Another Statisitc

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kaygee, Sep 28, 2014.

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  1. Kaygee

    Kaygee Member

    I am not sure how if this will even make it to the forums, as I am a new member and all threads needs to be "approved" by a mod, but I guess it is therapeutic to type it out anyway because if it does get posted and I can get some support, maybe I will make it.

    WARNING: This is going to be long, and possibly, boring. But I will try to keep it as short as possible.

    The first memory I have that I can remember as a child, is when my mother left me in Jamesway. She left me there before she didn't want me anymore. I was only about 6 or 7. The police called my father and they took me home. I cannot remember what happened to my mother.

    From that point, I never felt wanted and always feared of being abandoned. My father beat my mother pretty badly. There were many nights where we were in my mother's car just driving around because she was beaten so badly that she had to run away. When I refer to "we" I am referring to my two little brothers. We are all 3 years apart from each other.

    Anyway, things went on like that for years. When I was 11, my father left us. After he left, my mother became a raging drug addict and alcoholic. She would disappear for days at a time. As I am sure you could imagine, this had a hell of a toll on my school life. Not to mention that, while in school, I was beat up constantly because I didn't have nice clothes and such because we had no money.

    I can remember so many nights going to bed without any hot water or electricity in the house because my mother didn't pay the bills. She wouldn't let us see our father, and stated that he didn't pay child support.

    During the next few years, my mother seemed to have lost her mind! I can clearly remember the night.

    My mother used to beat me with 2x4s and burn me with a hot iron. She would spit on me and all call me a loser and a scumbag and all sorts of other names that I am sure are not allowed to be on these forums. She would lock me in the basement. Sometimes, for days, with no food or water. My middle brother would sneak me water and food thru a small hole in the wall when my mother disappeared for a few days.

    One time, my mother punched me in the mouth and broke my bottom front tooth....I fell backwards, and fell into the doorknob of my back door. I still remember being int he hospital, and when the doctor asked what happened, I did not answer, as I was scared to death to tell the truth, and my mother answered, "he fell" and that was that. I don't know why they never took me away from my mother for the abuse that she did to me, but I know that sort of thing wouldn't fly these days!

    The same thing continued for years. I was beaten badly, every single day of my life, by kids in school and in the neighborhood and then I went home to get beaten by my mother if she was home.

    When I was 14 years old, I still remember my mother <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>.

    She did not die. In fact, I remember that night so clearly, that it was a cold night. My brothers and I (I was 14, so my younger brother was 11 and my youngest was 8) were sleeping on the floor (we had no beds) and we had no electricity or hot water. I remember the EMT asking me if I was going to be ok, and I shook my head yes.

    Not sure how the hell that got by them. But whatever...

    While my mother was in the psych ward, my father came to try to take us. My brothers and I had boarded up our doors and windows so he couldn't get to us, but he did anyway and he took us to where he lived. It was short lived and before we knew it, we were back at my mother's. I noticed that my little brothers had completely given up on school and got into drugs and trouble themselves.

    I, on the other hand, decided to take another route. I was kicked out by my mother on nearly a weekly basis. I spent many a night sleeping under railroad tracks. But I was kicked out for good when I was 16. At the time, I was working at Wendy's, so I slept under the train tracks near the store and just worked as many hours as I could. When I had enough money, a kid that I went to school with, hooked me up with a room that I could rent from his former brother in law. Yeah, it was extremely awkward, but it was a warm place to stay.

    I stayed there for some time and moved up the chain in Wendy's. I nearly a co-manager before I left for another job at a factory.

    From there, I jumped from job to job, whenever I could find one that paid better than the previous one. Eventually, I met a girl that I was serious with. I was about 22 years old at this point. I did not know her for long, but I got her pregnant. I stopped living in rooms and got a 1 bedroom apartment so I could start my family.

    I wound up having a little girl. God, I can still remember the feeling when I first held her. I remember knowing that this little girl is MY responsibility and that her upbringing will be the complete p[[psite of mine.!

    Unfortunately, this was short lived, as my daughter's mother left me when my daughter was 4 for another man. I saw my daughter once in a while, but not enough. My daughter's mother and I battled in court for years for child support and custody. I lost in both accounts. Eventually, my daughter grew away from me and no matter how hard I try to keep contact, it is always a one way street. She is 17 now and doesn't even acknowledge my existence even though I try to speak to her via text, Facebook and phone calls as much as she allows me to.

    In the year of 2001, I went back to school and got some certifications in computers. I landed myself a great job in a great company when I got out.

    When I was 33 years old, I met my wife. I married her when I was 36. She has a son, and this is completely different story that could go on forever, but he is a juvenile delinquent. His father is in jail and he is just like him and my wife is an enabler to his criminal behavior.

