antagonists among us...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by DarkLordVader, Jan 31, 2014.

  1. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    i hope and pray the right people see this, because if they think for one second i am ever going to forgive or forget how they verbally abused me, well they are mistaken. i will NOT be a whipping boy for these antagonists who sit on top of their high horses thinking they are better than everyone else. i am not allowed to name people because that would be against the rules and why would i want to break them, or maybe i do? there is a sickness here and they need to be punished for their crimes, instead of being coddled like a bunch of 3 year olds... i am the one who gets the pain, the punishment, the rejection... i am the one that has a STIGMA against them, is judged because of the words i speak. WELL... i speak the truth and i am tired of these people telling me different, they dont like me and dont want me around. i see how they support a lot of other people, what do i get? kicked between the legs, or told to get lost... YES... that is the cold hard truth and you can take it to the bank.... i will never ever forget.... never...
     
  2. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    Hi, DarknessWithin. I am new here, so I don't know anybody who has wronged you here. You can talk to me if you'd like. Tell me why you are hurting.
     
  3. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    its just my anger... it has gotten worse over the last few weeks... i get so angry that i shake and then i black out now and i end up saying things i dont mean. i end up hurting others and then myself... i am not that monster people perceive me as, i am a good decent person...
     
  4. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    I believe that you are a good person. It's so difficult when people jump to conclusions and don't understand. Do you get angry at things that are seemingly small, like people ignoring you or cutting you off in line? Or is there something going on in your life making you very anxious?
     
  5. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    These forums should be a safe place for you to express how you are feeling as long as you don't threaten anyone with physical harm. If you are angry, you should talk about that and not fear being judged EVER. Do you ever feel like you want to hurt someone or hurt yourself?

    Darkness, I have read some of your previous posts and I see that you have coped with drugs and alcohol. But you express how badly you want help and that means that there is a healthy person inside you wanting to break free. Do you ever feel shame over your actions?

    You definitely need a therapist, but keep in mind that it's okay to change therapists if one isn't working for you. You need a therapist who deals with anger management. It's very dangerous for you to struggle on your own. You don't have to suffer alone, Darkness. I was married to a man with anger problems. Talk to me.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 31, 2014
  6. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    This may sound like a stupid question: but have you thought about getting a prescription for medical marijuana? My friend who has anger and anxiety swears by it.
     
  7. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member



    every time something happens, it can me minuscule, it just sets me off... because i am in such pain i use the excuse of my inner darkness that i have embraced in order to live and survive... i do drink alcohol and smoke marijuana to cope with my pain. honestly, its the only thing i have ever done where i have a good time. i have never had a good time sober, well since sally killed herself almost 4 years ago... the 5th of feburary will be the anniversary... i also lost the kids we both had to adoption and that too angers me... she left me here all alone and i feel as if nobody cares or wants to care... i loved my kids and they are gone because her death sent me into a downward spiral and who i am today is a cultivation of that... i am a dying mess and when i go off in anger that is how i scream for help...
     
  8. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    Darkness.....I am so sorry for your loss. That is a LOT of loss and trauma for one person to take. No wonder you cope the way you do. It is COMPLETELY understandable that you would find solace in drugs and alcohol.......When the pain becomes greater than the resources to cope, suicidal thoughts take over, don't they?

    I don't want to trigger you......but I attempted suicide twice last year because I felt the same way that you do right now....alone and unwanted. I still struggle. I also drink. The only thing that even calmed me down was medication, Darkness. I have a primary care physician. I went to him and said, "I need help." He prescribed a mild anti depressant called Citalopram that did take away some of the pain (the physical pain)

    Your anger is completely justified. But it is not okay for you to turn your anger on yourself. It's not okay to hurt yourself even if you think that's what you deserve. It's not. What you deserve is love. You deserve love and you have every right to grieve. Tell me more. I am here for you.
     
  9. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    once the anger or blind rage has gone away i get depressed, because i know inside that i had hurt someone and i cant tell them how sorry i was for that. see my anger and all the verbal abuse i have taken over my 41 years has turned me into sort of a hitman of words. i can hurt anyone, given the proper time and motivation... its all the things that were told to me but with more of a sadistic twist to it. when i am verbally attacking people it gives me a rush... how sick is that? i have compared my life to one of the fiction world and it does feel to be truth... watch star wars episode 3 where anikin skywalker loses his wife and their 2 little ones... she dies and the babies are taken and hidden from him... same scenario as myself although not in a fictional context... i have gone to my personal doctor and he tried to prescribe me medicine but the insurance company wouldnt allow it... figures doesnt it? every time i see these therapists and doctors i dont feel they have my best intentions in mind and all i am is a fucken number... not even a name... so they can piss up a rope for all i care... i hate society, i hate people... i want to see the destruction of this world, so i will never have to suffer ever fucking again...
     
