Another try

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ozinuk, Mar 4, 2010.

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  1. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    After almost 4 1/2 months in hospital you would imagine I've had my fill of attempts for a while but no the loneliness, the cold feeling of emptiness and sheer terror of knowing that is all that awaits me every day has made me more determined to try again soon.

    What is life without love what is life without hope what is life without happiness or joy one thing it's not it's not life, it's barely an existence. How can someone exist with with a heart that has been broken so badly and you can no longer trust, what else is there left and where else is there left to turn.....:lone:

    I'm tired of this life I'm tired of this existence I'm tired of being tired I can only pray my wait is not long.:blub:
     
  2. xXxBrOKenWiNgSxXx

    xXxBrOKenWiNgSxXx Well-Known Member

    *hug hun...i know exactly how you feel
     
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I wish I had the answers, or a way of making your pain and loneliness go away. :hug: Just wanted to reply so you know I care, and I'm always here.
     
  4. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    I need a way out.................. my soul died years that is why I am so empty.:blub:
     
  5. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    I'm trying to focus enough to read a book I received from exit international I keep reading the index over and over by the time I finish I'll have died of old age.:sad:
     
  6. privatename

    privatename Well-Known Member

    I feel like you do a lot. What you said struck a chord with me.
     
  7. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    I don't know how much more I can take, about 2 years ago my cousin and his son hung themselves 2 months apart bot bipolar not 5 mins ago I have just read an email from a cousin in Australia and she informed me the second son (my godson bipolar as well) was found hanging in the same garage that his brother and father used all that is left of that family is the dog. My cousins wife left him because of his moods 3 years ago and blamed him for the problems the 2 boys had...... now she has no problems. He is at peace now.:blub:
     
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :arms: I'm so sorry about your godson...! :hug:
     
  9. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Really sorry about your Godson and his family, sending big hugs to you. I know its very hypocritical to say stuff you dont always believe and this is not something that even seems believeable at times but even on your lowest day try to remember that there WILL be a good moment somewhere around the corner, no matter how short or brief those good moments may feel sometimes, we just have to try and remember that they will come xx
     
  10. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    I totally agree Pebble a good moment will come and that time will be at my choosing which isn't to far away. Good moments are reserved for good people and I am not one of them so when mine comes along it will be a final treat to myself (again). I wish for that moment now I truly do the pain is unbearable it really is. I need it to stop. :blub:
     
  11. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know you don't see it right now, but you ARE a good person.
     
  12. ozinuk

    ozinuk Well-Known Member

    I googled what's the definition of a good person and this is what I found

    "Some one who is loving caring and understanding. Who in desperation finds hope when there is sadness they bring joy, they console rather than be consoled. They love rather than be loved, and they understand rather than be understood."

    I fail the good person test not with my past, looking back at my past I'm truly sickened I feel wretched and despise everything about myself. :blub: :blub: :blub:
     
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hope this doesn't come out wrong... I'm trying to find words that will make sense.

    Nobody can sum up exactly what it means to be a good person. I read that definition, and I don't agree with all of it. Everyone is going to have their own ideas of what it means to be a good person (including whoever wrote that Google definition).

    I can agree with the first sentence. A good person is loving, caring, and understanding (and from what I know of you, you are all three of those things).
    We ALL need to be consoled at one time or another. That doesn't make you a bad person. That just makes you human, with feelings and emotions. Sometimes when you're sad, you don't know how to bring joy, or to find hope. But it's okay to lean on someone else, to let them try and help you find your way.
    We all need to be loved and understood too. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting either of those things. It's part of what gives us hope and keeps us going.

    :hug: Sorry my reply turned into a jumbled mess!
     
  14. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi Ozinuk sorry haven't replied sooner, I haven't been able to get on here. How are you feeling?Hope you've managed to have an good or even ok weekend. Weekends can sometimes feel like the hardest days to get through. I also dont agree with the google definition of a 'good person' but I can understand that its hard because when you read something like that you believe yourself to be the opposite which results in confirming your negative feelings about your self worth. But everyone like Wildcherry said needs to lean on someone and have a little help and support from someone at times but I'm sure you have been that support for many others numerous times :smile: and will repay the support more times than you would have ever asked or needed it. I also agree that you do deserve the good times, I know I dont know you but everyone deserves to have a positive time to take them away from all of those negatives times. If you would ever like to talk and dont always wont to talk on a thread, you can PM me anytime. Hope your ok, sending a hug x
     
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