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Another Year Another Reason To Die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Dec 31, 2011.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I wrote this on another forum. It feels like it should go here as well.

    So today, since it is the last day of the year, I decided to look back on my musings in this blogs for the past well five and a half months. All I can say is that I wonder if I am all talk? I look back at this and see that I only have like four actual encounters... yes FOUR... The rest is me just bitching and whining on this site. All I have done is whine about things. This is not that kind of site and I know that. Just goes to show how weak I really Iam. I have to wonder, do I really want this?

    This is a question that comes up a lot with me. Do I really want this? Seriously I have to wonder if I really want this change. Read my blog and see how little I have done. Lets play count up the excuses I come up with. It will be quite amusing for all of us. So what exactly am I doing here? Hell if anything I just lurk and be a dick... maybe it is time that I vanished from this forum... for a second time. I do not know to be honest.

    I mean I have a giant pile of goals that I want to accomplish next year. I have them all written down at accompl.sh. Feel free to read through them. It is funny lets play count how many of those goals actually involve me being around other people? There are a couple. However, I have hidden them. They are hard to find amongst all the shut in crap that I want to accomplish this year. I could easily accomplish all of these goals and rarely leave my apartment. I have more than enough to keep me busy for the next year. Which is.. well I guess kind of sad.

    I wonder why I cannot treat this self-improvement like my working out? Seriously why am I unable to do that? All this year I was able to force myself to work out about... I would say 90% of the time. It did not matter how tired, stressed, or sick I was. I could always find time to go to they gym. Some days I would just drag my ass to the gym. Even when I dragged myself I could give 100%. I cannot even give 1% for this. Ok maybe some days I was not giving 100% at the gym. However, I know I did not drop down past 85%. I wonder why I cannot go out and do the same for this? Probably because at the gym I do not have to talk to people.

    Anyway tis the last day of they year. So I figure I am going to end the year the only way I can. By drinking, playing video games and looking at the women I want, but will never have, online. It is funny each year I come closer and closer to suicide. I wonder when I will get it over with?
  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    As far as your blog, and looking back at things we've intended to do, but didn't, I think is pretty common. I think most of us look back and see what could have been done, but wasn't.

    I hope you keep posting here, you write some thought provoking posts.
  3. LoveNLost

    LoveNLost Member

    These last two paragraphs as me to a tee.

    I to use to go to a gym and work out as hard as i could, but there was always something missing...someone to train with. The people there were already in a small group with their own routine, and i hated to talk to them as i wasn't at the same level as them. I was physicly fit...put me on a cross trainer or tread mill and i can go for over an hour with out breaking a stride, but pumping weights i was useless. So i gave up and lost interest...or motivation. For me to go back i would need to train with someone, but alas i have no friends who are interested in working out, that said i have no friends at all.

    You need to dig deep and grasp what you can from your inner being and do something. Ive taken up walking again, which i love, but when i get home its back onto my PS3 and gaming. I love it but i'm addicted to it..seriously. But i do talk to people in game, so im not a compleat social outcast, but i dont seem to mix well with others in the real world.
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey FM..it's me IV..
    sorry haven't been around to help you out..too self absorbed at the moment.

    i think you've done amazingly well sticking to your workouts for 2011 and I think I've said before
    I believe you're way too hard on yourself (as we tend to be)

    I wish you a way better New Year and don't give up ok..

    your biggest achievement is having made it through another year...:hug:
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @1Lefty: :lol!: I won't quit this forum. Not just yet. Like I said that was another forum blog/journal/rambling post. I did not edit it for this site. I am glad someone finds my posts to be thought provoking. :( Seems to be the only thing I am good at.

    @LoveNLost: Well I did have a personal trainer in the beginning of my working out in 2010. So maybe that is something you can try. They are not cheap, but most are probably cheaper than a therapist. Plus you get a bunch of knowledge and someone to vent to. IMO MUCH better than a therapist.

    That is the funny thing. I recently picked up the old republic. I am a chatterbox in that game. Yet I cannot find the courage to talk to anyone in real life. Hence why I just want to give up on having friends and mates. If I have not figured it out by now then I never will has been my mentality

    @IV2010: Hi IV, tis ok that you have been dealing with your own stuff. I cannot hold that against you. We all deal with stuff. So do not worry about it. :hug:. For now I won't give up because I have an old kitty who needs me but once she is gone....
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