Antecdotes and Witticisms

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by jameslyons, Mar 4, 2009.

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  1. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Here's a game where you just put a funny anecdote or witticism down.

    Such as :

    Writers are good people; they hardly ever speak.

    Any occasion is worth attending after the second cocktail.


    He was a generous man and always shared cocktails; prefering to give others the soda and he the gin.

    think Buzz Killington from Family Guy
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    "He was a man who would judge the success of the previus evening on the color of his morning urnine - the darker it was the more chagrin he'd feel when talking with his wife at breakfast; she mostly stonefaced. "

    "The rpoblem with money is not that it's difficult to get, but rather difficult to keep. "

    "She doesn't like me when I drink," I told the young man next to me at the bar. "But Beth doesn't mind at all. Mostly because we've yet to go to bed with one another."

    "You're drunk," she sneered from the cusp of her martini.
    "And you're a whore -- but I'm impotent; I don't know what's worse. I haven't a disease, I suppose that's something."
    She threw the martini in his direction and weaving through his sobriety, the majority of it fell upon him.

    I like downtown Los Angeles in the winter rains. The homeless retreat to subway cars and awninged buildings with low security. And I don't have to worry about stepping in somebody's vomit or urine. The rats, however, are always made to be in a dour mood.

    The only time he felt good in Sacramento was when he sat on the lightrail train. Staring at the end of the car he fondly remembered Los Angeles' subway system. The Blue line went over Inglewood, the Red line through Hollywood, the gold line through Chinatown, and the Green line to LAX. &th and Flower was a nexus for The Red and Blue line to meet - where stockbrokers and bankers stepped off the train to visit a tacoria before work, ignoring pleas for change or food.
  3. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Waking up one morning after drinking, he thought his fingers looked particularly fat.

    She was a girl who was only comfortable when men fawned after her; Megan was quite the opposite -- she admited to being devestated when men carried affection for her.

    She took a sip of whisky, scrunched her nose and said that it was a man's drink. The earlier gin and tonic reminded her of an old lover, who had a similar habit as mine.

    James attempted to find paternal figures in literary icons; ironic since his father was an active, albe struggling, writer and producer.

    Maria would wear a red smock around the house that reminded one of the lunch lady in elementary school.

    Ever since kristyn offered herself to him, he had a problem not looking at her legs when they met in the kitchen after their day.

    Justin made an odd comment the other day in regards to Christine, a girl he likes and a girl I work with: "What is her ethnicity?" I would never think of asking that.

    I've never responded to the French accent. I prefer Russian. That was until I met a French-Algerian who was simply lovely.

    Why do people attempt to sell saltines without the salt?

    Without suicide to look forward to, life can become dull and tiresome.
  4. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    The roommate's cat brought with it fleas. And with fleas, one is condemned to several days of rigorous chores. One must vacuum, then was all their clothing. Then vaccum again and again. Needless to say, after the first introduction, James was not a fan of the feline.

    Depression had been the constant focus of his life; this was a shame for it made dinner conversation quite dull.

    Justin had become enamored of Christine, yet I needed to remind him to shave before next seeing her.

    James couldn't abide racism. The insult to intelligence and perception was too great to ignore.

    He would often find himself embarrassed for women he found unattractive and confident among ugly men. This made him guilty and fed his self-hatred.
  5. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Often, when taking his dates to eat, he wasn't sure if his checking account could cover the price of the meal.

    Pancho's Cantina And Mexican Grill served the best gin and tonics in Sacramento - smooth gin and twist of lime in a tall glass with an affordable price; their food, however, was simply awful.

    Megan's eyes would often draw him in. She wasn't particularly beautiful but instead carried with her a certain kissability - so long as her nails weren't set to castrate you.

    He couldn't bear the thought of her naked with a man other than he, so he argued for her empowerment from male patriarchy.

    James had successfully fooled the landlords- they found him to be of an intelligent, honest, intuitive and outgoing disposition; amid their praise he thought of suicide.

    "I'm mourning my stolen car and lost 33 year-old tooth. [The car can be replaced], but I've grown quite fond of the tooth." -- Scott Fitzgerald in a letter to his friend. :laugh:
  6. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    if thiis qualifies as an anectode of witticism but this is one of my favourite quotes

    people tell me i look mournful, but im a happy person really. i dont dot my 'i's with hearts though - daniel radcliffe
  7. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    That's a good one. He does look sad all the time, but he was really funny on Extras :D .

