Anxious and depressed lately.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ellie Grey, Nov 2, 2013.

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  1. Ellie Grey

    Ellie Grey Well-Known Member

    I've had a lot of things said about my physical appearance. When I was really young I had a certain look, people would tell my mother/father that I should be a model, they were nearly always strangers. It dwindled at about 10 years old and that was when I hit puberty because I had a hormone inbalance. Whilst most girls my age were small, weaker than me typically, thinner, and they hadn't developed any proper hair on their body anywhere, I did. I was taller than my teachers when I was 9-10, I had started developing facial hair (as you can see from my name I'm female) and whilst I originally started my menstrual cycles just before my 11th birthday, I've only had about 8 natural periods in my life in the last 4-5 years.
    I have fertility problems. Even as a child I never wanted to marry or have kids, and I still don't feel like I would want a biological child. I've had a lot of adults laugh at this because they think I will change my mind, and I've been thinking about if I ever did want children.
    I was told whilst it wasn't inpossible, it was quite unlikely. Currently I'm pretty sure there is no treatment for it, and I may always be struggling to have children. At the minute it's not really an issue, and I really should just put it out of my mind until I may consider having children, but I just can't stop thinking about it. A part of me feels like a failure for this.
    Because of the physical symptoms as I said above I get so much hair, I hate it. I try and get rid of the facial hair but I still am left at times with tiny stray hairs, or sometimes it's patchy. It's been noticed by idiots at school a few times and left me in tears every time it's noticed. I was punched, strangled and thrown into a bus shelter once and swore and laughed at by a older group of kids when I was 11 because they noticed it. A boy in my class noticed it a few days ago, which has made me even more upset about it because he's said offensive things to me before. I walked out of school, hid behind a car and cried for about 20 minutes before I walked back in.
    My weight. I used to be underweight, but I gained so much weight and I can't control it. I have eating issues and find it difficult to eat normally, meaning I tend to eat just a bit of bread or cereal every day. I try and do exercise but usually I'm exhausted and I tend to sleep a lot, I still do it, it's just not often enough to lose weight. The kid who noticed the hair the other day comments on my weight. I want to explain that the reason I'm overweight isn't solely down to my diet (my diet is poor but I rarely ever overeat, I undereat mostly) and I have hormone issues, but I know he'd just make fun of me more.
    I'm so self conscious. My weight is being commented on. I have a couple relatives who won't buy me certain foods because it "encourages my weight gain." I keep getting told to have braces over and over, and I'm getting told if I don't I'll regret it. My teeth are perfectly straight besides 1 slightly crooked tooth, even the dentist said I probably don't need braces.
    My facial hair rarely gets commented on by my family thank goodness, but I get the brunt of that from people I meet in real life. My arms are scarred and they're only now beginning to turn silver 8 months later, they're still raised and ridged and painful at times to touch, but occasionally because my family are so observant they notice it. One of my relatives grabbed my arm and said if I didn't stop I'd be put into a psychiatric ward.

    I've never really been vain. I don't care about what anyone looks like but I feel like everyone around me is obsessed with how I must look. I wish I could just be accepted and left alone, but I'm too self conscious about it. I know it's petty, I should be concentrating on school and my studies but I'm always almost in tears every time I leave the house and have to be near people. Makeup is the only reason why I feel able to leave the house, without it I'd be a nervous wreck. I end up missing most of my classes because I'm sitting in the bathroom crying because of how self conscious and scared I am. To just get through the day without crying I take a lot of prescription painkillers as soon as I get to school so I'm too groggy to be able to function clearly. I know what I'm doing is dangerous as I don't eat properly, and I've started getting intense stomach pains every day from this, I just feel too anxious to get up in the morning and face the world otherwise.
    I really really don't know what to do anymore. I tried counselling and it never really helped. I've been diagnosed with having severe social anxiety (or something along those lines) but I was pretty much refused help after that.
    After writing this I feel bad as it's so trivial, but I really do need advice.
  2. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Hun, it's not trivial, it a huge thing that affected your live. You need help :( I'm sorry I'm late to reply, I read this a while ago, but I don't know what to say, but I can't leave you for long. I feel your pain. I'm sorry, I hope your family can accept you for who you are. You have a friend here that wouldn't care about your looks. I know how it feels to be self conscious because I too are too self conscious about myself. I don't really understand about the hair, but I know some people have have hair all over their body. Maybe it is bad in where you live, I don't really understand, but I know it is very painful for you.

    How about your mom and dad? Are they being supportive? I hope they do, parents should help their child no matter what :( But there are bad parents as well.

    I'm here if you need someone to talk ok?
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I too think you need to reach out to the councilor again and talk ok Your parents get them to talk to your doctor and see how to control your hormones with meds get regulated
    Lazer treatment to get rid of facial hair that is bothering you The people that are harming you report them to police get them charged with bullying get it stopped hun
    lots of caring people here so keep reaching out ok I am sorry you are suffering so hugs
  4. Ai To Hikari

    Ai To Hikari Active Member

    Hello Ellie Grey :)

    That’s very interesting. I think there is probably allot your condition can teach people about DNA and hormones, and how they can easily change.

    I support your decision to keep away from the child business. - It should give you allot more time to develop in other areas.

    I do understand how the fertility issue can make you feel like a failure. Don’t let it! It is an inner enemy to overcome, and I believe you are strong enough to win the fight.

    Now, the actions of the bullies at school are indeed un-called for, but think about this: Your physical condition has unveiled the issues of some people at your school that where once previously hidden! know their conditions are far worse than yours!

    They have great insecurities but they know it not. The only way they can cope is by bullying others. It's sad, but the only way they can take steps to overcome their own issues is to admit they have the problem.

    Other people may judge you for your weight issue, but I do not. Like I said before, these problems we have in our lives create mountains to overcome. When we make progress in controlling certain issues it gives us great satisfaction.

    Live has many flavors!

    From those who judge you, there is a hidden message. It can make you a far better person then you ever imagined. When we observe this behavior, we learn how to NOT be the judge!

    Ai To Hikari
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