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Any advice at all may help!!!!

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Some of you may already know this stuff, but I still need help, so any advice would be helpful, so I'm gonna post again. Thanks

I am really not in a good place right now. So don't take this word for word. I want to end it all and probably will for the last time. This illness is pure HELL!!! I have been diagnosed with BPD, severe social anxiety, major depression, SI(suicide ideation), SIB(self injury behavior), I cut and have for years, PTSD(there is probably some things I haven't remembered). I have absolutely no friends, no family (because they didn't believe that my so called father sexually abused me and it was best to put that drama behind me.) no friendly aquaintenances(if that is spelled correctly), nothing. I moved from Indiana about 12 yrs. ago to Minnesota to be closer to my sister and my niece and nephew who I adore. I've now been committed to the state for the second time. Last year, my niece graduated high school and I fucking missed it because I was in the mental ward. I have never regreted more than that moment. I had previously basically helped raise my niece and nephew. Then I was basically either pushed away or maybe it was just in my head, away. I no longer spend time with them. Maybe an occasional, drop by or quick phone call so they don't call the cops to check up on me. I had a so called career that ended about four years ago. I was in retail management for 13 yrs. and in many of my positions a store manager for many successful companies. I was pretty good at my job or so I thought at the time. I now know that because of my illness I never got along with my supervisors and at that time still had no friends. Because who is going to send the boss home to her so called personal life, I basically worked 80 hours a week. I don't work now because of my illnesses. I had and have no one and that probably kills me the most. I know I am a caring and loving person, I just will never be able to point it in the right direction. Being committed when you are 33 yrs. old is hell. I have a case manager who gets to determine basically rather or not I am "stable" and what I have to do for my illness. I found out last week that she and the hospital I just got out of, thinks I am an attention getter (which I just don't get because I try to hold it together so much), and that ECT, therapy, medication and hospitals (even though when I have gone to the hospital it was because I attempted suicide and I got chicken shit.) don't help me, and that is why I have such confusion on ok, if I can't get help from these outlets, why bother or what am I suppose to do now that I am so suicidal, what am I suppose to do? I always thought that in last resorts I could go to the hospital if it got too bad, I was wrong. I think it bothers me more because I really tried during my last hospital stayto learn as much as I could and be there for the other patients. I know I can be extremely frustrating because I don't say much, I've attempted suicide so many times (27), soon to be the last, also, my SIB can get out of control and I've been hospitalized 15 times in four years. My head never turns off, I am always trying to analyze and figure out this hell. I can't turn it off. I basically, stay in my apartment except for the occasional 15 minute trip to Target to get my prescriptions. My anxiety is so bad that I've had about 10 panic attacks in just the two weeks that I've been home from the hospital. That doesn't include all the panic attacks I had in the hospital because my doctor was a jackass and doesn't believe in anxiety medications. What a dumb fuck, lets just make the patient suffer, that makes so much more sense. I live in constant pain and agony from this illness. I just can't wrap my head around why I, who I feel is intelligent, can't figure this out. I've now tried DBT twice and have to go for the third time because of my case manager. I personally think it is a load of bullshit someone got paid to make up that sounded really good. I am currently in therapy for I couldn't even tell you the number of times, I sit and basically say nothing because I trust no one, and I truely believe my words or thoughts would just get me in more of a difficult situation and I just don't need anymore. I just am so confused. I know there are people who say they can manage the symptoms of this illness, I just can't make it work for me. Sorry, for the rant, I just wish this would end!!!kmj221



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You need another doctor. I've never heard of a psychiatrist who "didn't believe" in anxiety meds. I love my anxiety meds...they work so well!

If possible get a second opinion? I'm not sure if you can do that!

Tried to commit suicide 27 times? I think deep down you just want attention and love!

And I'm her to tell you I LOVE YOU! How can I not love someone who loves pink love me! Haha.

