much better. But right now I feel lost again. Has anybody ever stopped and looked at our society? Everything just feels so trivial to me. Why are we here? Why do people care that we are here? We are here for such a short time anyway. There's so much pressure to do well, to go to school, to take a-levels, to go to university (and if it's not in at least the top30 in the country then we're expected to just drop out and start again), use our qualifications to secure a good job and retire millionaires at 40. That's not possible for everyone. I don't even want a good job. I want a family. Though that too seems like an unrealistic aim, based on my past relationships. There's always someone better than me to move onto. I don't even know what I'm saying here, I'm just rambling. Pouring my superficial little heart out. I'm supposed to be waking up in 6 hours. Wake up, go to school, talk to friends I don't really like all that much, pretend everything is ok. Come home. Write two essays for Thursday. Why do I need to even write the essays? They aren't coursework. They're just essays. Pointless essays. It's also so demeaning (is that the right word?) anyway. I get a C+, the girl next to me gets an A. Why? We both made the same notes in the same class, got the same essay with the same points. We both understand the topic the same. But one just articulates and expands more. How do a set of grades show what I am capable of? And why am I so upset about the most insignificant things? I want someone I can talk to But I don't know how to say what I feel. I'm better at writing things down But even now, I can't describe wholly what I want to say.