Another test another trigger...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Apr 25, 2011.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I am getting sick of school... sicker of going through this cycle every time.

    I have pulled through before... but im sick of even trying.

    If I am taking only 1 class I should be getting an EASY A. I thought I would be working but that fell through... as does everything else good in my life.

    Maybe I pull through... maybe I get an A... or maybe I fail and finally get motivated to get myself out of this cycle and *voluntary censor method* out of it...

    I have come to the conclusion that the life that would make me happy is reserved for those with a better set of genetics. I could deal with the fact i will never get married... I can deal with the fact I will never be able to form close friends if I felt I could accomplish something... hard work does not do shit if your genetics disagree with what you want.

    I guarantee that when Payton Manning first threw a football it went somewhere close to his target. (bad example because he is a Piece of shit human being). When Jon Jones first threw a punch, it could have hurt someone... hard work for those with talent leads to being the best... hard work for me leads to adequacy if that. All I ever wanted to be was the best... the best athlete, the best student... whatever just the best at something.

    I am losing any motivation to go on... every damned day I have to work I get triggered... every damned day I have to do chores around the house with my relatives shitty tools I get triggered... every damned day I go to school and struggle despite not even taking a full load I get triggered. I am hopeless... I will never be happy...

    Maybe I pull through this with an A and use that as reason to go on... but even so I will be in no better of a position.

    sorry to dump my problems on you guys who have real problems.
  2. You can try going for a marathon run (10KM or maybe 21KM) and finish it and use that finisher medal as a tool to motivate yourself that you are capable of something.. You need to have confidence in yourself in order to get that "A" in your test.. Don't demoralise yourself.. :hug: I am sure you are capable of something which you have never thought of.. everyone is good at something except that they weren't aware of it..
  3. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    Asthma would never let me run a marathon
  4. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    Set my alarm for 5 am to study... didnt gte up till 6... I have no apptite and no drive to study anymore... its always the same fucking story...

    Either I pass and am no closer to a worthwhile life then I was had i faield or I fail and finally may have the motivation to end it all... I am almost hoping for the 2nd so I have reason to end it... but then it all goes back to not wanting to hurt my family.
  5. OrbitalPoet

    OrbitalPoet Active Member

    I hear ya mate.
    It feels like you're just treading water, it doesn't matter if you succeed or not, it leaves you in essentially the same place, treading water, the ocean doesn't get any smaller. And after a while of that, you get tired. So tired, and feel like just.....stopping.
    And the worst bit of it is that you look around, and everybody is just moving along, doing all these things, and telling you to just try harder, or to finish something and use that as a 'boost' to make yourself feel better, when you can't even see the point of what they are doing.
    This may sound like a stupid piece of advice, but it worked for me (sort of!). Stop trying. Seriously. Keep going to school, and finish this class that you are taking, even if you end up with a fail, but stop beating yourself up about it. Do the minimum required, get up as late as possible, forget five or six o'clock, and stop aiming for an A. For once, try just sitting in the cafeteria without doing any work, just sit there and eat. Hell, you might even say hi to someone. It may not be enjoyable, but try to make at least one part of your life trigger-free. Just see what grade you get, without any extra effort, don't do any extra work, and do the minimum homework. Even a bare pass should let you move onto the next class, which might be more interesting. And if you fail, OK, that's not for you then, you may not be the best student in that particular class, but you will find something else to be good at. Sure, if you fail, you will have to deal with the family, but deal with that then, not now.
    It sounds like your whole life is full of triggers (sounds familiar!), you need one area where you are just going to be average, or even a little below that. Hopefully, that will give you the rest you need to deal with the rest of it.
    Hang in there mate.
  6. champie

    champie Well-Known Member

    I think this is excellent advice. I know the feeling of wanting to be the best - at anything! It's like I set myself up for disappointment every time, but I can't help it. I tell myself that anyone can be average, so I have to be better than that. I'm obsessed with my lack of "accomplishment." And for the record, I've attended 6 universities over 15 years and failed and dropped out of each one, never completing more than a semester since dropping out in my 3rd year initially.

    I know that I can't help you do well in your classes, but Orbital hits a significant point for me - "...just sit there and eat. Hell, you might even say hi to someone." I've been talking with a good friend and we both agree that if we were at the end of our existence the thing we would probably be thinking is "I wish I had loved more." That's pretty far from "I wish I had a degree in XXX." So, maybe that helps or makes some sense. I'm here to try to love more because if I don't I'm not sure any effort at anything else is worth it in the end.

    Take care random, I look forward to sharing with you again :)
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