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Another sleepless night

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I think alot about it
Finally ending everything.
I've come to the conclusion that it would be the best thing, for many reasons.
I look behind me and I see nothing there but hurt and failure
I look ahead and I don't see how it can be any different.
I'm not afraid of death.
What is there to fear in non-existance?
Yet still, something keeps me back.
What? I don't know.

I came so close last week. I just walked out of school and kept walking and walking. I sat in a park and thought about everything. I hurt so much and I decided there is nothing here for me.
I wrote down everything I was feeling, and then left.
The next day at school I was in alot of trouble. My form tutor asked me where I'd been.
I wanted so much to tell her
I wanted to tell her how close I had been
And how much pain I felt.
I wanted to tell her everything inside me
But I couldn't.
And then the moment was over, and I didn't know how to bring it up again to tell her.

That night I told someone I trust most
and all he said was "I know it sounds melodramatic, but ffs don't kill yourself"
I pointed out that compared to what I had told him, the actual statement "I was so close to doing it", what he said could hardly be called melodramatic.
I felt, and still do feel, he doesn't understand. He can't relate to what I feel. He's scared of those feelings, he doesn't know how to help.

Last week I felt so lost and alone. This week has been so much better. But right now I feel lost again.
Has anybody ever stopped and looked at our society? Everything just feels so trivial to me. Why are we here? Why do people care that we are here? We are here for such a short time anyway. There's so much pressure to do well, to go to school, to take a-levels, to go to university (and if it's not in at least the top30 in the country then we're expected to just drop out and start again), use our qualifications to secure a good job and retire millionaires at 40. That's not possible for everyone. I don't even want a good job. I want a family. Though that too seems like an unrealistic aim, based on my past relationships. There's always someone better than me to move onto.

I don't even know what I'm saying here, I'm just rambling. Pouring my superficial little heart out.

I'm supposed to be waking up in 6 hours. Wake up, go to school, talk to friends I don't really like all that much, pretend everything is ok. Come home. Write two essays for Thursday. Why do I need to even write the essays? They aren't coursework. They're just essays. Pointless essays. It's also so demeaning (is that the right word?) anyway. I get a C+, the girl next to me gets an A. Why? We both made the same notes in the same class, got the same essay with the same points. We both understand the topic the same. But one just articulates and expands more.
How do a set of grades show what I am capable of?
And why am I so upset about the most insignificant things?

I want someone I can talk to
But I don't know how to say what I feel.
I'm better at writing things down
But even now, I can't describe wholly what I want to say.
first off i would like to welcome you to sf, and i would also like to say that i am thankful that you cheated death. i'm proud of you. i know as so many others here do know that's no easy task. if you would like to talk please feel free to pm me anytime. i will get back to you asap promise. you can ramble my ear off. it's all good by me. please continue to take care. i believe you can make it.:smile:
I am glad you found the courage to post here hun. I am sure it was not an easy thing to do. You said it is easier for you to write how you feel. Maybe you could copy what you posted here, or write it in some other way and give it to the form tutor you almost spoke with. As long as there is a part of you that wants to continue living, the fight is there. Please don't give in. Talk to someone that can understand. I know you spoke to one person and he seemed not to understand. Don't give up, the right person is out there. There are many of us here willing to listen as well. Feel free to PM us and talk as much as you would like. We do care what happens to you. Please take care and stay safe. you are important. :hug:
I really can relate to how you feel... especially concerning society, and not being interested in money or a good job, but having a strong desire for a family and feeling unable to find the right guy.

I wrote how I survived in this thread:


The best advice I can give right now is to focus your mind onto things you still really want to do over the next couple months of time. For me, it was to share my story, try and help some others, and to get some really nice photos done by professional photographers (who also have their own TV show) in my neighbour country. I'm going to upload those photos to where the love of my life (who is now with someone else) will see them. Chances are that by the time you have done those things on your list, you will be feeling better.

If you want to chat sometime, send me a PM.

Here's the poem I wrote a bit more than a week ago (I wanted to leave it someplace my lost love would find it)

For ages, I've been travelling
In the wake of a dream
Eyes half-closed, breathing compassion
With every heartbeat in my sleep
Felt the pain of many broken lives
Drowning out my own

I still have my wings
Carrying me from one dream to the next
Into eternity
I've had so much to give, and gave it all
Until there was nothing left of me
Over and over again

I shine, but people turn away
I sing, but the wrong guests come to hear
That's how it always has been
All I ever wanted
Was a chance to be seen
By someone who wouldn't hurt me

I'm falling, falling
Into the light
Still dreaming of your promises
That passed away with time
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