I wrote this on another forum. It feels like it should go here as well. So today, since it is the last day of the year, I decided to look back on my musings in this blogs for the past well five and a half months. All I can say is that I wonder if I am all talk? I look back at this and see that I only have like four actual encounters... yes FOUR... The rest is me just bitching and whining on this site. All I have done is whine about things. This is not that kind of site and I know that. Just goes to show how weak I really Iam. I have to wonder, do I really want this? This is a question that comes up a lot with me. Do I really want this? Seriously I have to wonder if I really want this change. Read my blog and see how little I have done. Lets play count up the excuses I come up with. It will be quite amusing for all of us. So what exactly am I doing here? Hell if anything I just lurk and be a dick... maybe it is time that I vanished from this forum... for a second time. I do not know to be honest. I mean I have a giant pile of goals that I want to accomplish next year. I have them all written down at accompl.sh. Feel free to read through them. It is funny lets play count how many of those goals actually involve me being around other people? There are a couple. However, I have hidden them. They are hard to find amongst all the shut in crap that I want to accomplish this year. I could easily accomplish all of these goals and rarely leave my apartment. I have more than enough to keep me busy for the next year. Which is.. well I guess kind of sad. I wonder why I cannot treat this self-improvement like my working out? Seriously why am I unable to do that? All this year I was able to force myself to work out about... I would say 90% of the time. It did not matter how tired, stressed, or sick I was. I could always find time to go to they gym. Some days I would just drag my ass to the gym. Even when I dragged myself I could give 100%. I cannot even give 1% for this. Ok maybe some days I was not giving 100% at the gym. However, I know I did not drop down past 85%. I wonder why I cannot go out and do the same for this? Probably because at the gym I do not have to talk to people. Anyway tis the last day of they year. So I figure I am going to end the year the only way I can. By drinking, playing video games and looking at the women I want, but will never have, online. It is funny each year I come closer and closer to suicide. I wonder when I will get it over with?