I need to thought dump sorry. Anxiety is going to kill me. Everything is fear to me. I just need to say this because it may calm me at least for a little while, like the thoughts get stuck to the page. My job is taking all my strength. I'm scared to move on. I have next to no self confidence. I'm on my own and I don't know how long I can hold out without having a full on breakdown. I'm trapped and isolated. I feel unloved and mental. I can barely function. I can't even commute to and from work without physically shaking. I don't even want to die, I just want a break. I have ridiculous illusions of how to solve my problems like playing the lottery in the literal hope I win so at least I don't have to worry about money and get crushed every time I don't. I want to help people and I can't even help myself. I can't end it all because I can't upset those closest to me. I owe them. I'm becoming reckless and crazy. I have so many thoughts in my head all the time chewing at me. I'm not a bad person. I'm even anxious about how many I's and I'm's are in this post because it looks like all I care about is myself. It's scary because it will take one bad thing to happen and I won't be able to handle all of it. I'm very tired.