    For the second time that evening she realized he had nothing of interest to say.
  8. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    'some days its not worth chewing through the leather straps in the morning'

    i might shock people with my sedateness, but i doubt it - rose mcgowan

    'its nice to be important but its important to be nice'

    i have life rage. i'd say that deep down, im very disillusioned - christina ricci

    i have nothing but gratitutude for every single moment of my stupid little life - kevin spacey in american beauty

    sorry.. i have a little thing for quotes!!
  9. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    At least Irvine Welsh got a novel out of this shit.

    "You wanna see $60,000?" --Hubert Selby Jr., novelest, to a friend as he raised his arm and showed a series of needlemarks

    Adolph leaned tightly against the counter top, while James edged forward eagerly, smelling the alcohol from Adolph's cup. It looked to be a cheap port; for the heart no doubt.

    Kristyn laid a plate of brownies on the table. James, after having one desired another, but felt guilty as the entire house had already evacuated the majority of the plate.

    "Who was aye kiddin' ? I looked twenty-five goin on forty" - Irvine Welsh's Trainspotting.
  10. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    'the only pressure we feel is the pressure we put upon ourselves'

    in the future everybody will be world famous for 15minutes - andy warhol

    i am a survivor. i cannot be silenced by people who dislike me for my imagination - marilyn manson

    the only job i though i could do was an elvis impersonator that drops out of a plane - meg white (white stripes)

    ive come to the conclusion that lifes fucked the whole way - jonathan davis (korn)

    'bones heal.. but glory is forever'

    the dark days were part of somebodys grand scheme.. the more you plot your life, the more you end up doing wrong - jimmy chamberlain (smashing pumpkins)

    i did wonder what i'd do when i was 40, living in a cold cottage with no money, playing a broomstick and a piece of string - k.t tunstall

    to think life has a meaning and then realise you're just a lump of organs, i havent quite come to terms with mortality - helen mccrory
  11. crookxshanks

    crookxshanks Well-Known Member

    'im in the middle of this burning inferno of car wrecks'

    'satire these days means waiting for somebody else to do something then taking the piss out of it'

    i havent really been on that journey of self-discovery - elijah wood

    sex is a bad thing because it rumples the clothes - jackie kennedy

    'in a world where the dead are returning to life the word 'trouble' loses much of its meaning'

    'its very easy to be an idiot but much more difficult to be an individual'

    'i wonder if pop music is only about selling sex. does it end when you are too old to sell sex'

    i cant tell you whether my work is good or not. i get too freaked out watching it' - johnny depp

    we have created our own little world. when you do that nothing can get to you - meg white (white stripes)

    i stand on my mark, i say my lines and i try not to look like an idiot. and it thats not good, bite me - katherine isabelle

    'maybe im in the middle of a midlife crisis but i keep being told i'm too young for that'

    'i still have that peter pan sensibility where chronology makes no sense to me - though my life is probably two thirds over'

    'i dont know what my life is. bloody mass of contradictions actually'

    '"who did it" is such a narrow rather strile question. the interesting thing is why and how'

    when i have to hire someone to write my records so i sound like i used to.. stick a fork in me - trent reznor (nine inch nails)

    'im not trying to be a fucked up person.. i just am a fucked up person'

    'i always write about what its like being a flesh bag down here on this earth with all these emotions'

    'a dark side doesn't necessarily mean an evil side - it means a side that we cant show'

    'the devils there, watching and waiting. i need to know hes there to keep ahead of him'

    sorry, im really bad at remembering who said what as i just write the things down!!
  12. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member


    Kristyn had never learned the benefits of classifying information. A delightfully naive behavior that only grew annoying when she flippantly told stories of your vices to those who held power above you.

    He reacted to her dangerous discourse with a straightened back, socially upturned knee, and a growing predatory grin. 'Now hold on,' he said diplomatically, 'here here, let me finish this tale.' Hating her openness, James added many fantastical elements to a night - now weeks passed - of heavy drinking.

    With each sip of cheap sangria , James smiled more and looked to his hosts with a growing interest.

    Kristyn was a girl of twenty-two who had witnessed little drinking in her upbringing, as such, she had yet to meet an adult who could enjoy alcohol without becoming tight. To her alcohol was as opium.

    James slept fitfully the past two nights - his dreams were haunted with nightmares.
  13. danz

    danz Well-Known Member

    I started out with nothing...I still have most of it.
    Some days you're the dog, some days the hydrant.
    I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
    Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
    If all is not lost, where is it?
    It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
    If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
    The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
    I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
    It was all so different before everything changed.
    Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.
    Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
    I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
    It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
    Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
    The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
    Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
    If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
    An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
    It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
  14. danz

    danz Well-Known Member

    WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

    The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

    Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

    This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.

    Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.

    The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

    So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
  15. danz

    danz Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

    Maybe this world is another planet's hell.
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