Anxious

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by smackh2o, Sep 28, 2016.

  1. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I need to thought dump sorry. Anxiety is going to kill me. Everything is fear to me. I just need to say this because it may calm me at least for a little while, like the thoughts get stuck to the page. My job is taking all my strength. I'm scared to move on. I have next to no self confidence. I'm on my own and I don't know how long I can hold out without having a full on breakdown. I'm trapped and isolated. I feel unloved and mental. I can barely function.
    I can't even commute to and from work without physically shaking. I don't even want to die, I just want a break. I have ridiculous illusions of how to solve my problems like playing the lottery in the literal hope I win so at least I don't have to worry about money and get crushed every time I don't. I want to help people and I can't even help myself. I can't end it all because I can't upset those closest to me. I owe them. I'm becoming reckless and crazy. I have so many thoughts in my head all the time chewing at me. I'm not a bad person. I'm even anxious about how many I's and I'm's are in this post because it looks like all I care about is myself.

    It's scary because it will take one bad thing to happen and I won't be able to handle all of it. I'm very tired.
     
  2. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    What sort of work do you do and how long have you been doing it?
     
  3. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Thanks for replying. I'm in IT and do shift work. Been doing this for 6 years.
     
  4. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    It can take a lot of courage to move on to a new job. If you like the company you work for now maybe there is a different position you could fill to try something slightly less demanding if that is what you want. Have you checked out other companies near where you live that might use someone with your skill set? It might be helpful to look at it this way: you were able to get work 6 years ago with your skills at the time. Now 6 years laters your experience has increased so you should have an easier time finding work you qualify for. I realize that isn't entirely true for IT with its constant new technologies popping up.. but that's something I am telling myself while I am looking for new work too.

    Sorry to hear about your shaking during your commute to work. Do you experience shaking when travelling to other places as well or only your work?
     
  5. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I avoid going to other places. I have about 5 set routes I go and I'm not overly comfortable with some of them. They are all within a small area. The last time I had to go further away I kept having to stop and that journey stayed with me for days in my head afterwards. The first time I had to go to work I panicked the whole time and had an attack before I had to go. I don't feel I can get another job because I can barely concentrate anymore. I have stopped learning much and find it incredibly difficult. I have looked for positions in my area but there are few I am qualified for and the money is no where near what I'm on if I could potentially do them. If it's not my anxiety telling me not to do something it's depression telling me I can't. 6 years ago I was stronger than I am now and I was fragile back then. I know full well I need medical help but I can' take the leap to even get an appointment. The pressure is building and I'm terrified of everything and I need to do something but I know when I put whatever it is in motion there is going to be no stability and all my foundations will come tumbling down.
     
  6. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    Do you think that if you had a job closer to where you live now, or lived closer to work, that would help?
    When you have trouble concentrating at work, is your mind blanking, or is it wandering to other topics/worries ?
     
  7. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    It wanders but it's not just at work its all the time. My job isn't that far away at the moment which is why I can commute even though it gets to me. If it was further ide be worse so yeah I guess distance matters. I think the issue is I feel incapable of achieving anything. The job doesn't help because it sets us up to fail most of the time. Just want to feel like i'm not completely useless. A job change would be nice but to something less stressful.. Just too many problems building up at once. Thank you for your replies, I dont feel like I'm drowining like when I first posted so that's good right!
     
  8. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    That makes me happy to hear you are feeling a little better. You are very welcome! I hope that you can find less stressful work that is more satisfying.
     
    smackh2o likes this.
  9. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Everything you described, I went through as well. I did nothing about it and I ended up severely burning out. Maybe you need to go see a doctor, describe how you're feeling so that you can get paid leave from work (either through the company or the workman's compensation, labour board...whatever is available where you live). After that, maybe you need therapy. I have an acquaintance who took a year off, on anti-depressants and in therapy, and he recovered very well. He learned better coping skills so that he wouldn't have to leave his job. Good luck, I hope you find something to help you.
     
    smackh2o likes this.
  10. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I think I should too. I've done it before. It's just like a brickwall to take that first step. I'm going to try and build up the courage to do it this week and book an appointment. Thanks.
     
    Frances M likes this.
  11. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    You're welcome :) Find strength in knowing you are taking care of your mental, emotional and physical well being. You'd do it for a loved one right? I'm the poster child for what NOT to do when you have growing symptoms of burnout. My heart nearly gave out, all of my internal organs failed me and I was hospitalized for weeks, then the depression, panic and anxiety started...awful. That was nearly 14 years ago and I still can't work, just going to the grocery store stresses me so much that it takes days to recover. I hope you make that appointment.
     
  12. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I will try. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. Believe me I know how easy it is to do the wrong thing in this circumstance! If you ever want to talk please reach out.
     
    Frances M likes this.
  13. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    Wow, I just needed to say thank you I really really did. I managed to talk to my friends about this and they are going to help me to get professional help. I'm stunned at the moment and my head is spinning and I know i'm nowhere near out of the woods but I laughed and I smiled genuinely for the first time in years. It was foreign and felt so very very good. I'm going to speak with them more tomorrow and I honestly thank you and this site for its support.
     
    BarryW and Frances M like this.