Anxiety wont let me die, calmly ....:'

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LillMy8989, Nov 25, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    I cannot live, I cannot die...yet. But who stops me from trying ....

    What do I want??? Do I wanna be, or stop being ...? Nothing helps with thinking I'm going to trash it no more, only way out is death and I will but you think it is an easy part includes no courage..? Well... go on take my brain, we are not in any need of any if this continues.

    Actually I don't have any good lightness for the very future AT ALL. And what do I do about that? I have my plans and though no one is going to help me I'll be better by my own. Called 'life', doesn't it...? - In a way...

    (I am absolutely NOT looking for a helping hand trying to UP me from this, that I've been called to many times and I am now a listener to MYself, I am going DOWN.)!
    So lack of everything and I think I'm dying every time Im looking at my bills, no job=no money -> I am sick, can't get a job and as living in a small community is 'natural' to be "unemployable". But if I'm going out, I still got my final plan to turn to, and I'm not lying I feel a kind of relief when thinking of it, Maybe today, tomorrow, I wanna be first, or/and last of doing something like this, and hopping it'll takes to the more likely, better and safe way when 'killing' someone, of course I'm talking about totally legal Suicide-Clinics, why not?! It's the patient will (at age over 18 or 20) to have this right, - "do I wanna live with myself in eternity unhappy or do I wanna end it here and now..?", I know, I knew.

    But tell me who is strong that I can live with myself to this night???? (It is freezing cold and snowing outside and could possibly be the biggest mistake I have ever done, I mean by the snowing.)
    Telephone rings but no ones answering.... I have become something I don't like, and, I DON'T LIKE THAT! In person I am very social and outgoing, likes doing caf├ęs and such but now.... I, just, wanna... I'm not depressed but the sadness (I have never felt) and the anxiety (no ones deserve) is killing me inside, which could be my dead-end when it's time doing it, I want to die but am I strong enough when crying seas .....

    Please, I'm no player for this game, just let me 'Game-Over'. :mushroom:
  2. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    please don't give up. I care about you.:pinkrose:
  3. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Thanks Raphael :)

    But the :spaz: is going :zombie: before :unsure:
    I will do it!!!!!!!! FUCK snow:(((
  4. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    keep us updated
  5. avp

    avp Member

    I used to love the it makes my body hurt. I wish I could trade in the few parts of me that work and make someone like you whole again. Sorry you are suffering.
  6. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi Lill. Please don't give up hun. Get into someplace nice and warm and wrap yourself in a warm blanket. I know it's rough when you don't have a job or money, but keep looking and hopefully something will come up. Life can improve. Don't give up. :hug:
  7. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    I will but now it just feels like i cant even do that..litl coward ive been.. just sititng, wasting.. cant think.. cant nothing ,, what to do.. im in no need of anything anymore.... i dont wanna , its so hard think, just THINK , simple as that . but, hard..( thanks for thinks , but i just cant.... i take me out of tis is even harder when folks is calling me things, both bad and those who's actually cares... I HATE PEOPLE where im living, disgusted.... no understanding and no helping whatsoever...

    WHAT TO DO???!....Rather then going insane or... you know ..?
  8. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Maybe go for a short walk..? put on a few coats? get ur blood moving? idk.. not sure if thats helpful.. I just go for walks when Im starting to get anxious / depressed..
  9. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    I would if it doesn't for the cold an deep snow-shit that's been killing me for days, only you can do is being inside crying numbly, no emotions... just anxiety, growing... I have had for weeks, or month in a raw now, see, I can't take it any longer.

    I have been thinking of <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> but im still searching for being on the save roads, I can't take it no more and I WANT TO WIN!!! Please, kill me and let it all go, but working, dying is like sleeping, no pain and no game, just sleeping, try and you will like it. :poo:
    I'm serious, I JUST CAN'T LIVE WITH YAs ...I'm sorry.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 27, 2010
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'm sorry but I don't really understand your last post.
    Why are you so depressed? What has got you to this place? I know it's hard but you've got to keep going, you don't know what's round the corner. Tell me more about your story. Sending hugs.
  11. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    I know I do sounds litl lost but Im so desperate, only way to get out of this is to get a looooong full sleep cause this is just taking me down to square 1, again, and i am so stucked from all these feelings....I want to but i CANT, you know I dont wanna fail
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Try and get a good nights sleep tonight Lillmy. That way you can think a little more clearly about what to do next. Hope you're feeling a little better. :hug:
  13. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    I am alseep forever if I only get the tools, then I dont need any sleep anymore

    Ehm no I didn't do it...not because i am a total coward, I need to do something... so lost of words i dont know what im saying anymore and neither no one else thats sad.

    But I do have some problems with my doc. too who doesn't wanna lower my dose of medication anymore that makes me feel like this im telling , maybe that is the problem but I will and so will do till 100 % going to.. no excuses. I want to pass away happy. :)
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.