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Anxious,depressed and angry!

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by GoldenPsych, Feb 12, 2008.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I have had time to think about what happened the other night. Everytime I look at my arm I feel sick and disgusted at myself but at the same time it reminds me of the relief I felt while I was sat on the toilet floor at the hospital trying to kill myself by cutting my arm. Just thinking about the blood and relief makes me want to do it again. It felt so good. So I now have stitches in my arm and it is bandaged up. I told everyone who i know that i fel on to dishwasher and knife sliced open my arm. What they dont know is that I kept pressing harder and harder hoping i would find an artery.

    I was taken to the hospital as of an overdose i had taken. I was frustrated that what I took didnt have any effect. The paramedic left me in a public area and i started having bit of a panic attack. I din;t think anyone saw me go. I was in toilet and after about 10minutes someone was knocking at door. I said i was fine but they opened door anyway. I only agreed to go with the nurse on basis that I didnt have to sit with everyone else as was getting really paranoid about it.

    Anyway that is what happened, a medical dr saw me asked if was an attempt to kill my self, i said yes. He asked if it would happen again... i said well i didnt really answer it as i was angry. I just said that if I say no it prob wouldnt be being honest but I wasnt going to say yes as i didnt wanna be in hospital under MHA. So he said i was playing games etc. He asked if i still felt suicidal and I said yeh and then he asked if they let me go home would i do anything, i didnt say yes and i didnt saiy no. I just said that I didn'thave the means to do anything at home! So he stitched my arm and off I went.

    So I am still feeling really wound up, really anxious and so down at the same time. I dont really know what to do!
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Hi friend, why are you so scared to accept help; whether from the hospital, your b-friend, or the family doctor? I can't believe he said you were playing games; I was told by the both my nurse and the psych that I "wasn't taking this seriously" 'cos I was cracking jokes about my recent attempt, and although I was super-pissed at the time, in retrospect I think they had a point. (Still... I'm a joker and always will be... nobody can steal that from me).

    So, back to my question. What would it take for you to accept help?

  3. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I am doing what I can to get it but I am not getting anywhere. The Psychiatrist I saw has turfed me back to doc as is only crisis care at the hospital like 2 apointments or whatever. I have a counsellor who I see about once every 3 weeks but hoping that will become more regular. At the moment she is only at the surgery once a week but it is moving up to 4 days a week so she said will prob be weekly. But that wont be for another month or so. My next apointment is 3rd March. I go to see someone about the alcohol I drink but that is about the alcohol not anything else. I dont know what more I can do really. Going back to doc in 2 weeks so maybe the psych will have written to him by then.
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    I know you are doing your best.... I don't mean to come across in a mean way. Thing is, truthfully, how many attempts in the last month? I know I've read about at least two trips to the emergency room, and I've only been on SF a few weeks. So that's at least two serious attempts, and many more nights you've spent praying for the pain to end and seeing only one solution.

    I was doing what you are... waiting patiently for my counselling appt which was to be the end of March. But my mental health deteriorated rapidly over the space of two weeks... one attempt, more depression and anxiety, and then I freaked and stayed awake for 5 days... and by the end of the week I was so distressed tried to stab myself... I don't say this to freak you out (although it sure freaked ME out)... but to say that your needs are important, and are on a different timetable than March 3rd.

    For now you are scared but soon you might want to try again. And it saddens me 'cos you don't need to make another attempt in order to get some help.

    I understand the fear of being in the hospital, but it might be the best place until you feel safer. Sure, the psychs are obnoxious, the patients weird, the food stinks but it's just about keeping you alive until the desire to survive this comes back to you. Just consider it?

  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't think they would keep me in anyway. I think they just see it as coping strategy. I know what you are saying though. There has been 2x passed out drunk and ended up in hospital, 2 od's i think... I am not sure and when i have cut aswell and that is since Jan 1st. Last yr I went to hospital about 12times through alcohol, cutting or overdoses. There were 4 OD's last yr - I was kept in a medical ward for 3 nights 4 days one time and just overnight the other time on a medical ward. I was also in overnight beginning of Jan as passed out in a club. I have cut down on what I am drinking as I know it wont make me feel better in long run.