    My wife has an anger issue. She calls me names, a lot of the names that my mother called me. The abuse was only emotional until last month when she finally punched me. I had left a couple of weeks ago because I could no longer take the abuse and her alcoholism. She will go out with her "friends", who I am not allowed to know who they are, and then she will disappear off of the grid for hours. I finally get a hold of her around 2am and she will be extremely drunk and say she is sleeping in her car. She will say she will be home in 10 minutes. Well, then after calling her for two more hours, she gets pissed off at me and calls me a stalker and eventually comes home and tells me how much of a loser I am and how badly she wants a divorce and how she wants me out of her hours.

    But anyway, when I had left, I stayed at my father's. This is a hollow house....what I mean by that is, there is no love or compassion there! I could not stay there and I missed my wife so much! My wife never showed that she missed me, but it is what it is.

    I came home and decided that I was going to make this work, or I was going to kill myself. This is going to be a "till death do we part" thing!

    I have always thought about suicide. Even attempted it a couple of times. One time, I was so scared at what I was going to do, I put myself into a psych ward. But these people were easy to fool. Just hours after telling them I wanted to die, I told the next shift that I was in there because of a "medicine change and confliction" and they let me go. I didn't like it in there at all and I had to get out.

    At 39, I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. This explains a lot of the reasons why I never understood what the hell was going on around me, and also, the reason why I never had any friends. It also explains why my mother hated me so much and called me a retard.....she did it, because it was true!

    In the past five years, I have seen three different psychiatrists and two different psychologists and many therapists. I have been on just about every med you can think of.

    I have General Anxiety Disorder, I battle depression hard and I have all sorts of sensory issues with my Asperger's syndrome. I am sure I must be a PITA to deal with.

    My suicidal thoughts are constant! They never end! I know they will eventually beat down the voice inside that is holding them off. The ONLY REASON I have not done it yet, is because I do not want to fail! I am worried about being locked away again in one of those psych wards where you have no rights.

    Also, when I do it, I do not want my wife to find my body, so it has be done in the right way. I have had my suicide note created for a while now, and make adjustments to it as I see fit.

    My wife and I are seeing a marriage counselor, but it isn't doing much. She still calls me names, in fact, she did today. I know she loves me. I was in my first ever car accident (I know, I am 40, good run eh?) and my car is totaled. My car was only 10 months old and my anxiety has been thru the roof, not to mention the pain that I am in now. I only missed one day of work because I can do my work at a desk now because it is all computers, but that doesn't make the pain any better to bare.

    But my wife was there for me every step of the way. So there has to be something there, right?

    But now what do I do for a car? It's totaled. Do I go back to my dealership tomorrow and say, "oh hey, I just totaled the last car, can you re-lease me into another one?"

    For some reason, I do not think that is how this is going to work.

    Anyway, I feel alone. I have no one to talk to about this. Most psychologists just nod their head and give generic answers and most psychiatrists just shove pills down your throat.

    I am seriously scared of what I am going to do to myself! But I do not want to go away. I could lose my job and I cannot stand the feeling of not having control of my situation. I have no desire to hurt anyone else, it is only myself! I want to make the pain stop. This life of mine is going nowhere! I have a future of being belittled by my wife, but I cannot bare to not be around her. I have a future of dealing with an out of control, juvenile delinquent junkie stepson, but there is nothing that I can do about it.

    And my daughter couldn't care less about me. I was in the hospital last year with a septic gallbladder. I had pancreatitis as well. My daughter was told this by her mother, but the girl didn't even text me to see if I was ok. When I left my wife a couple of weeks ago, I asked her to please block her from Facebook because I didn't want her to become an avenue of propaganda from my wife. When I was in my accident this past week, I put it all over Facebook, which she is extremely active on, and not one call from her to see if I was ok from the accident, or not one follow up call to see how I was doing after I moved out.

    This is just the surface of my story. I don't know what to do, and when I am home alone, like I am now because my wife is working night shift, I am truly TRULY scared of what I may do to myself. It's like I lose control and I grab the blades and start cutting......daring myself to cut deeper and to stop being a pu$$y and make it count.

    Anyway, if this makes it to the forums, I would love to hear some feedback. Has anyone else been thru similar situations. How did they deal with it?
    And I thank you for reading thru my pathetic story of a life.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN


    I'm really sorry for what you've been through, and what you're still dealing with now. You didn't deserve the abuse you faced at the hands of your mother and those bullies in school, and you don't deserve abuse, both emotional and physical, from your wife.

