Any advice to ease my mind?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by fircone, Nov 21, 2007.

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  1. fircone

    fircone Member

    Hi Everyone,

    This is my fist post on anything like this but I just feel that I would like some advise so here is my story...

    I lost a family member to suicide last summer, so it's been over a year now.
    She tried it once but it didn't work, I didn't think about it too seriously but I think that's because I wouldn't let myself. 2 weeks last she was gone. She walked out infront of an articulate lorry and she was gone.

    She left behind a family.

    I was obviously upset but felt as though it was wrong to let her family know this. I think I didn't want them to feel guilty. I think about it most days. The things I think about aren't good htings. I think about what went through her mind in the last moments, did she want to stop at any time? What did she look like after?? I know it's horrible but my mind gets carried away.

    Being of a curious nature I looked at sites on the net of suicide death pictures, one was of an "motor" incident and you couldn't recognise the person, would this have been what is was like? As a memeber of our family went to identify the body?

    I just want some answers.. I know I wont get them in this life time.. I feel cheated, that she should have been sectioned after the first attempt for us to fully understand the extent. I feel that as she commited suicide ppl didnt give her the correct send off that she deserved and would have wanted...

    Anyone thinking about suicide should be thinking about these things..

    Thanks for listening, any advise is welcomed or anyone needing advice themselves

  2. I can't say I know how you feel. I've never lost anyone in my family to suicide. at least not that I know of. But I can say that I wish they had done something the first time, but it doesn't always help sometimes it actually makes it easier for a second or third...I've tried several times...a little more extreme than the last.

    I guess all I can say is be glad she is at peace. I honestly don't believe in heaven and hell when it comes to suicide, because if you kill yourself you've already gone thru something you view as anything after that must be heaven...
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I can't speak for any one else but maybe if I share some of my own thoughts with you it can help you better understnd some aspects of suicide. There really is nothing else to think about. But please understand, it is not the person that is making that decision but rather the pain that they are suffering. It takes over your life, your thoughts, your needs everything. And ending it seems the only answer. And as for family and friends. I know through my own experience that I truly believe that I am doing them a favor by realeasing myself and them from my pain. I know there will be negative fallout from my attempted actions but I believe that what I am trying to do will outway what I am putting them through. There is no right or wrong here. It is just how I choose to deal with too much pain. I am not trying to be selfish or hurt others. I never had a place like SF before my 3rd attempt. I never had an oppurtunity to share my pain with others. The suicidal thoughts are not really me. They are the result of the pain and that I have no better coping skills than those. Being hospitalized isn't always the answer. If I feel suicidal, tehn a stay at the hospital isn't going to change that. I need the help to learn better coping skills.
    Please do not torture yourself with the what ifs and whys? Suicidal people do only what they know to do. Very very rarely is it done to get back at someone or someting. It is done as a last resort to rid ourselves of the pain.
    I hope that I haven't offended anyone by this post. I am only trying to share some of my experience to help another maybe better understand the pain and confusion that can cause a person to attempt suicide. Please fircone keep posting here at SF and let others help you with your loss and maybe help you get a better understanding of suicide attempts. We all vary for our reasons but we all share the pain.
  4. fircone

    fircone Member

    Thanks so much for your replies, reading the posts on this forum has helped me a lot, I've never been suicidal but i'm sure i've been on the edge once or twice, I've battled with depression for about 4 years, I had been off anti depressants for about 2 years and three weeks ago I gave in to them again... think I will probably be on them for the rest of my life, there seems to be such a bad vibe around anti depressants and ppl are scared of depressed ppl as if they are scared of what to say how to act etc etc because unless you have been there you will never understand... The reason why i've just wrote that Is that I feel like I of all ppl should have tried to talk to her when I realise she was in trouble.. to say hey your not the only one...
    If anyone is thinking about suicide and wondering how it will effect their family pls ask i'm here to help and to listen.

    When she died there was a lot of anger and the funeral wasnt half of what she deserved... and her name was taboo, would you want that in your family?

    xx x x
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Oh please forgive me for what I am about to say, but I have thought it for so long and never had the opportunity to say it out loud. No I wouldn't want that for my family or friends but I have suffered pain for so long now that I really think I have become indifferent to those others. Not about them personally but their pain. I have been shown repeatedly that the pain a person is suffering really isn't important to others. So I just try to shut off the thoughts of what it would do to others. That is how it seems everyone else deals with my pain. But I still believe that I can help and feel for others here because the understand the "common" (for a lack of a better word) pain that we share here. It is different here than on the outside. We are looking for some sort of help here and we can find it without it being thrown back in our faces or having others judge us becuase of it. Outside that seems to be a quality that they have forgotten or lost. Ok now I'm rambling. Sorry. But you asked and I really wanted to speak up for I have never had a chnace to on that one before ( and it is something that I have been feeling for a long time). Thanks so much for giving me that chance.
  6. fircone

    fircone Member

    Thank you so much for speaking up, I'm glad you've done it and what you said has made me think... ppls lack of understanding creates a huge problem, they become angry at the person for feeling this way and not responding to the "help" that they are offering, mybe I don't have any right to say this.. but I just feel so helpless, I want to help others but am I right in thinking that most of the time ppl live with these feelings their whole lives? Unless they to put it bluntly commit suicide? I just want to understand more and this site is really helping me do that,

    It's so great to speak out and not feel that you're saying the wrong things or asking stupid questions

    x x x
  7. fircone

    fircone Member

    God i've just read your post again... it's just brought tears to my eyes...all everyone has ever talked about is the last two weeks of her life... what about the years before that when she was in so much pain?? So basically would I want her back in all that pain just so that my family could be happy that she's alive... I can't believe it's been over a year and I've never though this way.. I'm now thinking i'm not sad she did what she did but sad she lived the last years of her live in so much pain... I understand completely. Thank you x x x x
  8. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    And I still see it as sad as to what she did. She may of done what she felt she needed to do. But I find it sad that she or any of us feel we had or have only that choice. I don't know anything about her situation or whether she was receiving any professional help. From personal experience I don't get much "help" from the professionals. But I always seem to get the most help from support groups and this forum. It seems that when you are sharing your pain with others that are going through them too there is a greater understanding and more is accomplished. If I may make a suggestion. Do not try so hard to understand your friend at the end. If she was suffering from depression or some other mental health issue or illness, it was not your friend but rather her health that pushed her to her final decison. Try to dwell on the happy memories and all the time you had to spend with her. It is a much better place for both you and her memory to be. It is honorable that you are trying to see things through her perspective but I'm sure she wouldn't want you doing this and wasting so much energy on it. Try using your experience to help others here and maybe do it as a "memorial' for your friend. Then her death will not of been in vain, it will help keep others from the same fate. You are a great person to have as a friend. You are loyal and passionate. I think your friend saw those qualities in you and choose to be with you because of them. Start living and sharing with members that need your support here. I'm sure with your personality and wanting to help you will make new friends here very easily. Take care and please feel free to pm me any time you need to chat. I find you very refreshing.
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