    I did see this one social worker who I really liked back in Sept and Oct when I took the OD that landed me in 3 nights and I really liked him. I saw him 4 times in total but I was told by the other SW at the hospital in the Psychological Medicine (DPM) that he was off work indefinatly and for unforseeable future he wouldnt be back. I really liked him and could talk to him but dont talk to anyone else really. Maybe I should print off the posts that I have put on here and post them to the counsellor or doctor so that he can read them as I find it easier to pour my heart out and say how I really feel as dont feel judged on here or when writing things down.

    I have major problems with trust that I dont like talking to people about things. I seem to be able to trust men more so than women which people find weird as I am a woman my self. I see a male Dr.

    Things are going great between me and my bloke so dont want to risk or ruin that relationship we have at the moment. It is nice to feel so loved and have someone other than family who actually wants to socialise with me and spend time with me.

    One thing that bothers me is I can't bear (or bare - dunno which one) for my family to know how i am feeling as all I will get is just get over yourself or them be constantly breathing down my neck which would be horrible as I value my space and privacy. It would also be something that would be thrown back at me weeks or years down the line and would be used against me so there is no way I want family to find out what is really going on. So one thing that really scares me about being totally honest is that I will have to go in to hospital and would be in for a long time as I do seriously worry about my own mental health and not just being depressed or anxiety problems. I am scarde that they would keep me in and that way people would need to find out. To be honest I would rather be dead than have to put up with family if they found out.

    Maybe I am over reacting bout it all I dont know - being a psychology student I have done work on institutions - Rosenhall "Being Sane in Insane Places" is one that stands out to me. Basically these Sane people went into psychiatric care saying they were hearing voices etc so they could be held under MHA - when they were in the hospital they didn't show any of the symptoms etc (as they weren't there originally) and even they were eheld against their own will for a few days and their hospital notes were looked at it was noted all their behaviour and how it pointed to a mental illness that required intervention. These people were normal people with no mental illness but the place they were in made them do things outside their normal personality.

    It suprises me how much Psychology I actually know - lol - not bad to say I dont pay attention to anything.
  6. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    At least I managed not to cut last night.
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    And now I am really craving chocolate. Need to goout and buy cigs but neighbours is about to start... oh what a prediciment i am in.
  8. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    now *that's* a dilemna... too bad you aren't stocked with cigs and chocolate for afternoons like this!


    thanks for sharing your fears of hospitalization. i don't know much about the system there, but is it possible to go in for a stay without being sectioned (or whatever it's called)... that way you'd be free to leave once you start to feel a bit stronger.

    for all of us there's bound to be a bunch of stuff underneath the depression and suicidal feelings, and it sure seems alot to untangle. but i've been so down i figure what do i have to lose at this point. the next step for me is death, so my choices are 1. hang on to my secrets and kill myself or 2. be honest and hope that by being honest i can slowly start to recover. i have nothing else left. i'm exhausted.

    the hospitals here in ireland far prefer outpatient treatment to hospitalization, for all kinds of reason, most of them budgetary. that's okay, 'cos there was no way in hell i was gonna stay. on a practical level i think it is community nurses who keep it all together and they really should rule the world! the nurse assigned to me is kind but forceful, and if i say i'm going to do something she calls to make sure i've done it... which is actually good for me, i do better with being accountable to someone else. she's not a therapist and made that clear, but she's specially trained for mental health work and that's all she does.

    anyhow, hope you had a good afternoon of chocolate and TV. i'm rooting for you from across the pond. keep going, one foot in front of the other. help *is* on the way....

  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Decided to do some notes for uni... lasted about 30mins. But is better than nothing. I'll give it a go later.

    My fear of people finding out is still stronger than going for it. For the time being I am taking what help I can and carry on taking the pills and go to see the counsellor when I can do. I hadnt really thought about why I hadnt been totall honest with everyone. I think what I will do is write to my doc before I go next time so he can read about how I have been feeling. My risk taking behaviour has got worse just little things like not putting my seat belt on, driving too fast just so that if anything happened then it would be a bonus.

