Another Visitor

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Colorado, Dec 8, 2012.

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  1. Colorado

    Colorado New Member


    I'm new here, needless to say. I'm normally not one to share---it rarely results in anything good---but I suppose that for one of the first times, I needn't apologize for airing out my issues... and my desperation. Skip the first paragraph if you want; it's mostly background.

    I'll start from the beginning. I've always had problems, as far back as I can remember. I never felt especially good about myself, I had troubles socially, and I generally suffered a lot. It wasn't until age eight that my parents caught on at all---I've always been resilient (so I never broke down), I didn't know that things weren't supposed to be so difficult, and I barely showed any outward difficulty---and then it wasn't until I was 13 that they really began to understand that I suffered from serious depression during the wintertime (the other issues weren't identified properly). I gradually got it under control to the degree that I could, but my difficulties with self-esteem and socializing continued. My best year came in my second year of high school, when the problems were a bit less than usual. The next winter (2000-2001), we had the gloomiest winter I've ever seen. I became horrifically depressed, and my mind went a bit nutty in OCD fashion. I messed myself up pretty badly trying to deal with those symptoms, symptoms I didn't really understand. It has been all downhill since then; I've never fully recovered from that winter and what it spawned. My last year of high school and the ensuing three years were horrible. I did well in school---that has never been an issue for me---but everything else sucked, and my mind continued to be a superlatively unpleasant place. I had some better times---note that this is highly relative---during my later years of college, but it was still hard. Then I had another episode in 2008, and I've never really recovered from it.

    Fast forward to today, over four years after graduating from college. I've done nothing of substance since that time. I have suffered in progressively greater amounts. I understand the problems now: I've always had a deeply ingrained idea (probably from childhood; my parents blame themselves) that I have something wrong with me, and this has led to very bad things. I loathe myself immensely, I completely lack the conception that anyone could care about me (let alone enjoy my company), I'm disconnected from myself, and I'm generally inert. In my childhood, my teen years, and most of my 20s (I am 29), I endured through the difficulties because I believed that things would get better (more accurately, I believed that they had to get better). This is no longer the case. I am almost bereft of hope now. I have behind me a lifetime of suffering: few enjoyable experiences, a sparse social life, no relationships with the opposite sex, little meaningful success, constant suffering, and no happiness. To add to the pain inherent to this, it also means that I have nothing to which I can anchor myself and say "Things could be better." I don't know life without burdensome difficult that has ranged from significant to terrible, so I have nothing really to hope and nothing to look back upon but lots of suffering. Where the future is concerned, I've an extremely negative view. I can't help but think I'll just experience more of the same. More, what experiences will I never be able to have again, and how far behind have I sent myself? Who would possibly want me now? I'm told that I discount all of my good qualities and that I've an almost delusionally negative view of everything---myself included---but I have great difficulty in believing this.

    The mental health system has been of little help. I have been left to figure out everything on my own; though some of the abundant therapists I've seen have been helpful in offering support, none have really managed to dig beneath the surface to get at what's there. My inherent psychiatric difficulties are within my ability to treat. The crushing depression brought on by my psychological difficulties, or more specifically the conditions they create---not to mention all that I've lost as a result of them---come from my psychological difficulties. I've been treated extensively in interventions for depression. It is an unfortunate reality that I cannot tolerate medications. I believe I've now tried about 20. Only one of them has helped to any degree, and it is not enough to win anything on its own. I've also had ECT done (after all else failed); that, too, was ineffective, in addition to being naturally unpleasant. Ultimately all of this treated the effect rather than the cause. As I mentioned, I was left to figure out the true difficulties on my own. I think I've got a good handle on them now, but it feels like it's too late.

    I've gone over the past and the future. Most relevant is the present, in which I am suffering horrifically. I live in a sort of perfect agony that is apparently lacking in avenues for respite. I'm burdened down with a highly unpleasant mind, horribly negative views of myself and the world, and dreadful depression. I am running out of hope, and mental illness coupled with no hope is a dangerous combination. Suicidal ideation began about six months ago, and it has become worse. In the past, my concerns centered around making my life better. Now they are about not wanting to suffer anymore. I have constant urges to end it all. I know that being suicidal to this degree indicates severe mental illness on my part, but right now this is my reality. Much of it is pure exhaustion; I am drained of will and hope from living with my problems for such a long time.

    I have a supportive family, I have access to good medical care, and I've never wanted for material possessions or money. But that's not enough, as I'm sure many of you will agree with, and it seems to avail me of little anyway. I am lately finding less and less reasons to continue on, and, in sum, I cannot see anything to live for. The future seems only to hold more pain and suffering, and I can't cope with my troubles or do anything with my life in the present. I cannot even fully understand that people would even care were I gone; I know it logically, but it remains an abstract concept to me insofar as my perceptions of myself play into the matter; of course, who knows if that would be reason enough were I able to fully realize it? Whatever the case, to use an expression that I'm sure others have said in their own desperation, I'm running out of time. If things continue as they are, my desire to no longer suffer will overcome my resilience and self-control, and that will be that. I've resigned myself to the belief that I will likely not make it. I'd rather that it not end that way, but it seems as if I've run out of options.

