another way?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alex94, Jul 3, 2012.

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  1. Alex94

    Alex94 Member

    Hey guys..
    My name is Alex, 17 going on 18, and honestly, my life is actually pretty good.
    The problem is me and i know that, but i don't know what i could possibly do.
    I have been suicidal for just over a year now, although nobody even knows, as this is my first attempt at actually trying to talk it out with anybody. I have had 2 failed suicide attempts now, and i am on the verge of trying again.
    I don't feel joy in anything i do and i know for a fact my parents hate me for that. I can't remember the last time i was truly happy and laughing. Honestly, i feel like Dexter off the TV show, i feel nothing aside from anger.
    From reading other posts i see most advice comes down to talking with family or friends, but i have some problems with that. I literally do not have any friends at all, and i am a extremely shy person, i struggle to even ask my parents questions as i am scared to speak up, so that rules out talking to my parents.
    I have a huge addiction to gaming, which is my biggest problem. If i just spent over 1 hour a day off my computer, i start shaking with frustration and anger. Which made doing my current IT course incredibly hard.
    The only thing that has kept me from trying again is the pain i know it will cause my mother and brother.
    Anyway as i said, this is my first time reaching out so i'm not sure what to say.. but any advice would be appreciated, as i don't want to hurt my family, but i really don't want to continue living. (Even if it's <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods>, but it didn't work aside from a bad headache and coughing fits for the next 2weeks)

    forgot to mention, at the moment i have a really huge project and external exams to finish my course (all done at home really) and well, i planed to be dead by now and its all catching up on me, and i can't finish it, due to my addiction and I've left it to late. But my Parents think i am nearly done and i know i won't be able to do it in time and ill be lucky if my dad doesn't throw me on the street, but i am sure he will as the course cost a lot of money..

    Anyway, i know this doesn't seem bad and i know it isn't, but i just can't stand it, its not a life i can live, expecially with a never ending emptiness feeling inside me, which is just filled with anger and hate.


  2. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel I used to play games a lot too. sadly though I lost interest in that too. I literally do very little in a day other than suffer from extreme anxiety almost all the time and have panic attacks constantly. I also hurt myself a lot I can not exactly tell you how because it will just get edited for sharing methods but I am sure you can figure it out. that is my only escape now is just self harm. feeling empty is not very fun either. so I can understand how you feel. but you know if you talk to your parents and get therapy and maybe a medication you might actually be curable. and if you are I envy you because I have not been so lucky no meds seem to work on me.
  3. Alex94

    Alex94 Member

    I am just finishing writing my final letters to my brother and my Mum, can anyone please tell me what i should put it there? i don't have much, and i really do love my family, so i want to do everything i can to make this whole ordeal easier on them.

    Also (it is custom in my family that the persons favourite song is played at there funeral)
    my two favourite songs (hopefully some of you will like it, as they got me through a lot) any advice on which one to request?

    Also, after reading my posts, i almost don't believe myself. It looks like i am faking it all i can see that through my own eyes, i am surprised no ones had a go at me yet, but after putting on a fact act all these years i guess its hard to be myself.
  4. EisNayk

    EisNayk Well-Known Member

    I am serious about you trying therapy or meds first. sometimes you can get by with therapy alone and eventually you can be even stop therapy and be perfectly fine. meds can be the same sometimes it is just the teen years and early twenties that give you problems and you manage to outgrow it. after you have at least tried these things and multiple other coping methods like I have and found them to be unsuccessful then I could understand you wanting to give up because everything else has failed. but if you are really insistent on killing yourself make sure you stress a lot that this is not their fault you are just mentally broken and the stresses your mind created on yourself just got to much to handle. the first thing your family is going to do is blame themselves for your death. so you have to stress repeatedly that it is in no way their fault for you killing yourself.
  5. antino

    antino Member

    Hey Alex,

    I'm really sorry you have to go through all this emotional pain: the selfloathing, the anger, the despair, the loneliness, the fear... I was once in your situation, but at the very brink I kinda decided not to end my life. And after all I'm glad I did not, because the future brought new opportunities. The problem is we are often stuck in the "now". We only feel the pain of this moment and we think it will just repeat itself in the future. The fact is that time brings a lot of variation. Your brain will change with getting older. The people around you will change. There will be unexpected encounters. You will meet someone who will understand you one day. Ane eventually you will feel loved and accepted.

    Maybe you are the type of person who is so sensitive that he overreacts to anthing the others say. I compare this situation like your soul being a cave where a sound enters and the echo of that sound keeps repeating itself and you can't get rid of the pain that causes. It can be a curse to be very sensitive, but it is also a gift. I don't know if this sensitivity applies to you, but I thought it was worth mentioning.

    You feel guilty about gaming too much. Maybe you should have a little pride that you are a gamer and achieving things in games. Some people are professional gamers. Gaming is not all evil.

    Another thought I'd like to add about guilt is that we are not free to choose what we do. You probably noticed that you can't decide to change suddenly your behaviour. So it's totally useless to feel guilty about what you do. There is no need to feel guilty about a situation you are not responsible for. Why should you punish yourself when you didn't choose freely the problems you have now.

    Well, it would be a pleasure to get to know you. Life is a long long time, especially when you are so young still. There can happen a lot. Some are born in prison and end as kings. I think you have a lot to offer to this world. Only your vocation isn't very clear yet. You know the kind of bosses you can't seem to beat, until you level up. Maybe you just have to wati for some more life xp.

    I wish you all the best and I hope you stay with us. I'll listen to your songs in a minute.

    Take care,

  6. Alex94

    Alex94 Member

    thank you.. both of you.
    Eisnayk how did you get help? i am a very withdrawn person, i can hardly even talk to my own brother without getting to nervous or shy... i just don't know how i can do it. The most daunting thing about seeking help rather than just leaving is the disappointment my parents will have in me, i have faced it my whole life and i just don't want to face it yet again. (i cannot afford to go to therapy sessions etc without help from third party)

    Antino, that was beautiful., in a dark sort of way.
    You got it spot on, i've always considered being sensitive as a flaw.
    It's not that i'm gaming to much, which i am, it's that i have a horrible addiction, i just can't stop. in year 12 i went from a straight a student to a C student simply because that is when it hit -_-

    Anyway, thank you both. i am going to try find some help in the next few days.

    Thanks you, having complete strangers out there willing to help means a lot.
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