  10. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    You have been so hurt. You want to hurt others......you lash out. It's UNDERSTANDABLE and not as uncommon as you think. You feel bad afterwards because you know it doesn't help to lash out. It feels so good at the time. But don't trivialize what has happened to you, you have been through hell. You must get a therapist to help you with your insurance issue. If there is a university nearby with a psychiatry program, they sometimes offer very cheap counseling sessions (like getting a haircut at a beauty school, only with therapy) I've seen the sessions as low as ten dollars a session. But you are clearly in need of medical intervention. You cannot keep self-medicating. Good for you for going to your doctor and fighting for yourself! If you love fantasy, it's okay to immerse yourself. If it makes you happy to watch movies or play video games, do that. What has happened to you is monumentally unfair and you want justice.......there is nothing wrong with feeling that way, Darkness.
     
  11. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    i can never repair the destruction i have caused, just the the hulk character, when he is in rage mode, he destroys everything... that is all i do, every time... no wonder i am all alone in my life.. i have killed everything around me... to not be angry would feel weird and i would just revert back to who i am now... i cant let my guard down so some scumbag can come in and verbally trash me... i wont allow that shit to go on, ever!!! these arrogant assholes need a wake up call, a reality check and you know what, i vote for me... i need to make then feel the pain and suffer like the animals they are... you cant cross me and get away with it... i refuse to let them get away with murder....
     
  12. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    Tell me what these people say to you. What kind of abuse have people inflicted upon you? Do you really believe that you can't repair? Or are you just punishing yourself by thinking that?

    Also, what was your childhood like, Darkness? Did you suffer then as well? Do you have anyone in your family who can support you emotionally?
     
  13. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    I want you to know that I am going to bed now, Darkness, but I will check back tomorrow. Please take care of yourself and I will talk to you soon.
     
  14. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    its been since i was a child, in school, out of school, hanging with so called friends... it just never stopped... no matter what i ever did, i was never good enough for anyone at all ever... people have looked down upon me since i was a child, do you think those fucking assholes care? nope, do i want to seek revenge and ruin their life, you god damn betcha man... they dont deserve a good life, all they need is pain, pain and fucking suffering and i want to give it to them all... i want to see them cry and suffer... that would bring me joy of monumental proportions... you just have no idea what they have done to me. i cant go into detail on what was said because i would be here for a month and my post would take a year to read... no, i live with family and they treat me like shit, no support what so ever./.. if i was to end my life, they wouldnt care, pretty much nobody would care... i am getting closer and closer to death, it has become a more attractive option for me. nobody on this site likes me, nobody in this fucked world likes me, so why not eat a bullet? its the only way out... when i am gone, then all these goodie two shoe assholes will be rid of the monster... i swear these people are cowards and dont have the balls to say they hate me... fucken sends me into a rage because they wont talk... i fucken hate them....
     
  15. Ima.robot

    Ima.robot Senior Member

    Darknesswithin

    I dont know what the latest happenings are in chat, but Ive come to learn about you that you have anger issues and are trying to get better from what I can see which is good. But youve got to see it from the other side as well, when you get angry at someone its most peoples natural reaction to pull away. Most people including myself probably dont know how to handle it. Its tough because then once they pull away, you start judging them saying they need to be punished similar to how they are judging you. Can you see the hypocrisy there? You want people to understand you but what about trying to understand it from their point of view too? You may not know how to control your anger and they may not know how to deal with others anger. Ive only talked to you a few times in chat but we clashed at first then I thought we we cool after that and I felt like I was trying to talk to you but once I said one thing that you didnt agree with you just didnt reply anymore.

