I am not sure how if this will even make it to the forums, as I am a new member and all threads needs to be "approved" by a mod, but I guess it is therapeutic to type it out anyway because if it does get posted and I can get some support, maybe I will make it. WARNING: This is going to be long, and possibly, boring. But I will try to keep it as short as possible. The first memory I have that I can remember as a child, is when my mother left me in Jamesway. She left me there before she didn't want me anymore. I was only about 6 or 7. The police called my father and they took me home. I cannot remember what happened to my mother. From that point, I never felt wanted and always feared of being abandoned. My father beat my mother pretty badly. There were many nights where we were in my mother's car just driving around because she was beaten so badly that she had to run away. When I refer to "we" I am referring to my two little brothers. We are all 3 years apart from each other. Anyway, things went on like that for years. When I was 11, my father left us. After he left, my mother became a raging drug addict and alcoholic. She would disappear for days at a time. As I am sure you could imagine, this had a hell of a toll on my school life. Not to mention that, while in school, I was beat up constantly because I didn't have nice clothes and such because we had no money. I can remember so many nights going to bed without any hot water or electricity in the house because my mother didn't pay the bills. She wouldn't let us see our father, and stated that he didn't pay child support. During the next few years, my mother seemed to have lost her mind! I can clearly remember the night. My mother used to beat me with 2x4s and burn me with a hot iron. She would spit on me and all call me a loser and a scumbag and all sorts of other names that I am sure are not allowed to be on these forums. She would lock me in the basement. Sometimes, for days, with no food or water. My middle brother would sneak me water and food thru a small hole in the wall when my mother disappeared for a few days. One time, my mother punched me in the mouth and broke my bottom front tooth....I fell backwards, and fell into the doorknob of my back door. I still remember being int he hospital, and when the doctor asked what happened, I did not answer, as I was scared to death to tell the truth, and my mother answered, "he fell" and that was that. I don't know why they never took me away from my mother for the abuse that she did to me, but I know that sort of thing wouldn't fly these days! The same thing continued for years. I was beaten badly, every single day of my life, by kids in school and in the neighborhood and then I went home to get beaten by my mother if she was home. When I was 14 years old, I still remember my mother <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>. She did not die. In fact, I remember that night so clearly, that it was a cold night. My brothers and I (I was 14, so my younger brother was 11 and my youngest was 8) were sleeping on the floor (we had no beds) and we had no electricity or hot water. I remember the EMT asking me if I was going to be ok, and I shook my head yes. Not sure how the hell that got by them. But whatever... While my mother was in the psych ward, my father came to try to take us. My brothers and I had boarded up our doors and windows so he couldn't get to us, but he did anyway and he took us to where he lived. It was short lived and before we knew it, we were back at my mother's. I noticed that my little brothers had completely given up on school and got into drugs and trouble themselves. I, on the other hand, decided to take another route. I was kicked out by my mother on nearly a weekly basis. I spent many a night sleeping under railroad tracks. But I was kicked out for good when I was 16. At the time, I was working at Wendy's, so I slept under the train tracks near the store and just worked as many hours as I could. When I had enough money, a kid that I went to school with, hooked me up with a room that I could rent from his former brother in law. Yeah, it was extremely awkward, but it was a warm place to stay. I stayed there for some time and moved up the chain in Wendy's. I nearly a co-manager before I left for another job at a factory. From there, I jumped from job to job, whenever I could find one that paid better than the previous one. Eventually, I met a girl that I was serious with. I was about 22 years old at this point. I did not know her for long, but I got her pregnant. I stopped living in rooms and got a 1 bedroom apartment so I could start my family. I wound up having a little girl. God, I can still remember the feeling when I first held her. I remember knowing that this little girl is MY responsibility and that her upbringing will be the complete p[[psite of mine.! Unfortunately, this was short lived, as my daughter's mother left me when my daughter was 4 for another man. I saw my daughter once in a while, but not enough. My daughter's mother and I battled in court for years for child support and custody. I lost in both accounts. Eventually, my daughter grew away from me and no matter how hard I try to keep contact, it is always a one way street. She is 17 now and doesn't even acknowledge my existence even though I try to speak to her via text, Facebook and phone calls as much as she allows me to. In the year of 2001, I went back to school and got some certifications in computers. I landed myself a great job in a great company when I got out. When I was 33 years old, I met my wife. I married her when I was 36. She