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anxious, depressed, and tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bob R, Jun 7, 2010.

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  1. Bob R

    Bob R New Member

    Hello everyone, i am 21 now and don't know where to start so ill just start,

    also, Im not very good at expressing myself so sorry if this is a bit hard to

    read. As far back as I can remember ive been sensitive, anxious and have

    had depressive episodes. I got some medications in High school but never

    really helped, ive been on prozac, lexapro, zoloft, wellbutrin, alprazolam, and

    currently mirtazipine and clonozapam. I have tryed various methods of

    meditation and prayer to no avail. Ive never been a very popular person,

    however that fact never bothered me. All throughout JR high and high school

    i was bullied, ridiculed made to feel ugly, unworthy, and like crap. Day after

    day i hoped it would end, but it never did, it still haunts me when I try to

    sleep. The hope of it getting better after I graduated was my only relief. I

    took a years break to collect myself and try to figure things out, thinking

    only seemed to make things worse. So I went off to college working on an

    associates degree in computer maintenance/repair, I was a loner, and

    everything came screeching to a halt. It got so bad that my parents started

    to become very worried, I wasn't eating much and crying constantly, so they

    took me to the hospital and then to a psychiatric hospital. At the time i was

    considering suicide but never actually did anything, just a thought in the

    back of my head. I was their for about a week, the people their were really

    nice and seemed to want to help, and it did help for awhile, moved back in

    with my parents, i feel like a bum, and now things seem to be getting bad

    again. Although I dont have an associates degree, I did get into the

    computer repair business. I thought that this would be my lucky break, that

    this would make everything alright, but of course, it didnt. Its just same crap

    day after day, just like everything else. People with thier snide rude

    comments when im busting my butt trying to help them. I dont know why

    people dont like me. It just seems they dont, I dont have a girlfriend,

    couldn't even imagine of having one, dont have any real friends. My parents

    care a lot about me though and that's probably why I haven't killed myself

    yet, because I know how it would effect them. I think about suicide as many

    hours as im awake. I have a plan, and the means to carry out that plan, and

    I fear I may do it in the near future. I know that my parents do care but if

    they knew how I felt they probably would help me however im not so sure

    because I was little my dad would beat me for no apparent reason and my

    mom would just let him do it with no compassion or anything. They say their

    sorry for that but I cant help but not believe them and it still bothers me. It

    this terrible emotional pain that wont go away. Its dragging me down and im

    tired and burnt out, im sick and tired of life. Im broken, a wreck, dont know if

    ill ever be a whole confident person like I want to be. I was raised Christian

    but do not believe in God anymore, at least not their version. im not trying to

    feel sorry for myself, and I probably am, but its just how I feel. Everything

    that i have tried is temporary, if it worked at all. From the drugs to "talk

    therapy". I dont really feel comfortable talking with my parents about this for

    various reasons, Thanks for listening.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    First of all welcome to SF!

    I'm trying to get into computer repair ... I guess more like tech support. And I know what you mean about people with their snide comments when you're trying to help them!

    Maybe talking here will help, being able to connect with people who understand or who have had similar feelings. My PM box is always open if you feel like talking.
  3. Ed.

    Ed. Well-Known Member

    I'm 21 also, dyslexic also so that means I didn't read your post =) However a patch to the bottom, then a patch near the top caught my attention.

    Firstly. STOP THE DRUGS. Serious, prozac et al ever helped anybody.

    Now, after about 2-3 weeks for all that shit to leave your system you are clean and pure, well done, look at yourself naked in the mirror, admire your clean, pure beautiful body, you are you, unique and touch your skin, just touch it, amazing isn't it, how soft it is, how complex you are....

    Now, about your parents. You don't need them, they are stuck in the 1800's. You are you, yeah, they made you, but look at yourself, looks how articulate your body works, get that mirror out, look at how you function, thank your parents for giving you life, do not hate them for being terri-bad parents, cast them away, you don't need them anymore, you are you, you a f*cking wonderful my friend.

    You know computers, and seriously, you really do know computers, imagine a business, imagine 2010, imagine a business in 2010, how dependant is a business on computers in 2010? You have skills my friend, you can make all the clocks run on time.
    Take a look at that mirror, look at yourself, swap that look for a fresh suit, you are Mr I.T. you make the cogs roll round, yes, I mean it, my degree is worthless, you on the otherhand have skills. use them.

    God and girlfriends, do you really need either? again, look in a mirror, a full sized mirror, look at that creation, you are beyond any explanation my friend, you don't need a faith, you don't need women, you are the bomb.

    Women = pain. True, belive me, all you ever need in life is mates, beer, and porno.... oh yes, those complete losers who hand out in empty bars, rotten motels / flats, drinking their sorry lives into unconciousness, they know this, they understand, they are content. But you, you are better than them, I can sense it, in your internet-forum post...

    You have skills my friend, use them, get yourself a job, and if you need qualifications, get them, it may take a few years, but meh, get them. love them.

    You there. Look in the mirror, naked, look at you, smell you, bend, stretch, do whatever to see how comlex you are, and how every m*therf*cker in this world cannot see what you see befoer you, a beautiful human being with life ahead of you. I'm serious, smell yourself, you're an animal just like the rest of us.

    Detach yourself from people who do not makes sense to you. PM me for more advice/ drunkedn drugged up ranting, all i have to say... i bunred out...
  4. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I disagree. Medication can help a great deal.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree meds can help..keep searching till you find one that helps...
    I'm glad you're thinking of your parents because they would be devastated if you killed yourself...
    have you ever had cognitive behaviour therapy?? also assertiveness training is really helpful...
    I hope you'll find the support you need here....take care
  6. Bob R

    Bob R New Member

    Thank you for your responses, ill have to think about a medication change or maby even get off them for awhile. I am feeling better this morning though. Ive looked into CBT before but its hard for me to find a good therapist or pdoc, are their any online resources that could help me find a good one? Anyhow thanks again.
  7. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    My GP pointed me in the right direction. Got anyone who can refer you to someone who is helpful?
  8. Bob R

    Bob R New Member

    Yeah I could get my GP to refer me, never actually crossed my mind for some reason.:unsure:

  9. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    Glad to be of help!
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