Honestly though.....just hang in there....I am with you in spirit and mind and see about getting another doctor!
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I am supremely sorry that you are still feeling this way, kmj221. What I wouldn't give to be able to help, to relieve the pain & come up with some sound solution for you. I marvel at your ability to battle through all of the disasters so bravely. It even inspires me. As for the doctors who are seeming to give up on you, don't believe them. Just because they are treating you with all the care of a number does not mean that you've got to become one. Don't give up, I know it feels otherwise, but there's hope. You are clearly a strong individual and I admire your courage. I desperately hope that you find some mercy from your nightmare. You deserve better. I apologize for the inability to provide any useful advice. Simply know that I care. -MrB!


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I'm so sorry you are feeling like this Kim. I wish I could wave a magic wand, if only that wand existed!!! I honestly think that you may need a second opinion or to find another psychiatrist. Any doctor that makes you feel like they have given up on you, is not worth having. The PTSD is probably the route cause of many of your diagnosis', and the only way you can truely overcome this is through therapy. Therapy is either hit or miss. You need to find that one therapist you can truely trust and open up completely to otherwise therapy is a waste of time. In the meantime I think you would benefit from anxiety meds, so you can set yourself small goals. Whether that be able to have the strength to go shopping without an anxiety attack, or get yourself a few hours doing voluntary work to keep you occupied. When you are mentally ill, the small triumphs always mean the most and make you feel amazing when you have achieved them.

I think you are shutting yourself away from your family, and it is clear you need them right now. I know it's easy to shut out family members as you don't want to hurt them, but they can also be the key of helping you beat this. They can be your rock and support network if you let it.

I hope things get better for you soon Kim, always thinking of you and I'm always here if you need to talk.

i have a couple of suggestions.

first of all find a new therapist, one you can really talk to. you will never heal from the sexual abuse and ptsd unless you can open up and talk honestly about your past hurts. it will be hard but it will make a huge difference. i have a bunch of diagnoses (bipolar being one of them), but until i started dealing with the sexual abuse i was in and out of the hospitals, constantly self harming, and very, very suicidal all the time.

i also belong to a place called progress place, which is part of this overall organization - http://www.iccd.org/. you go and work there, as many or as few hours as you want. it's for people with mental illness, and is run by the members. it's very life affirming. they accept you for who you are, where you are. if you follow the link you can see if there is a club house near you.

finally, i recommend the icarus project for a new view on mental illness. http://theicarusproject.net/ . from their homepage "The Icarus Project envisions a new culture and language that resonates with our actual experiences of 'mental illness' rather than trying to fit our lives into a conventional framework.

We are a network of people living with and/or affected by experiences that are often diagnosed and labeled as psychiatric conditions. We believe these experiences are mad gifts needing cultivation and care, rather than diseases or disorders. By joining together as individuals and as a community, the intertwined threads of madness, creativity, and collaboration can inspire hope and transformation in an oppressive and damaged world. Participation in The Icarus Project helps us overcome alienation and tap into the true potential that lies between brilliance and madness."

yes you have a mental illness. but the psychiatric angle is not the only reality here. there is our lived experience. that has to count for something. look around their site, there's a forum there, lots of art and writing. perhaps something will resonate for you.

You need another doctor. I've never heard of a psychiatrist who "didn't believe" in anxiety meds. I love my anxiety meds...they work so well!

If possible get a second opinion? I'm not sure if you can do that!

Tried to commit suicide 27 times? I think deep down you just want attention and love!

And I'm her to tell you I LOVE YOU! How can I not love someone who loves pink love me! Haha.

Honestly though.....just hang in there....I am with you in spirit and mind and see about getting another doctor!
I went for my usual appointment with my psychiatrist only to find he was off sick with of all things - stress. I saw another shrink instead.

She told me that I didn't need medication (I'm bipolar) as it was the medication causing the problem. Funnily enough, I had the symptoms before the medication. I didn't need to come off them slowly, I could stop them straight away. She told me that she was against medication for bipolar.

I had been on a large dose of Citalopram for quite awhile. One thing on the leaflet - do not stop Citalopram quickly as it can lead to extreme suicidal thoughts.

Needless to say, I ignored her advice
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