Hello everyone, i am 21 now and don't know where to start so ill just start, also, Im not very good at expressing myself so sorry if this is a bit hard to read. As far back as I can remember ive been sensitive, anxious and have had depressive episodes. I got some medications in High school but never really helped, ive been on prozac, lexapro, zoloft, wellbutrin, alprazolam, and currently mirtazipine and clonozapam. I have tryed various methods of meditation and prayer to no avail. Ive never been a very popular person, however that fact never bothered me. All throughout JR high and high school i was bullied, ridiculed made to feel ugly, unworthy, and like crap. Day after day i hoped it would end, but it never did, it still haunts me when I try to sleep. The hope of it getting better after I graduated was my only relief. I took a years break to collect myself and try to figure things out, thinking only seemed to make things worse. So I went off to college working on an associates degree in computer maintenance/repair, I was a loner, and everything came screeching to a halt. It got so bad that my parents started to become very worried, I wasn't eating much and crying constantly, so they took me to the hospital and then to a psychiatric hospital. At the time i was considering suicide but never actually did anything, just a thought in the back of my head. I was their for about a week, the people their were really nice and seemed to want to help, and it did help for awhile, moved back in with my parents, i feel like a bum, and now things seem to be getting bad again. Although I dont have an associates degree, I did get into the computer repair business. I thought that this would be my lucky break, that this would make everything alright, but of course, it didnt. Its just same crap day after day, just like everything else. People with thier snide rude comments when im busting my butt trying to help them. I dont know why people dont like me. It just seems they dont, I dont have a girlfriend, couldn't even imagine of having one, dont have any real friends. My parents care a lot about me though and that's probably why I haven't killed myself yet, because I know how it would effect them. I think about suicide as many hours as im awake. I have a plan, and the means to carry out that plan, and I fear I may do it in the near future. I know that my parents do care but if they knew how I felt they probably would help me however im not so sure because I was little my dad would beat me for no apparent reason and my mom would just let him do it with no compassion or anything. They say their sorry for that but I cant help but not believe them and it still bothers me. It this terrible emotional pain that wont go away. Its dragging me down and im tired and burnt out, im sick and tired of life. Im broken, a wreck, dont know if ill ever be a whole confident person like I want to be. I was raised Christian but do not believe in God anymore, at least not their version. im not trying to feel sorry for myself, and I probably am, but its just how I feel. Everything that i have tried is temporary, if it worked at all. From the drugs to "talk therapy". I dont really feel comfortable talking with my parents about this for various reasons, Thanks for listening.