    Again I dont know what the latest happening in chat was but Im just saying its a hard situation for everybody, everyone here has issues and not everyone is going to know how to respond. People get judged all the time, its a fact of life. We can try not to but it does happen subconsciously at minimum. I dont think im above you, I see a human as a human I hope thats not what you get out of this post. I just think theirs more than one side to a story and not everyone knows how to read the language in everyones book so to speak. A lot of people wont understand. It seems like you can be really nice to others when that other side of you doesnt come out, and I genuinely see that you are trying to get help, and I applaud that. But on a site where others are also suicidal people getting angry at them may be triggering and want to avoid that because some of us dont understand that. Again I dont think im better than you thats not why I posted this, and you may hate me even more now if you didnt already, but I just hope you to understand that just like you want others to understand you, it also helps to try to understand them. I hope you dont take this the wrong way and I hope you continue with therapy because you deserve to get help.
     
  16. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    Hello darkness some people suggested I should write to you. I did start to write something in a prior post where you asked for support but then got tired and thought you would likely take it the wrong way so why bother. The thing is this though, I have looked at some other threads where people have given you advice and your reactions to it. So it makes me wonder if you don't want support at all, but a narrow version of support that treats you like a victim in all this, which just keeps feeding into the very thing that keeps you in pain and miserable. I am a realist and my advice would be blunt and direct devoid of sentiment. Some people appreciate this and others run a mile.

    If you gave me the time of day instead of writing me off as arrogant and better than you, maybe I can share with you how I have got my own anger mostly under control and now for the most part channel it productively. So it is not killing me and harming others in the process. I am certainly not a picture of stability but it is better than my truly 'dark' days.

    Allied anger is possible. All that misplaced anger could be turned into a strength used to not fix the past, but make a better quality of life for yourself now and in the future. The darkness you cloak yourself in is utter tripe and is no truth but a lie you flirt with. I pull apart why and how you just damage yourself with it and bury the decent human being you are, that I have seen on occasion express itself with positive effect. I am going to leave you an open invite however to be offended and challenged by me. Let me know and I will finish it. But I doubt you can handle it. I fully expect you to run a mile and seek out those that will mollycoddle you.

    Did that last sentence provoke some anger? Good, I hope so, why don't you come prove me wrong. That then is the first step on the path towards allied anger and maybe doing something different. But I suppose you can do what you have done before. Make some mocking dismissive statement towards my attempts at compassion with you. Engage in the same pattern, over and over again with the same pain as an end result. Are you not tired of the pain yet?
     
  17. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member


    dont take this personal, but i dont understand what you were trying to say, if it was meant to send me into a fit of rage it didnt. did i win the battle here? maybe because now i am clear headed and calm, the rage has subsided and is in remission at the moment... what intrigues me the most is, who would ask you to respond to me? after all, i have done nothing but hurt person after person after person... i highly doubt once my chat ban is lifted that anyone would welcome me back. of course i deserve what i get, i will reap the things i sew, its all part of the pain and suffering i bring on to myself.
     
  18. Adam

    Adam SF Supporter

    This is precisely it Darkness you are like two people. When the anger takes over you are a slave to it. If you had been in angry mode this post would have hopefully provoked you to rage at me. I would wait for it to die down and talk to the person beyond the anger by simply being stubborn. As that is the person certain people see worth in, so do I. You seem to view yourself as a lost cause.

    When you are like this you are more approachable but wrapped in an almost masochistic state of viewing yourself as pure evil. But you are not, you are just in pain. Those that approached me obviously see that also. Who they are is for them to choose to reveal or not. But they know of my own anger.

    It is indeed true though you reap what you sow. Why not sow something different?

    My offer still stands. Maybe you can objectively look at it. Respond to the points raised and maybe stop reaping pain for others and yourself and look for solutions that end your slavery to rage. I have a lot of patience for people Darkness and you and I have spoken before. Some times I wonder if you have memory issues or something?

    Have you given up on yourself?
     
  19. lautanner

    lautanner Well-Known Member

    Darkness,
    People are making an effort to talk to you and understand you. That means they care about you. I understand if you are at a point in your life where you trust no one. You need to trust yourself. You are not evil and you are not a lost cause. You have a lot to give here and elsewhere. You don't deserve pain.
    Please know that I am not here to give advice.....I don't think that's what you need or want. But I am always here to listen. Another reason to get a therapist: do you have a job or are you on disability? If you are on disability you should be able to get help getting a therapist and medication.
     
  20. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    what set me off yesterday was my truck is stuck in the snow and i cant get it out by myself. i cant afford to pay some tow company to help me, so that was the catalyst of my entire rage fit from yesterday... this is what i get for being cruel to so many people, it comes back 10 folds on me and its what i deserve...