    I write this somewhat out of desperation, but I'm not here to ask for help on this complicated problem; it's something I'll need to work through on my own, difficult though that may be, assuming that I have the time. Rather, I'm here because I can say all of this here to people who will understand and not be turned off or pushed away by the mere mention of the dangerous difficulties I have. Thanks for reading.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 8, 2012
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Welcome to SF (though sometimes saying that seems a little silly - why would you welcome someone to a Suicide Forum when their presence here is indicative of a problem as opposed to arriving at a party)- but to rephrase - you are welcome here and I am in fact glad you found us. For you stated purpose of I'm here because I can say all of this here to people who will understand and not be turned off or pushed away by the mere mention of the dangerous difficulties I have - i am both glad and sorry to say you will find yourself with an abundance of company of people with similar feelings of difficulty and despair. Sometimes that is enough by itself to help to some degree - simply the realization that it is not just you but many many that struggle with same feelings and difficulties and have for years.
    A few small points I would like to make - despite lack of success with therapists and medications or treatment plans in the past - do not completely give up on them. Though you may not readily see the benefit of having done them - something has helped you make it 29 years already despite problems that started long ago. I guess I am trying to say - do not rock the boat too hard and change completely the things in your life that may be supports even if you are not cognizant of the support it has given you. Also you said you said I'm told that I discount all of my good qualities and that I've an almost delusionally negative view of everything---myself included---but I have great difficulty in believing this. Let me say please even in the short writing of this a large number of good qualities come through that likely you do not see in yourself but others , myself included, can plainly see.
    I can't tell you how to be happy - as the very definition of happy varies from person to person significantly. If there were a simple treatment or cure that could make everybody happy it would have been introduced en masse long ago. Drugs and therapy can help keep you from the lowest points - they cannot get you to the highest points- only you can do that yourself. From your writing here I am convinced you well know that already. I am equally sure you have yet to have figured out on your own how to do that or you would not be here. I would recommend a step back and slow down (I know 29 years seems patient to be told to slow down) and instead of looking for happiness at the moment you look for a way away from suicidal despair. Perhaps just "meeting" people in a similar situation and having the freedom to actually discuss it will help with that to some extent. I would also ask a favor of you - with the experience you have amassed from treatments and therapies you may well know some that - even if they did not work for you in your particular situation - may work for others in their situation. Also wiht a good amount of experience you have gained in dealing with your situations you may be able to share how you managed and what things did bring even the relative highs to you - share these things with the other members here. I guess I am asking that you consider becoming more than "Another visitor" and actually come in and join the rest of us here for a while.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    Hi Colorado. Welcome to SF

    the fact that your parents blame themselves is solid proof that they care so much about you honey
    you have them to live for
    i have no wise suggestions to give but happened to come across this message and wanted to share it with you.
    be safe and take care xxx

    "You will lose everything. Your money, your power, your fame, your success, perhaps even your memories. Your looks will go. Loved ones will die. Your body will fall apart. Everything that seems permanent is impermanent and will be smashed. Experience will gradually, or not so gradually, strip away everything that it can strip away. Waking up means facing this reality with open eyes and no longer turning away.

    But right now, we stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realising this is the key to unspeakable joy. Whoever or whatever is in your life right now has not yet been taken away from you. This may sound trivial, obvious, like nothing, but really it is the key to everything, the why and how and wherefore of existence. Impermanence has already rendered everything and everyone around you so deeply holy and significant and worthy of your heartbreaking gratitude.

    Loss has already transfigured your life into an altar."

    — Jeff Foste
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    it's something I'll need to work through on my own"

    No hun you do not need to work alone on this that is depression distorting your thoughts You need to continue to reach out and get therapy support hun. Each person that comes into your life will bring something different to you a new outlook a new approach on how to move forward

    Isolation is the worst hun trying to fight an illness on your own is to hard hun but with many hands to help you the struggle will not seem to be as heavy hugs
  5. Colorado

    Colorado New Member

    I don't want to sound like I'm throwing away reasons to hope or ways to get help. I only want to explain things as they are, so please bear with me when I say this stuff and don't think ill of me.

    Thanks for your words. It's less that I've given up on therapy and the like, and more that I'm just exhausted. A lifetime of dealing with these troubles---especially over the past 12 years, and most especially over the past four---and living with the associated heartbreak is finally reaching the point of exhausting me. There's only so much suffering and sadness that one can live through, and lately what was beforehand merely very painful and disheartening has progressed into unendurable agony. There is apparently no means to relief from this, at least in the short term. The present and the future seem horrifically bleak, and even if I were to resolve to yet again pick myself up and move on, I don't know if I'd have the strength to do it this time. I've just done it far too many times, over the thousands of difficult days I've had and all the things I've been unable to accomplish or to experience---stuff that comes so easily and naturally to everyone else around me.

    I'm happy to help others where I can. It hurts me to see anyone suffer even a fraction as much as I do. Helping is, I suppose, one of the things I'm good at.

    Thanks for your words. I know on a level that my parents care, but this having the capacity to make a difference to me would require an enormous diminution of my problems. Inability to connect with people or have a healthy interpersonal life are unfortunate symptoms of my difficulties. As such, the support of my parents and of those others in my life who are supportive means very little. Not only does it pain me that I cannot really connect with any of them, it also hurts that none of them can help. I don't blame them for this. Being practically beyond help in everything offered over my lifetime means that I'm the culprit (I know there's nothing to be gained by assigning blame to myself; that was an objective judgment).

    Because of the above, and because some construct in my mind is severely resistant toward believing that anyone really cares about me, other people can't be a reason for me to live for. I have always had trouble around other people. This is a problem for me, because I am not by any means a loner, and I've always craved connection with others. But in the end, my time with others has unfortunately brought me lots of frustration, sadness, and suffering. Again, this is not their fault. My own difficulties are the culprit.

    Lately I have been reading suicide survivor forums in an effort to convince myself that anyone would care if I were gone. It has thus far not helped. This is probably in the main because of my conception that I'm horribly flawed and generally of no real interest or use to others.

    Thanks for caring.

    What I meant that I'll need to do it on my own with what professional help I can get. But there isn't much that has worked. And I don't feel like there's much time, because I'm suffering a lot here and have almost no hope left.
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