Answers to age old Questions

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by illusions, Aug 8, 2012.

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  1. illusions

    illusions New Member

    Taking into account the basis of this forum, I don't suppose the questions I ask in this posting are new or unique.
    I tried to keep my posting short however considering this may be my only post, I can’t hold back on what I think are relevant details.
    I want to ask opinions of this life and entry to the one after it.

    The question most prevalent which I've been seriously pondering these past few years are rather disturbing to those that live stable lives. I'm sure I come across as unstable and long winded, but like some of you, I'm seeking impossible answers to weary questions. The obvious one being...
    Is life worth the struggle?
    I am interested in other viewpoints to help guide me through my own.

    Whether it's for love, money, happiness or just daily survival, we all have our motivational reasons for surviving each day. Whether good or bad, I’m one of those folks who experience life at extreme ends of the spectrum. I see others who live in a stabilized existence with blips of good and bad and rarely do they spike in either direction, how is that possible, how does that work for some and not others. Obviously lifestyle contributes to that existence and with today's standards of living in a safe neighborhood and relaxing atmosphere, that takes money.

    Do you believe that there is a divine intervention that controls the daily outcome of our lives. I’ve always felt there was an entity which looked out for me throughout my existence,... that feeling is absolutely gone. Even though I have experienced loss throughout my life, I have always had strong intuitions that there was hope.
    Why have I lost that, has anyone else experienced this same sense of emptiness.

    What if you realized that you know it won’t ever change or just get continuously worse, why would anyone strive to hang on.
    An existence which you know you will never flourish or be happy in for the rest of your life. Waking each day without a reason for living, no purpose, no motivation or inspirational hope. We each have our breaking point.
    What happens when the only thing left to do is perform nature’s bodily functions to sustain life and even they become a futile hardship.

    We live in a society where if you make the wrong mistake or nature takes a negative turn, we can end up socially paralyzed and useless. Although you may have had many friends over the years, even the closet people to you will tend to eventually move in another direction if there is no sign of change. They all have their own lives to live. Sure, some will stay longer than others and family will always be there, but eventually you end up on your own because one tends to isolate themselves.

    The very worst thing is that you eventually judge yourself and no judgement is more damaging than your own.

    I was a single parent for 17 years when I lost my child to a senseless car accident 3 ago. I’ve worked for over 23 years straight. I especially buried myself in my career these past 3 years, 12-14 hours each day, then a year ago I lost my job and no matter how hard I try, I can’t find another. There is a threshold where opportunity expires, I have surpassed that timeframe.

    Within the next 4-6 months, I will lose the last of what I've managed to hang on to, my vehicle, home, and everything that defines me as a person in society will be gone. At my age, I will never recover from this state.

    At 53, I should be thankful for my life, but the fact is, I live for the moment and right now, without a purpose, my life has no value.
    I have lived my life on my own terms and never had to rely on anyone. I never really made any true friends, only acquaintances. I’ve had this difficulty with trust my whole life. I am 100% alone now and have lost all perspective in seeing life as worth living. I have not interacted with another human being in over 3 months now.

    So each day that I open my eyes, the first thoughts that go through my head are how I’m going to make it through the next 12 hrs before I have to sleep only to start all over again the next day.

    Each day I wake, I think of the methods how to end this miserable existence. I don’t want to leave a mess for anyone to cleanup. I want my departure to be fast and painless.
    I actually go through the motions up to the last few seconds, then I chicken out.
    I know one day soon I will have the what it takes.

    I have read all kinds of inspirational sayings and consulted my own thoughts trying to convince myself otherwise. I just can't find that inspirational thought that tells me it's worth hanging on to life.
    When I see the news of people who have lost everything to a storm or flood, how could I be so selfish in my worries. When I see the result of people who have lost their health and body functions, how can I not be appreciative that I still have mine. I'm so friggen confused. I liked my life, I never bothered anyone, I lived comfortable and was always the envy of my peers.

    I am nobody to any of you, I am just words in cyberspace. Even though I am an individual human being, the meaning of my troubles have been diluted by the tens of thousands like me over time. Suicide is a common factor in many lives these days and does not have the shock value that it used to. I don't want the attention, but I will be honest, I want to know that there is another chance for happiness and don't know how to determine that ... I'm not talking about one or two months or years of contentment, I'm talking about coming to terms with yourself to realize that there is something bigger and more substantial to hang on to. A reason for living.

    When we turn to dust, do our souls still exist. Does anyone think that life after death continues in some context. Many people I talked to in the past think there is a heaven and you can look at the people here with an understanding of right and wrong. I personally think that if you exist in the next level, emotions are gone, there is no sense of right and wrong and what is going on here is really meaningless.
    Is that a disillusioned way of seeing the next life. I just think there is no sense of worth and material aspects to anything so being happy or sad or judgmental is gone.
    How many thousands have ended their own lives for much less... I find it hard to believe that we will be judged after death for doing what is so common now, yet, there is a doubt, and that's what's making me hesitate.

