another unsucessful OD :(

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by lost_child, Sep 30, 2008.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Why when I take overdose of more then XX tablets I still wake up breathing. Yeah I end up being violently sick for days, my stomach cramps up, my kidneys hurt, my skin's grey, hot and cold sweats, feeling dizzy, sometimes end up passing out for a few seconds (could be longer, could be shorter) but i'm still breathing. I've tried to take more and more and I just end up waken up....I'm tired of surviving overdoses, not just on one type of tablet either I'm not concerned about the damage i'm doing to my body, the damage was done along time ago..now I just want to be allowed to rest in peace, to say goodnight and sleep forever.:mad:
     
  2. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Please don't do this to yourself lost child. Let yourself heal. You deserve to be happy and I want you to love yourself. :hug:
     
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    to even like me, would to me mean I liked what they done because I am the person they made me, I do things because of them, I don't do things because of them..I won't ever like or even love me. I just find it impossible to even think about. sorry.
     
  4. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hun, why are you hurting your body and mind as if you want to pursue the pain and hurting you have been through all you life? you've become an abuser yourself now? you want to abuse of your body and mind? i do not believe this from you. you want to heal, forget and get justice and you want to be loved and cherish as anyone else.

    stop hurting yourself and start teaching or learning the meaning of love by taking care of your body and mind and you will find your way out and see the light.

    love you always,
    granny xox :cuddle:
     
  5. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    The counsellor I'm seeing said that to me this morning that I'm now my own abuser, that I'm carrying on the abuse. I can't stop though, I know that sounds and reads crazy I can't even explain it properly, there's just something that means I have to hurt me, I can't like me. I did used to want justice but I know deep down it won't happen because the CPS will say no, he will then be free from any bail conditions to continue the abuse to children, to then come near me and punish me for speakin. I wanted to heal and forget but each day gets more difficult, more intense..People from work don't even call I can go weeks without them actually knowing if I'm at work or not, my family are the same, and yet they all know what is happening for me at the moment, so that goes to show i'm of no significance, jes it will take ages for anyone to even realise I'm dead. sorry. I'm not hurt, angry, sad, happy, content, i'm nothing.
     
  6. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    i'm sorry hun for how you feel. i know all about your past and my only advice is to stop all contact with family and relatives and move away and find a job far from them all. a total change might help you see things differently and you would be safe.

    love you hun
    granny xox :cuddle:
     
  7. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    (((((Jody)))))

    Sweetheart, your post doesn't read crazy, I understand what you mean by it. Unfortunately some children that have been abused can find it very difficult to come to terms with. It's almost like we convince ourselves that we deserve to be punished, almost in a way that the abuse should continue albeit in a more mental & physical sense.

    The OD's are a way of you continuing to abuse yourself. Initially the damage may not seem significant but over time they will have a profound impact on your body, most likely your kidneys & liver. It really isn't a nice way to go hun, please believe me when I say you're worth fighting for :hug: I think it may be worth your while asking your GP for a blood test just to check.

    As much as your past experiences have shaped how you are today, you are a stronger person for them & you owe it to yourself to keep on fighting. I had similar feelings to you but with the help of a psychologist we are slowly trying to resolve these issues. It has not changed who I am as a person but it has allowed me to gain a better understanding of my feelings & made me more aware of the destructive behaviours that I directed towards myself. I won't pretend that it was easy because it was far from it & even now I still have a long way to go. But, my psychologist is confident that we will get there, progress may be slow but progress is progress as she says. I don't necessarily always believe her but at the moment my only other option is death & I don't have a great success rate at that so I figure for the time being I'll stick with this.

    I'm sorry I didn't reply to your PM last week but I was having a bad few days, I will reply later tonight though.

    Please take care & stay safe. I am here if you ever need anything :hug:

    lots of love Claire xx
     
  8. shazzer

    shazzer Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry things are so bad for you right now but try not to hurt yourself again. If you die then the person who abused you has won and you won't get to see that person brought to justice. You deserve a life and to fnd some happiness. You need to get checked out though and make sure you haven't caused any damage to your internal organs with the od :hug:
     
  9. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I'm no longer registered with a doctor because I had to move away from the area. so there's no where I can go. My counsellor I was originally told would be off for 2 weeks, yesterday it was 6 weeks and not sure if she will be back. My sister and mum won't return any calls, or answering any text messages, the police aren't calling me back when although she said she would when she finished the call she was on that was thursday morning. they planning something, they talking about me behind my back and planning something, they gonna hurt me or something. they don't care that i'm scared of my life that he will attack me again. that i'm not safe in this world. i call samaristans they refer me to Napac or anothre abuse support line but you can't get through. I've tried everything, I've turned everywhere looking for support and the voice i'm told to use isn't being heard.

    I don't want to fight for something i should never had been made to fight for, life. he was won he took many many years from life, he didn't just rape and abuse me he killed any feelings, emotions, i had, he took so much but he also took my soul. i can't get the person i should have been back.

    I know people here find me annoying because all i do is talk about death, how crap I feel and I'm sorry i wish it wasn't like this. lord knows I've tried every avenue to change its just not happening and things are getting worse.
     
  10. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    No one here finds you annoying Jody. On the contrary, we love and care about you. SF is designed for people to come to and get help to overcome their suffering. And don't feel like that predator took your soul away. It's still inside of you. You're just having a hard time finding it right now. :hug:
     
  11. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    Its not inside of me, I just want everything over. I am annoying, I annoy myself. I really get frustrated with the way I am, and if I do, so must others.
     
  12. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hunny explain to me what you mean by '' I really get frustrated with the way I am, and if I do, so must others".

    i am not sure to understand the full meaning of what you have written hun.
    love
    granny xx
     
  13. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    I get frustrusted because someone will say something to me, unless its negative I don't feel it, I hear it, but I will argue with myself if its anything nice..its like a constent battle in my head, like the devil and healer always arguing...I get frustrusted with it cause I can't escape from the walls of abuse. see I can't even talk straight just one big fat mess. I just have the amazin ability to continue to hurt me, the adult says no, the child says hurt me, the teenager says do what ever. I do things I don't even realise i'm doing, or i've done. someone asked me to write a letter to the child within, I read the email and what i had to do, my first reaction was to take 4 paracetmol so i did and then went for a smoke.

    doesn't matter, I don't matter. sorry. I jsut get angry with myself.
     
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