I'm brilliant after midnight. That is if I am not having a total meltdown. Tonight I came dangerously close again. I keep doing things for people trying to be the good guy and unselfish. My moms been depressed so I opted out of a party to stay in and make her dinner, rented this movie she wanted. She kept calling and saying she would be home soon and finally at 11:15 she was like oh well I am staying at my bf's tonight. Fine, whateves. I am just sitting here with a home made pizza, drinking tea and trying to quiet the demons fighting to get out. I thought about having a joint and crashing but I am home alone tonight and I think I am going to have a full fledged panic attack any minute. I took one of those little blue pills earlier. Not helping, I still feel like there is someone with their hand in my chest squeezing my lungs and heart. It's hard to breath and I am kind of spazzing out. Time for another pill. Listening to, Girl from the North County originally by Bob Dylan but redone by Lions. Good song. Someone talk me down please... I am so sick of being a nutcase.