    You aren't a retard. I have friends who have Asperger's, and so I know it makes certain things more difficult... it's harder to make friends, to socialize. But that doesn't mean you're a retard, and your mother shouldn't have treated you that way.

    Your life story isn't pathetic, and if you ever feel like talking, my PM box is always open. :hug:
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Keep posting for support and care.
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry for the extremely difficult situation you are in now and have been in for the majority of your life by the sounds. The car accident is just a minor thing by comparison, and since is new and leased likely had full insurance and gap insurance mandated so actually , yes, a call to insurance company and dealer and new car is really all that will probably come from that (along with a few extra unneeded headaches) but hopefully will not be an added issue for an extended time.

    You are seeing counselors, trying meds, and putting in all the effort anybody could ask- I sincerely hope that it yields the results for you that you deserve and you are able to find some peace and contentment. All i can say in way of advice is that you are doing the right things- and while 40 years of issues will not disappear easily or overnight, they can be managed if approached with the attitude that you want them fixed and want to get better. Your daughter is 17, a difficult age if all was perfect- in a few years when she is an adult and understands the real world a little better I expect you may find your efforts at staying in touch far more successful. I applaud your efforts and hope you stay around here and talking to us.
  5. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    Thank you so much for sharing your story, you had/have a very complicated life, but you are a survivor and an incredible strong person, don't let anyone let you any different. You deserve so much more, I hope that when your daughter get's older she will reach to you, she just needs to mature a little bit and she will understand what happened and hopefully reconect to you.

    Please hang in there, you are one of the strongest person here and we are here for you.
  6. Kaygee

    Kaygee Member

    I appreciate all of the support and nice words. It's a shame that they have to come from strangers.
    That doesn't make them any less concrete, but it would just be nice to have the people that surround me actually be supportive for once instead of so hateful and judgmental!
  7. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that you don't have any "real" support at the moment, you have been through a lot and I can only imagine the emotional scars and even open wounds that you have, but dont' give up just yet, we are strangers yes, but we are all real people and we really care about you, seek help, your story is not pathetic it's a story of strenght, if you feel that you can't manage your feelings go to an ER or call the emergency, there is no shame in asking for help, no shame at all.
  8. Kaygee

    Kaygee Member

    I am not ashamed of it. My wife would call me a loser if I attempted suicide or completed it, as would my brother. But I know that it is something that they cannot even begin to understand.

    However, I cannot go asking for help. They will put me away again. I do NOT want to go back there!!!! The feeling of having no control was overwhelming! Not to mention, I have a good job....I can't be out for an extended and unknown period of time.

    That's what makes this so weird. I HAVE to succeed if I end my own life! There are no second chances. The thoughts are scaring me, as well as the intensity of them. They increase every day and have been for years. I don't think that is normal.

    But anyway. It is nice to have someone to speak to. Thank you!
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 30, 2014
  9. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    You don't have to end your life or try it, you have to ask for help, I had to do it once, because I could not control my own feelings and if I didn't call the emergency I don't think I could avoid taking my life, I was not commited to a psych ward, I just spent a night at the hospital, I'm being medicated and I'm being followed by a doctor, I'm progressing very slowly, there are still a lot of things I need to work on, it is probably going to be a life long struggle, but I know that, that phone call was one of the best decisions I've ever made.

    That is why I'm begging you to ask for help, I know those feelings, I know how uncontrollable they are, but I also know that things can get better
  10. Kaygee

    Kaygee Member

    Well, I think you lucked out. A night at the hospital and some medications to make the noise and thoughts stop in my head would be fantastic!
    Unfortunately, that isn't how it works where I am from. I walk in that Emergency Room, tell them I am having suicidal thoughts, and off to the psych ward I will go.

    Thank you for the attempt at giving me some advice though. It's always appreciated! I am glad your area allowed you to get the type of help that you are receiving. It sounds great!
    But I fear that I will succumb to the overwhelming feelings of wanting to end this all. I am not too far off.!!! It's almost like I don't have control of it. I do right now, but barely, and I am losing it more and more......

    Does that even make sense?
  11. random33

    random33 Well-Known Member

    Sorry it took so much time to reply, the night at the hospital and medication helped the make the noise a bit quieter, but it didn't stop, I was severely sleep deprived so that made the noise incredibly louder. I'm still seeing a doctor, probably always will, it will never stop.

    You have said it yourself you fear you will succumb to those feelings, that's a real fear and a real possibility and that is why I urge you to get help, please don't think about the consequences for now, just ask for help and be as honest as you can with the people who will help you.

    What you wrote makes perfect sense, please hang in there. I'm so sorry I didn't replyed earlier, I really hope you are ok.
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