Or just all that is. Gentle wind kissing the awakening sun fields are breathing early in the morning no one's around. Gathering dust by blowing yourself into it. Do you rise. Do you rise again. She asks but doesn't show herself never before turning to night. Again. Hi. I'm 21. Male. Never felt suicidal before. Just numb. Didn't even noticed I was depressed. It changed almost 5 months ago from now. Had a beautiful childhood. Too sensitive I am. Seeing the beautiful boy inside of me he speaks me all the time. I want to kiss him on a forehead and make him really feel no pain. But you know it doesn't go away never if he don't realise to grab my arm and walk me out of oblivion I live. I'm no mother to teach him that. It was all okay at school. Never been bullied had the friends. Just being too sensitive I never got the point to fight and into a daydream I flew. Maybe it's time to fight now for me. Not cool. But this world was cool no girl ever did had there a room. I only saw the frames of them. Skating and cinema and holding hands. I really didn't know it's all for young if learning to love. I wanted it bigger and give them all the stars I saw and see. I didn't find anyone. It seemed I've built a world of too large to give them castles and hills and lakes and butterflies just for fun. And I didn't want to just feel good I wanted to save the whole world. But it wasn't the case. It was much later when she came. First woman ever I saw. The one who's capable to wonder all the places I imagined for good. I never touched her. I was enchanted for too long. Also she made me realized it's been like 9 years since I'm here again. But from where and what's here. The child doesn't remember. She gave back my wings. I took it too literally and now I'm slowly flying away. Or not. From time to time I see it from their eyes. They don't have a heart to call that beautiful innocent swallow for them to swing. Anyway I was heavily influenced by drugs for last two years. It was the one thing too to bring me back to live. Even had the visions. Saw purification of Jesus twice. Saw the great Goddess of sky whom you can easily relate to Ancient-Egypt Goddess Hathor. Became one with the swallows when running the fields. Also saw three highly intelligent aliens. I was lying on table and they planted a seed in my brain. It felt real good I take them as brothers. When I woke up I felt like something really was planted to my brain and now for the first time I can make it. Oh and I saw that great golden white light which is undescribable but many times described as thousand of Suns together. That light you are supposed to see when you'll die. It was the greatest relief. But still reminded to catch it in life with work and love. And now 5 months in this everyday real world is getting harder by day to day. Only way to go back is to go back forever. And still come back as a swallow. Or love or light or heat or whatever. I don't take it too seriously there's still hope. I don't see it at the moment but I hope there is. And as I felt numb many years I didn't felt my senses are so numb like now. They say if you can't stand the pain you're senseless. So it's makes me to think. I still can stand but we'll see. Anyway say Hi to me, perhaps suggest some good books you like. Can be depressive reading too. I like all the life. Music, myths, nature, cinema, all the other arts, starts too there's really no finish for the list. I hope to get back and go to study chemistry or dramaturgy maybe. I don't know truly. You can message me about anything but from time to time you'll find mistakes from what I write I'm still learning. Made me feel better to write here.