Another step

[yada]

Whereas I am on the long road out, probably a couple more months, I am making progress towards the end goal. Last week I purchased a "device", and after the mandatory state waiting period, I was able to pick it up today. It is actually quite a scary little device, so I intend to go to a practice range a couple times just to get comfortable with it. There is also the reality now that I have the full power to end my life whenever I wish to now. Somehow I just need to tell someone to get this off my chest, which is why I am posting this. I still hope something will happen in the next couple months to turn around my feeling towards this, but in the meanwhile, I will stay on plan.

-Yada.

 

[Is This It]

I take it the device your referring to is a gun and the end goal is suicide, I really think you should reconsider your goal and talk about how your feeling. Try making up a new set of goals to help improve your life rather than end it. It sounds like you don't really want to kill yourself but you would like the option, the fact that your giving yourself a couple months says to me that you want to have your mind changed. I think you should spend the next few months trying to find the good in life, talking about your feelings and becoming happy again so by the end of it you can throw away the gun instead of using it. Feel free to pm me any time.

 

[yada]

The couple months is really because I want to deal with things here to be as little of a burden as possible to others when I go. Also want to wait until certain people's birthdays etc are past so as to not affect them as much. But yes, I would like something to happen to change my mind during that time.

I've talked and talked and talked and now I feel like I am bothering people. I feel like I am begging for the attention of my friends/relatives and it's difficult as I can't tell them certain things, such as that I am planning my way out, and other very personal things. The talk has been VERY helpful in determining what my real problem is, but the solution will not come from talking... it will come from me and from others' help in doing something for me. I have asked for that help, but so far no results from them. And I am also trying to help myself, but so far no results. I'm trying... I really am. But the pain comes and fades and sometimes it's really really bad. I am now prepared to never have to deal with that pain again when it gets that bad again.