I think anxiety is an obvious problem of many people considering suicide. Tonight I am dealing with an anxiety attack. I play basketball for junior college, and I've been doing great. We just won our first game yesterday, and I pretty much iced the game with a three that I made, and then with free throws. I've gottin' a double-double three of the last four games, and at this point in the season I am averaging a double-double, rebounds and points. And if it is not clear to see, basketball is my life. But to play I have to do work. So now I am in college. The last semester I took was, 06/07, in which I did not try for shit, but I still managed to get C's in a few classes that I did not try at all in. Me being me, I do not make an excuse for anything. It does not matter what cercumstance that I am in, how nervous I feel, whatever it is, I don't make an excuse. Now I'm back in school after two horrible years of misery and drug abuse, and I have been putting an effort into making good grades. I have not gone 'full out,' which I believe will come with repitition of being in school, but I have put forth constant effort. Then I look at my grades for the end of this term, up to now sense the final grades have not been put into the system yet, and they are not good, at all. I was reading it, and straight anxiety attack. And I think I figured out part of the reason as to why I feel as shitty as I always do. Because when I try, its bull shit like this. The "logical" way out of this, is to not try, then I can never fail, but where will that take anyone? Then on top off all the bull shit, I'm worried about letting my team down if I don't end up with a 2.0 GPA by the end of this semester, which will literally crush me. If I cannot play basketball, I will literally kill myself. I took anthropology, and I did not try for shit, and I got a C, and these classes I've actually tried in, I'm not convinced I am going to get a C. Then I have to study for this math final, I have to cram all this information into my skull before 8 o'clock in the morning. It would be so nice to not have to worry about every little thing in the world. This past week I have been telling myself that I will do fine, because I believe I will. Then I pick up my math pre-test, and I just get a sick feeling because I do not know the material, and it feels like I have to start from scratch. It would be nice to step out of my body for just one day, but that will never happen, so why the fuck would I think it? And then when I feel like this, the only thing that came to mind was an Eminem lyric, "life is like a big obsticle, in front of your opticle to slow you down, and every time you think you've gottin around it, it's going to come back around and tackle you to the damn ground." Thats exactly what I feel like. It just isn't fair. And I understand that I don't have it as "bad" as some other people. But that just doesn't concern me, because I'm not them, I'm me. So why the fuck should I have to worry about what someone with no home is doing when I feel so worthless? You can call it what you want, but I got to get it out. It just isn't fair. I will literally be crushed if I don't have the grades to play basketball. Basketball, this year, has literally opened doors for me, people look up to me on this team, I've never felt that way in my life. I'm counting on math, because im literally shitting on math right now, I have a B+ at least, and thats being modest. I'm counting on math to just keep me afloat. And if I fuck math up, I'll seriously kill myself. I just hate this feeling so bad. Then problems at home with my family. I'm sitting here talking to my mom about how I would rather be dead, because of anxiety and depression, then my dad comes downstairs talking bull shit, like I was just telling my mom that I blaim him for everything, which wasn't even the topic of discussion. Then my father, realize, my father, tells me to go do it. I'm telling them I just want to die, and he says, go do it, just go do it. Then he starts calling me the 'N' word, because I'm fucking white, and I'm fucking 'hood' from the suburbs, I can't stand shit. And that is the shit that I come home to. After a day of hating shit, I come home to this. I can only be thankful for my mom, because if she wasn't around I would be the most angry person in the world, and on top of being angry, I'de be nervous, which is a wonderful combination if you haven't experienced it. Basketball keeps me alive. The coaches tell me things I've never heard in my life. Calling me a grown man, compliments, the assistant coach said he was proud of me when I spoke up durning half time when the coach was angry, and nobody else on the team was speaking up. He said that he knows that it's kindof a personality change for me to be the leader of the team, but they need it. I said that I think the problem is, that I don't view myself as that, which is a problem, because I need to view myself as a leader, because I am. I've sacrificed so much shit, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, toxic friends, my complete lifestyle changed. I'll be completely crushed if I do not keep my grades to play basketball. As stupid as it sounds, thats why I do everything I do, it's all because of basketball, I just want to live a better life. The reason I may sound so negetive is because I have to get it out of me, I can't bottle this shit up. If I tell my mom this shit, she doesn't want to hear it, because I am so mean to myself, and it makes her cry, and thats not what I want to do. I tell her I don't mean to do it, but I have to get what I'm thinking out of my head. I would try to tell my dad, but it never goes anywhere positive. My mom always tries to help me, it feels pathetic sometimes, but I just do not care. My coach told me after the game, when we had the partial argument during half time when I spoke up, and he said that it was in the past, telling me that this is how coaches and players are, that we just vent towards each other, and he told me it was in the past, which is just fine. I'de like to be able to do that with my dad, but the past is never the past, the past always comes up every fucking time, and I just can't deal with it. I just really have to pass these classes, I'll hate myself if I don't.