Another Weekend, Another Reason

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by InMyWay, Apr 20, 2008.

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  1. InMyWay

    InMyWay Active Member

    Here it goes, continue at your own peril. Basically this is the same crap I spew out every so often now. The only thing that really concerns me about it anymore is the time interval between these rants seems to be shrinking.

    This weekend has been bad since it started. Usually my father travels to NYC for his job Tuesdays and then returns on Fridays. Well, this past week was one of the occasions where he was home for the entire week. The reasoning was that he had to show a new articulated bus to some vendors who may put it into service down in the city. Anyway, I haven’t gotten along with him since August 2007, and being around him is becoming increasingly hard. So that was one point of contention that made the weekend start badly (kind of hard for it not to start bad when the whole week was bad).

    Second thing was my mother, as much as it pains me to say that. She works second shift at a local dairy plant. So she leaves at 2 in the afternoon and returns around 11:30 at night Sunday through Thursday. Friday and Staurday are her days off. Well, her being around anymore is hard to bear because she constantly complains about everything. The house we have lived in for the past 19 years is falling apart (partially from neglect, partially from age). Naturally she has a right to complain about that, so I listen to it and comment that she’s right. I’ve been doing that for years now, and whenever something gets fixed, she still complains because she feels she has no say in the repairs. Truth is, she’s right about that, and I have agreed with her on that, made suggestions about how to get her say in decisions, and then repeated the conversation for years.

    Point three that made the weekend start badly was my brother and his wife. I was supposed to go out to a friend’s place at seven p.m. My brother gets to the house around 4:30 to do brake work on my other brother’s old car that is going to be sold. After trying to get that done for an hour (the dang tool he bought for the brake lines stripped on him and wouldn’t work right anyway) he decided it was time to turn to his other project, the family boat (which has been becoming his boat for the last few years [long story]). By this time it is six o’clock (my brother started working around five), and my mother is getting close to being home with dinner (which means she’d be saying, “Come and eat before you leave” really soon.).

    Anyway, my brother wants to raise the mast quick. So we hook it up to his Blazer to move it forward (where it was parked, pine trees would have prevented the mast from being raised) and it takes 20 minutes since one of the trailer tires keeps going flat. Well, finally the time comes to raise the mast, after being yelled at because the forestay got tangled with a side stay as we were walking the mast back to get it in position (he always yells at me when I do anything with the boat, but I never get used to it). So we raise it, with him being the one to secure the forestay. That meant I had to push the mast as hard as I could to give enough slack on the forestay to secure it. That’s kind of hard to do with mosquitoes crawling all over your back. So I get yelled at some more for not pushing hard enough, and get a lot of commentary from his wife. She’s really a nice person, but she has always had a bad habit of being annoying and childish at the wrong time. Well, we managed to get it secured and then park the boat back into its position on the lawn. I eat fast and leave, arriving 30 minutes late at my friend’s place.
    We watch a movie, talk, fun had by all. Except I keep feeling weird being there since my friend has a live-in girlfriend (who is very nice) and it always makes me feel worse to see them being so happy and intimate. Same thing happens when my brother and his wife are over. It just keeps reminding me how lonely I am, and the fact that it is a situation I’m in because of who I am. A situation that is unlikely to ever change. Anyway, Friday ends when I get home and go to bed.

    Saturday begins badly from the moment I get downstairs. The first thing I’m told (while still half asleep) is that a cable for the garage door broke. But my mother doesn’t stop there. Apparently my father wants to get a new door, new tracks, new everything while my mother wants new everything except the door. So they’ve been arguing about it for a few hours over a phone (there was a function down at my father’s Men’s Club, so he was down there cleaning the grounds and my mother was going to be there later in the day). So for the next few hours, all I hear about is how my father is a jerk and the garage door broke, and it is her responsibility to get it fixed because my father is a jerk….repeat sentence from “all I hear” a few more times. Finally she goes down to the club for an hour and a half for an initial set-up. In that time I’m able to shower, look at the damaged door, and go outside to enjoy the unseasonably warm weather for a while. She gets back and soon my brother and his wife arrive to show off some new stuff they bought for the boat.

