I'm sorry for the way that this post is worded. I don't mean to offend anybody. Please just know that the words in this post have come directly from my thoughts and feelings on the matter. I wrote what I was thinking at the time and didn't edit anything. This is a legitimate post. (Written after the bulk of the post). ^^^^^^ I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts / feelings. I can't express anything the way that I want to. I find it very hard to speak to my friends. I find it almost impossible to speak to people that I've never met before. I beat myself up because I know that I should have the ability to speak to people. I see strangers talking to each other all the time, and they have no problem doing so. I see colours and patterns and when I try to explain what these things mean to me I am ridiculed and told to be quiet. I don't understand what the normal way to deal with these feelings is. My conscience refuses me social interaction. I'm not illiterate, I'm not handicapped, I don't take drugs, I have been properly educated, I simply can't find the words to say in any given situation. I'm a 20 year old, with no known medical conditions or ailments or physical problems, (bar being slightly overweight, SLIGHTLY). I weigh a tad over 200lbs and I'm 5"12(ish). I've known of these feelings as far back as I can remember and thought them to be perfectly normal. As far as I was aware, I was a normal human being with regular thoughts and understandable worries. I've been unemployed for 5/6 months now. I used to work as an internet support technician. Now I spend my days browsing the net / drinking. I drink, on average, 1L+ Vodka / (any spirits I can get) per night. I'm not bragging here, in fact I'm almost certain, (without reading any other post on this website), that a majority of the users here also drink. I just hope that somebody in a similar situation can give me their thoughts on this matter. I made this post because I've been thinking about this for a long time. I'm completely lost and I have no idea what I'm doing. The only constant in my life is knowing that I have the option to end my own life on my own terms at any moment in time. I tried speaking to one of my best friends the other night, and although he was wonderful, and listened to every word I said, I know that he thought I was talking utter fluff. Tears seem to mean nothing these days, even coming from a well built fully grown adult. I have tried this with the majority of my close friend group, and as most of you will probably know, nobody listens properly or understand what you're trying to put across. Emotions are thrown around far too liberally these days, and the people who really need help are overlooked. For those of you who are looking for something to comment on, yes, I have planned everything out, and I think about ending my life, every hour of every day. No, I don't have a real reason to do so, in fact, some might call me a coward, but I can't help what I feel. I can't explain how I feel, I'm me, I'm not you, I'm not anybody else. People around me are experiencing success while I'm sitting in my room thinking my own thoughts. I know that I'll never live up to any expectations. My life has been on a downward spiral since I became aware of my own thoughts and feelings. I did visit a doctor, once, when I was 15. These feelings has just started to take hold and I was confused and couldn't understand why I differed from other children at my age. At first I thought that I might be suffering from Bipolar disorder, due to medical records that I found that indicated my father had it. I abandoned this idea when I realised that I wasn't having regular mood swings or bouts of depression. I looked at how the rest of the children were acting and realised that I wasn't the same. I think I've been constantly depressed for the majority of my life. I find the inaccessibility of this website irritating. I had to go through a host of confirmations before I was even allowed to post in certain parts of the board. If I had been having serious urges tonight, and decided to try this website as my last line of help, I'd have been gone by now. I know the feeling of helplessness. I understand the thoughts of those who wish they had somebody to talk to. I know what it feels like to wish you had a friend; one that could listen to you and give advice based on personal experience. If you want to be seriously effective and help people in a real time of crisis, you need to remove limitations, memberships and restrictions. (Sorry for the rant, just thought I'd throw it out there). Thank you for reading this, (if you did). I just want to speak to people with the same mind-set. Thank you for listening.