Another terrible day in the 'house of horror'

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Lady Snowblood, Jul 23, 2016.

  1. Lady Snowblood

    Lady Snowblood Active Member

    So today there was another incident in the freaking 'house of horror' that I sadly have to call my living space. And it made me wonder why the hell am I still here? Anyone with similar experiences concerning being stuck in a horrible living situation but also those with good advice on how to escape from here are highly welcome to share their thoughts here.

    So let's start from the beginning. What is the 'house of horror'? It's the house of my dad and my grandma and I'm living here together with my twin sister, my grandmother and of course my parents. I am living here since I was 12 (am 22 now) but it NEVER felt like home. Here is why:

    *Problem Nr.1: The house is overrun by my much-hated relatives on a daily basis with ever-changing flimsy excuses why they can't stay at their own houses. My aunt (a nurse) f.i. claims to come here to look after my grandmother who is in need of care. But after having performed her 'duties', she still doesn't leave for let's say another four hours. And her favourite activity to fill these hours is to badmouth about my family together with my grandmother, apparently to sweeten their day. And since there are holidays me and my sister are at home quite a lot these days and hear every word of it because my aunt usually prefers shouting over speaking in a normal tone. I guess you see why I can't stand both of them.

    *Problem Nr.2: But the worst thing is that my parents let them do whatever they want to without listening to what me and my sister say. They don't care about the fact that we feel like strangers in our own house and have been missing a private space for years. They don't even care that their relatives invite themselves here for christmas, easter celebrations etc and leave the house dirty afterwards. This is in fact a major problem in my so-called family: The most important thing for my parents seems to be how others view us and to leave a good impression. That's why both my parents have been masters in emotional abuse since we were children to make us behave accordingly. Which isn't functioning anymore I have to say, because me and my sister gave up on trying to please them a long time ago when we realized they didn't except us for what we were but wanted us to be two cute little dollies without opinions. That's why we never told them about our mental health problems by the way. They would only use it as a weapon against us and try to hide it from the rest of the family. When I was living in Japan for a semester abroad, my sister tried to open up a little to my mother about her eating disorder (bulimia). End of the story: After telling her to 'just eat normal again' and trying to control what she ate for a week or so, she pretended as if she wouldn't know about it again. Business-as-usual kind of mindset I suppose.

    *Problem Nr.3: So living in a house that could easily be mistaken for a hotel filled with people you dislike and having parents that totally neglected your emotional needs (strangely enough there was never a problem
    with material goods. I suspect they used money as a means to convince themselves that they actually looked well after their daughters) apparently turns you into a depressive and suicidal psycho. Which is why neither I
    nor my sister (both students) are capable of searching a part-time job to earn our own money and move out here right away. We depend on our parents in that way which gives them power over us and I dislike that a lot. I have tried so many times to find a job and work. Same with my sister. After ending my studies with a bachelor's degree in april I in fact worked on a cruise ship which solved two problems at once: the living situation as I was living on the ship and the money problem. But I had to leave my sister behind who was still stuck in that house which I hated and because problem Nr.3, the depression and its side effects, was still there, I couldn't manage to work there for long. In fact finding a job is not a big problem for me. But I can't keep it for long. The depression always steps in my way.

    I don't even know why I wrote all of the above. There is no good solution and I'll end up unhappy in the end anyway, it's as simple as that. I guess I'll just give up my plans to study a master, try to hide my depression and stuff again and move on from one badly-paid job to the other to at least be able to move out of here. I don't care if I could just afford to live in an apartment as small as a nutshell. I'm actually considering just packing a few things and simply living on the streets from now on. Nothing can be as bad as that horror house after all.
     
  2. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sounds like quite a lot on your plate. Congrats on getting the bachelors. Is your twin very close to you? Have you talked to her about moving foward away from the negativity together to give both of you some familiarity and comfort while starting a new chapter in your lives? Sounds you were starting to break free by having the job on the ship , sounded like a fun job

    We cant pick/choose our families however you have freedom and choices, no one is holding you ransom at the house. Its really up to you to fly the coop whenever you're ready.

    Take Care