    We also have to get the other brother’s car out of the garage for the repairs. So I help him do that, with the wife again choosing the wrong time to start talking (as well as trying to hug her husband constantly). So that gets done (but not before my blood pressure jumps) and soon everyone is back inside to look at updated puppy pictures from a breeder who has sold us one. Who cares that I think the puppy is a bad idea to buy right now, I was ignored when my father brought the subject up, and then he refused to take no for an answer and my mother caved in. After puppy pictures, my brother and his wife depart, and my mother leaves for the club. I have the house to myself for a brief few hours. So instead of enjoying it or maybe doing something constructive, I end up on my computer trying to get my blood pressure down and restore some idea of self value. Played a game (World in Conflict) for a while, and I got slaughtered constantly (no big deal, I was still able to help my team which equaled some self value for me). Then my father comes home early, he said he had been tired since he was there all day. Unfortunately he was slurring a bit, which made me mad he drove home like that. So my blood pressure went up again. My mother got home 45 minutes later, and commenced complaining about how my father ignored her the whole time she was there and how he’s a jerk…yada, yada, yada. Then I go to sleep.

    Sunday begins. Should have been a good day, warm, sunny, weather should always be a good day. It hasn’t been. I can’t drag myself outside, which my father has noticed. An hour ago he said I should wash my car (after he had left over wash water after washing his motorcycle). Whole time he washed it he had the radio blasting oldies, which I can’t stand anymore because they make me think of high school. I say no, he then says (under his breath) that basically I do nothing. Exact wording isn’t something I want to talk about, but that’s the general idea, I do nothing.

    So I’ve been sitting around the house all day, thinking about my life again. Thinking about how nice it would be to be dead, not to have to deal with any of this crap anymore. Maybe things would get better without me here, or at least people would have excuses for their behavior. Right now though I’m going to end this post because, it is overly bloated with explanation and tedium that I usually spout off. I realize it seems like I’m more frustrated than depressed right now, but personally it feels like both are in balance. I’m just going to go now, and spend some time thinking.
     
  2. eisha57

    eisha57 New Member

    that weekend sucks.
    your mother sounds...stressed.

    people always feel weird around a couple when they're single.
    it gets worse the more couples there are or the more intimate the couple is.
    im afraid theres not much you can do for that, i could said try and be happy for them and all that.
    but im sure you are.
    and i dont think its about that.
    its never about that.
    but what i will say is one thing at a time. one detail of one thing at a time.

    People often say that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder,' and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves.
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I don't know you so it is hard to give advice. So I will just give you a thought. Take your father for a walk and patch thngs up. I am speaking from experience. He's not going to be around forever and it would really tear you up to know you and him weren't on speaking terms.
    I took the first step with my dad and we patched up things. You have to let the past go. Anyhow just think about it, It does help knowing that we settled things between us. Good Luck,
    Stranger1
     
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I don't know you so it is hard to give advice. So I will just give you a thought. Take your father for a walk and patch thngs up. I am speaking from experience. He's not going to be around forever and it would really tear you up to know you and him weren't on speaking terms.
    I took the first step with my dad and we patched up things. You have to let the past go. Anyhow just think about it, It does help knowing that we settled things between us. Good Luck,
    Stranger1
     
  5. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Dear IMW first of all what you're saying is'nt a rant now what you're saying about your home life is no doubt participating hugely in how you're feeling well you can say No shit of course.But first of all that's not your fault,then seeing your brother and his wife a friend and their girlfriend together making you feel unloved or lonely doesn't help either.

    I know what you mean I'm 33 year's of age grew up in an environment where my father has and still and alway's will be an alcaholic.He could barely ever say anything nice verbal and physical abuse and the story goes on.I know it's hard for you because you're surrounded in this environment it comes down to some thing's i.e just trying your best I know it's a typical bullshit saying but still.

    Try to talk to people who can give you support it doesn't matter who they may be and if you feel down try your best not to blame yourself because you don't choose to be like that.
     
  6. Boratz

    Boratz Well-Known Member

    Another Weekend, Another Reason

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Here it goes, continue at your own peril. Basically this is the same crap I spew out every so often now. The only thing that really concerns me about it anymore is the time interval between these rants seems to be shrinking.


    Tell them since they don't see eye to eye. Its time
    to whatever ways they wish & leave the fuckin house aone .

    Are you on meds? Tell them your sick with the stressors. Torch it. End their misery for them.:mad:
     
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