Another useless day for another useless human being

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Soldier83, Jul 11, 2013.

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  1. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Because I cannot talk openly about what I really want to do to myself to anyone anymore, I have decided o do nothing. I haven't eaten in two days, haven't slept in two days. I no longer have the energy to do anything but sit in front of my computer bitching about myself to people I will never meet, and some who really dont care. I'd like to talk about my problems to any superior officer but that would get me kicked out. 22 soldiers die every day from suicide. I guess its time to join the statistic
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you feel you cannot reach out for support hun Is there no one hun outside the army that you can confide in a church person someone You should not have to face the depression alone. The army has councilors to prevent thier members from doing as you just said hun Use the supports please hun
  3. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    I can only imagine what you are going through. I myself have seen the ugly this world can offer but not on such a wide scale. I would have to disagree with you on a couple of comments of yours though. For one the people here are sincere. I have been a part of this forum for a few years now and I have yet to find someone who doesn't truly care. Everyone here including you, are brave in coming here on the first place. To share your ups amd downs with others is a gift. One that I know many appreciate. The sorrows of this world are impossible to bear on your own, and they were never intended to be dealt with alone in the first
    place. You matter, and I hope that you do choose to stick around to find out how much. Blessings...
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    The military actually treats suicide very seriously. HUGE amounts of money are going into prevention efforts (I have seen the large grants being offered to organizations charged with assisting the military with these issues). The President has come forward and discussed this matter and there is more assistance and understanding in the U.S. military about suicide than ever. Rather than dying, why not seek out that assistance?
  5. listless

    listless Banned Member

    I have a lot of respect for soldiers and the military, at least those who are noble, because they confront and destroy evil. In a sense I'm a warrior myself, given my views and had considered enlisting, but I don't like taking orders nor fighting wars I don't support but that's an aside.

    I concur with the others, there might be some psychologists you could see about your problems. I can't offer much advice since I don't know what's troubling you, but I wish you all the best. We are also going through our own little hell-holes as well. I feel like I've finally woken up to my real life, but I blew away the past 20 of my most valuable years on nonsense (I'm in my early 40s now). Now I've lost out on the best opportunities and my life basically's not as bad as I'm making it sound, but it's because I compare it to how good I once had it.
  6. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    listless, maybe in a way we're all warriors- you know fighting our illness and not giving up. just a thought

    soldier83, (hey you have 83 like in my name) that's cool!, hope you manage to find some help and keep us updated on how you're doing- and thanks for what you do.... i respect soldiers too, in fact i've baught 3 cds lately- the 3 in question.. the money raised goes to help the military.. so yeah i do apreciate it
  7. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    Allow me to inform everyone what the billions of dollars are paying for.
    1. ACE cards for everyone, most get thrown away into the trash, or are never passed out to anyone.
    2. A suicide prevention counselor comes and directly asks if anyone is feeling suicidal, in the middle of formation. Which no one ever speaks up.
    3. Money is filtered into the F.R.G. to help elevate some of the stresses of being a soldier. Mostly though the money is put into the officers or whomever is highest ranks pocket. Lower enlisted never sees any of that. Now I cant speak for active duty, but the reserve F.R.G. is an absolute joke anyway.
    4. Suicide prevention is looked down upon, more along the lines of Darwinism. "If you were a better soldier, you wouldn't feel like that anyway" kind of thing. Mostly the upper enlisted see the lower enlisted killing themselves of as an opportunity to get better soldiers.

    Trust me when I say I truly have no one to talk to about this.
  8. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Absolutely Emily, people who continue to live and fight when everything tells them to 'just end it' really are warriors in their own right. While I'd say suicidal ideation for some is a result of an illness, for others like myself it's just a rational evaluation of one's life and recognition of the pointlessness of it. Also realizing there's really very little to live for apart from prolonging our suffering till the day we eventually expire anyways from either natural causes like old age/disease or an unfortunate accident.

    In my case I don't think I'll get much more out of life than I already have, which was very little to begin with. Mostly I've just experienced poverty and suffering. When you're a kid, you don't notice it much because you're just high on life-but as an adult it becomes all too apparent. If and when I do leave, I'm a responsible enough person to not want to leave a big impact on those around me. There's many loose ends I need to tie up before I go.

    I see life as nothing but a video game, if you played it right or got lucky then you won, if not then you lose and there's no chance to try it again, unless you believe in reincarnation. Right now I'm just trying to beat the odds in getting what I want, that will be some consolation for me if I do.
  9. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Soldier it does sound like a miserable place to be. Why not just leave the military and do something in the civilian life? I like aircraft carriers, but I could never live in such cramped conditions-I like my creature comforts. There's little care, respect or concern for the individuals that make up a great fighting force-which I find discouraging and unfair.

    I'm sure if you spoke with some military psychologist they can give you leave or discharge you from service. You don't have to be trapped by the conditions that are making you consider ending your life.

    I agree with what you say-it's the infantile and narrow thinking the military has of its soldiers. Frankly I think my weaknesses make me stronger-I'm able to absorb the blows and recover. If you want a hardass soldier, that's like brittle steel, strong but will crack/fracture if dropped. This is what the military doesn't understand about people.

    If I was in your shoes and if it was being in the armed forces that caused me to consider suicide, I'd definitely leave it-my life is worth more to me than that. Well relatively speaking, I'm unhappy with my life for other reasons.
  10. Soldier83

    Soldier83 Well-Known Member

    I dont know how to put into words the ideas, feelings, or deepest sorrow that I know exist. People that have it much worse than I are perfectly content with their lives, and can live each day with joy in their hearts. They have my utmost respect and adulation.

    I live each day hoping it would be my last. Knowing what I need to do to end not only my own suffering, but the suffering of those around me, that I am the cause of. I look around each day and imagining that this is my last day, that today I might muster up the courage to do it. Yet I just cant bring myself to do it. I am a miserable wretch of a human being, a pitiful excuse of conscientiousness. I cause nothing but misery, I feel nothing but misery.
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