    Obviously he knows about the SH and overdoses - although I am not sure if they have seen them as suicide attempts more as a way of self harm. I know I wanted to die when i took the pills. I suppose there is a lot that they are not aware of. I dont feel as though i can bring myself to say anything about it really. It is easy when they have got it there in front of them on paper as they have blood tests so they know what has happened and they know about my depression and anxiety etc but they dont know how I feel inbetween cutting AND when i am going about my normal day to day things. For instance there was a robbery at one of our sister stores and the security guard got attacked. Well i was sort of sad that it wasnt our store that got done over and that i was involved in it all!
  10. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    Hey Golden,

    I've gotta commend you on your last few replies to dazzle on here, it is really good that you have the ability to analyse your situation and think of some ways that might help you in the future - e.g. printing out your posts for your dr to look at. I know that the mental health system does suck at times, and it irritates me beyond belief that the people that need help the most have to fight the hardest to get it at a time when they are in no place to fight at all. So seriously you should pat yourself on the back for taking the time to even think about what may help you.
    I've read quite a few of your posts but i've refrained from replying to them for one reason or another but i can see you are in lots of pain at the moment. I totally agree with dazzle that you do not need to be sectioned to stay in a psych ward, when i was suicidal i was asked if i wanted to stay in the hospital but unfortunately with the way the health system is, and the fact that drs aren't mind readers (no matter if they think they are :rolleyes: ) you do need to ask for help (i did explicitly).
    Now don't get me wrong, asking for help and being truly honest about how we feel is, i believe, is probably the hardest obstacle to overcome when a person is depressed because you don't have the energy to talk, you're afraid that people will not respond how you want them too, there are no words that can explain such horrific pain....tons of reasons. But regretably without talking noone will realise how much pain you are in. Yeh you'd think the cuts and OD's would be pretty much spelling it out for them but unfortunately, people with mental illness are still fighting massive stigma even within the medical arena. I think i read somewhere that you may have possible borderline disorder....well from what i know that is even more stigmatised. The mood swings are horrific, and sometimes we do act out to get attention but that isn't our fault, that is the disorder...and something through therapy we can learn to stabilise. So do not think that you should have to hide anything.
    Obviously i don't know your personal situation but you have to start thinking about getting yourself better as your number one priority. If you feel a stay in hospital will help then do it for yourself, tell your family to back off, or simply ignore them until you feel ready to deal with them again. This isn't selfishness, it is simply you dealing with getting yourself better. And i'm not saying that it will be easy, we both know better than that, but the first step is getting yourself out of this pattern of crisis suicide attempts. At that point you will be in a better place to think and re-evaluate.
    Plus being a final yr uni student myself, uni is as stressful as anything!! So remember your health comes before anything else, uni work is nothing without your health. So if you have to skip a year then do so.
    I know that depression and suicidal thoughts are almost impossible to fight but with the correct help, pushing yourself to the front of the queue, you will have the support that you need and you can get better from this.
    Prehaps annoyingly hopeful for you to hear right now....but also true.
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I have a a letter today from the social worker at the hospital - when my bloke isnt aorund I will put it on here. Made me feel crap in myself. The bf wants to read it but i said not so I have hidden it as goes on about the attempts.
  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    how are you doing today?

  13. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Dunno really. I am not sleeping at the moment. Every time I get stressed I wanna cut and then i look at my arm and remember the immense feeling of letting go when i cut it and makes me feel more anxious and down as makes me wanna cut even more. I know i cant. I was thinking earlier that I am at my bf's tonight and there are enough pills in his draw to take to end it. Well i think they are. Part of me wants to take them now, another part thinks take those ones with me tomorrow and buy more on the way home. I wish she hadnt sent me that letter the social worker that is. She cc'd it to me as a copy of the one she sent to my doc. Sort of triggered me in to eeling worse. Not sure if it as i am so tired. I dont have to get up tomorrpw if i dont sleep tonight I can always get up and come down stairs and chill and kip on couch for a bit.

    I have decided though I am getting rid of one of my counsellors. I cant afford to pay for it. The bills are crippling me as it is without paying for it. I just hope that the counsellor at my gp surgery will get to weekly appts asap as i know i need to go.
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