has a son, and this is completely different story that could go on forever, but he is a juvenile delinquent. His father is in jail and he is just like him and my wife is an enabler to his criminal behavior. My wife has an anger issue. She calls me names, a lot of the names that my mother called me. The abuse was only emotional until last month when she finally punched me. I had left a couple of weeks ago because I could no longer take the abuse and her alcoholism. She will go out with her "friends", who I am not allowed to know who they are, and then she will disappear off of the grid for hours. I finally get a hold of her around 2am and she will be extremely drunk and say she is sleeping in her car. She will say she will be home in 10 minutes. Well, then after calling her for two more hours, she gets pissed off at me and calls me a stalker and eventually comes home and tells me how much of a loser I am and how badly she wants a divorce and how she wants me out of her hours. But anyway, when I had left, I stayed at my father's. This is a hollow house....what I mean by that is, there is no love or compassion there! I could not stay there and I missed my wife so much! My wife never showed that she missed me, but it is what it is. I came home and decided that I was going to make this work, or I was going to kill myself. This is going to be a "till death do we part" thing! I have always thought about suicide. Even attempted it a couple of times. One time, I was so scared at what I was going to do, I put myself into a psych ward. But these people were easy to fool. Just hours after telling them I wanted to die, I told the next shift that I was in there because of a "medicine change and confliction" and they let me go. I didn't like it in there at all and I had to get out. At 39, I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. This explains a lot of the reasons why I never understood what the hell was going on around me, and also, the reason why I never had any friends. It also explains why my mother hated me so much and called me a retard.....she did it, because it was true! In the past five years, I have seen three different psychiatrists and two different psychologists and many therapists. I have been on just about every med you can think of. I have General Anxiety Disorder, I battle depression hard and I have all sorts of sensory issues with my Asperger's syndrome. I am sure I must be a PITA to deal with. My suicidal thoughts are constant! They never end! I know they will eventually beat down the voice inside that is holding them off. The ONLY REASON I have not done it yet, is because I do not want to fail! I am worried about being locked away again in one of those psych wards where you have no rights. Also, when I do it, I do not want my wife to find my body, so it has be done in the right way. I have had my suicide note created for a while now, and make adjustments to it as I see fit. My wife and I are seeing a marriage counselor, but it isn't doing much. She still calls me names, in fact, she did today. I know she loves me. I was in my first ever car accident (I know, I am 40, good run eh?) and my car is totaled. My car was only 10 months old and my anxiety has been thru the roof, not to mention the pain that I am in now. I only missed one day of work because I can do my work at a desk now because it is all computers, but that doesn't make the pain any better to bare. But my wife was there for me every step of the way. So there has to be something there, right? But now what do I do for a car? It's totaled. Do I go back to my dealership tomorrow and say, "oh hey, I just totaled the last car, can you re-lease me into another one?" For some reason, I do not think that is how this is going to work. Anyway, I feel alone. I have no one to talk to about this. Most psychologists just nod their head and give generic answers and most psychiatrists just shove pills down your throat. I am seriously scared of what I am going to do to myself! But I do not want to go away. I could lose my job and I cannot stand the feeling of not having control of my situation. I have no desire to hurt anyone else, it is only myself! I want to make the pain stop. This life of mine is going nowhere! I have a future of being belittled by my wife, but I cannot bare to not be around her. I have a future of dealing with an out of control, juvenile delinquent junkie stepson, but there is nothing that I can do about it. And my daughter couldn't care less about me. I was in the hospital last year with a septic gallbladder. I had pancreatitis as well. My daughter was told this by her mother, but the girl didn't even text me to see if I was ok. When I left my wife a couple of weeks ago, I asked her to please block her from Facebook because I didn't want her to become an avenue of propaganda from my wife. When I was in my accident this past week, I put it all over Facebook, which she is extremely active on, and not one call from her to see if I was ok from the accident, or not one follow up call to see how I was doing after I moved out. This is just the surface of my story. I don't know what to do, and when I am home alone, like I am now because my wife is working night shift, I am truly TRULY scared of what I may do to myself. It's like I lose control and I grab the blades and start cutting......daring myself to cut deeper and to stop being a pu$$y and make it count. Anyway, if this makes it to the forums, I would love to hear some feedback. Has anyone else been thru similar situations. How did they deal with it? And I thank you for reading thru my pathetic story of a life.