I've experienced depression at varying degrees for about 45 years since I was 7. Sometimes it's really bad and I end up having suicidal thoughts and self harming. I last made a suicide attempt over 30 years ago and very nearly succeeded. Since I had my daughter I haven't attempted but the urges are still there - sometimes I think about killing her. I think I had a manic episode a few years ago and a lesser one a year or so ago. Following that I have dipped and really want to die. My GP keeps prescribing meds but has now agreed that I need specialist help. I see a psychiatrist tomorrow for the first time in 30 years and I'm scared. I haven't prepped and l don't know what to expect - last time I got told I was a silly girl. Now I just think I'm a crazy old lady. That silly girl needed help - how can I trust the medics with my life now? Death would be pretty good right now.