    Mary Ann Faithful stated that after taking an overdose of Heroin, she died but at that very last moment realized how much she wanted to hang on to life. This came from a person who had a history of multiple attempts to try and checkout. There are many similar statements from those who crossed over the line and were returned. They all wanted to live. Why? what happened in those last moments that made life such a desire to hang on to. It makes me think there is something to fear in death...
    I think if there is an existence after this, we take what we’ve learned with us to the next consciousness. Not sure how that applies to the evil entities of the world or the thousands that die in countries where life is so cheap and meaningless.

    Could it be that Life is an illusion, that we live like a dream. Could it be that it's nothing unless you're in it.
    Could it be that the importance of life is our individuality. Our lives may be like a drop of water which after this life falls into an ocean, then it becomes part of something else and individuality is lost forever.
    If that's true, then all the efforts we put into living here really mean nothing in the end.
    Did that make any sense to anyone at all, have I lost my mind.

    I came to this site as the last resort to share and consult with other people who might have more experience in knowing about the good or bad in taking your own life because sometimes being alone with your own thoughts for too long can be detrimental to making a proper decision.
    I am sincerely trying to understand the meaning of it all and I know there is no one that knows the answer, but is there someone that can convince me that there is a reason good enough to hang on to it.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    firstly, hello and welcome! that's a long first post you've got. you ask some interesting questions.

    is life worth the struggle? I would say in most cases, yes. i think that in some cases, where someone has a terminal illness and they are just in terrible pain all the time, and there is nothing that they need to work out on an emotional level or in a relationship, suicide might be justified.

    for most people though, there is a real opportunity to get better, even though it might not seem like it. in those cases, yes, i would say worth the struggle

    about practical issues. are you eligible for disability or unemployment benefits? retirement benefits?

    you may also want to check out the link in my sig

    divine intervention. i don't know if there is intervention on a day-to-day or moment-to-moment basis. maybe.

    i don't think it's the sort of thing that one can prove or disprove, but I have come to believe that there is some sort of divine order to the universe. i certainly think that i'm happier thinking that way.

    those that believe in karma say that sometimes people who do good things have bad things happen to them. and sometimes people who do bad things have good things happen to them. but eventually, your karma catches up with you.

    i've met people who claim to be enlightened beings. what they say is that the nature of existence is pure bliss, but that you have to meditate intensely to discover this.

    seems like it's worth a try. in addition to checking out some treatment options, you might want to try meditating on a regular basis to see if what is said about mediation is true: gateway to pure bliss and total understanding, that is, enlightenment.

    i think that you are supposed to meditate for an hour every day. deep meditation. the mind is kept completely empty while remaining awake.

    meditating in a group is supposed to help. if you can maintain daily meditation for three years, a transformation is supposed to occur. enlightenment could take longer. oh, and in addition to the bliss, one is supposed to freed from reincarnation.

    so i can't tell you if this true or not, but maybe worth looking into.

    the being that you say watched over you? well, if it was ever there, maybe it nver left, you just have to find a way to see it again. this is the first time i've posted on this site in a couple of months, so maybe your guardian angel was tugging at my sleeve :)
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    damn it, every time I use the back arrows, a double post is made :(
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I truly do not know where to begin to respond to this post, as I am almost in sensory overload thinking and feeling all of it...I guess I have found that when things are simple (not banal) I can find myself...ah, the key to happiness or to a satisfied life...the question since persons' existance, and yes, it is different for each person...for me, the simple trick has been to show in the world, warts and all, and know that I have attained something it love or trust or the egoistic need to be attached, I can only get that when I am in the world...this does not mean that I do not think about suicide often (I have been suicidal since age 7) but it does mean there is more to keep me here...and yes, it is all a delusion as I am much worse off and much better off than I often admit...for me, this is one of the Zen stories which keeps me here:

    The Real Miracle

    When Bankei was preaching at Ryumon temple, a Shinshu priest, who believed in salvation through repetition of the name of the Buddha of Love, was jealous of his large audience and wanted to debate with him.

    Bankei was in the midst of a talk when the priest appeared, but the fellow made such a disturbance that Bankei stopped his discourse and asked about the noise.

    "The founder of our sect," boasted the priest, "had such miraculous powers that he held a brush in his hand on one bank of the river, his attendant held up a paper on the other bank, and the teacher wrote the holy name of Amida through the air. Can you do such a wonderful thing?"

    Bankei replied lightly: "Perhaps your fox can perform that trick, but that is not the manner of Zen. My miracle is that when I feel hungry I eat, and when I feel thirsty I drink."

    Please PM me anytime, but please expect that I will be either eating or drinking
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