I never post here anymore...but I'm really fucked in the head. I've been talking to a therapist for about a year or so...it's going nowhere so I just basically gave up. This therapist is nice enough, a bit needy, but the whole process is just not improving my life. Things are worse than ever. She didn't deal with my ideation well at all. She has lots of professional clout but I frankly don't see why...in the end I felt like I was helping her more than the other way around. I am so fucking sick of therapists and therapy. I have had so many damn therapists in my life. I'm in my thirties and have seen probably 20+ since I was in college. And for what? An enormous amount of money gone and my life is utter shit. I honestly regret going to the first therapist. I didn't like how the whole thing worked at all...50-minute hours, outrageous fees, badly handled privacy, all sorts of unwritten rules and assumptions, psychobabble, etc etc. The whole power imbalance has always bothered me. I never was surprised at the least at how many people are taken advantage of by their therapists, or how many boundaries are crossed...just the idea of sticking two people alone behind closed doors with an expectation of one person being extremely vulnerable and giving up their secrets and privacy, and so much money changing hands...what the fuck do people think will happen?? I was never actually abused by a therapist, just had lots of bad experiences. The problem now is that I am worse off than ever, and the idea of going back to the people and institutions that supposedly "help" (but don't) is just too much. I'd rather just disappear to some anonymous place and face my fate.