Any advice would be appreciated. :-)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SCB, Aug 16, 2011.

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  1. SCB

    SCB New Member

    I'm sorry for the way that this post is worded. I don't mean to offend anybody. Please just know that the words in this post have come directly from my thoughts and feelings on the matter. I wrote what I was thinking at the time and didn't edit anything. This is a legitimate post.

    (Written after the bulk of the post). ^^^^^^

    I find it difficult to articulate my thoughts / feelings. I can't express anything the way that I want to.

    I find it very hard to speak to my friends. I find it almost impossible to speak to people that I've never met before. I beat myself up because I know that I should have the ability to speak to people. I see strangers talking to each other all the time, and they have no problem doing so.

    I see colours and patterns and when I try to explain what these things mean to me I am ridiculed and told to be quiet. I don't understand what the normal way to deal with these feelings is.

    My conscience refuses me social interaction. I'm not illiterate, I'm not handicapped, I don't take drugs, I have been properly educated, I simply can't find the words to say in any given situation.

    I'm a 20 year old, with no known medical conditions or ailments or physical problems, (bar being slightly overweight, SLIGHTLY). I weigh a tad over 200lbs and I'm 5"12(ish).

    I've known of these feelings as far back as I can remember and thought them to be perfectly normal. As far as I was aware, I was a normal human being with regular thoughts and understandable worries.

    I've been unemployed for 5/6 months now. I used to work as an internet support technician. Now I spend my days browsing the net / drinking.

    I drink, on average, 1L+ Vodka / (any spirits I can get) per night. I'm not bragging here, in fact I'm almost certain, (without reading any other post on this website), that a majority of the users here also drink. I just hope that somebody in a similar situation can give me their thoughts on this matter.

    I made this post because I've been thinking about this for a long time. I'm completely lost and I have no idea what I'm doing. The only constant in my life is knowing that I have the option to end my own life on my own terms at any moment in time.

    I tried speaking to one of my best friends the other night, and although he was wonderful, and listened to every word I said, I know that he thought I was talking utter fluff. Tears seem to mean nothing these days, even coming from a well built fully grown adult. I have tried this with the majority of my close friend group, and as most of you will probably know, nobody listens properly or understand what you're trying to put across.

    Emotions are thrown around far too liberally these days, and the people who really need help are overlooked.

    For those of you who are looking for something to comment on, yes, I have planned everything out, and I think about ending my life, every hour of every day. No, I don't have a real reason to do so, in fact, some might call me a coward, but I can't help what I feel. I can't explain how I feel, I'm me, I'm not you, I'm not anybody else.

    People around me are experiencing success while I'm sitting in my room thinking my own thoughts. I know that I'll never live up to any expectations. My life has been on a downward spiral since I became aware of my own thoughts and feelings.

    I did visit a doctor, once, when I was 15. These feelings has just started to take hold and I was confused and couldn't understand why I differed from other children at my age. At first I thought that I might be suffering from Bipolar disorder, due to medical records that I found that indicated my father had it. I abandoned this idea when I realised that I wasn't having regular mood swings or bouts of depression. I looked at how the rest of the children were acting and realised that I wasn't the same. I think I've been constantly depressed for the majority of my life.

    I find the inaccessibility of this website irritating. I had to go through a host of confirmations before I was even allowed to post in certain parts of the board.

    If I had been having serious urges tonight, and decided to try this website as my last line of help, I'd have been gone by now. I know the feeling of helplessness. I understand the thoughts of those who wish they had somebody to talk to. I know what it feels like to wish you had a friend; one that could listen to you and give advice based on personal experience. If you want to be seriously effective and help people in a real time of crisis, you need to remove limitations, memberships and restrictions.

    (Sorry for the rant, just thought I'd throw it out there).

    Thank you for reading this, (if you did).

    I just want to speak to people with the same mind-set.

    Thank you for listening.
  2. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    Whilst I don't have the same mindset (anymore) I am more than happy to listen.

    I shall tactfully disagree with your last point re memberships but that's a discussion for another day.

    Have you sought medical advice on this in the recent past?

    On friends not listening: I don't think emotions are thrown around too liberally - it's not so much that people in need are overlooked as I see it - more that people don't know what to do when faced with a person in that situation.
  3. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    Hiya SCB,

    Welcome to the forum. The pictures and patterns you mention,,, are they visual or in your mind,,, just thought id ask.
    i see everything in pictures and patterns, it sometimes helps me to make sense of things and sometimes confuses the fuck out of me.
    Jobs are getting harder and harder to come by, have you thought about doing any voluntary work, just to get you out and keep things going for a resume for any jobs that may come along? just throwing it out there....

    Hummm,,,a bottle of vodka a night,, sounds familiar,,, although my drink of choice was southerncomfort, vodka made me cry all the time and gave me a bad head, southerncomfort made me fall asleep without dreams, which for me is a good thing. I got my motorbike license, thats what made me stop drinking. i wanted to go out when the roads where clear at daft am and blast down the road at stupid speeds, cant do that drunk!!!! so i dont really bother at all now. I tend to drink enough tea to keep me up going to the loo all night though!

    Talking to people face to face about how you feel can be hard,,, have you tried seeking out an anonymous councilor? i dont know you will gt mixed feelings about that and ive had some experiences, but for some it really helps.

    We have a members diary here where you can post or a private one if you want to vent, sometimes putting things down in black and white can help you clear your mind, regardless of how it looks on paper/screen.

    I hope that you are doing well and taking care of yourself.....

    feel free to PM me if you want to xx Amy
  4. SCB

    SCB New Member

    I want to thank you guys for being so caring.

    If it isn't too awkward, I'd like to admit to tearing up when I read your replies. You probably know the feeling of loneliness, to a certain extent, and if so, I expect that you know what it was like when you finally had somebody reply to you in a way that didn't make you feel embarrassed or even worse than before.

    Thanks guys, you've given a hopeless man a reason to stick around for a while.

    I've yet to seek any advice on this matter actually. I have a serious, (self diagnosed, of course), social anxiety disorder, and I'm unable to do simple things, like book a doctors appointment. My lack of confidence has ruined potential relationships in the past too.

    The former goes for pretty much everything in my life. I grew up on the internet, and I'm lucky to have the friends that I do in the real world. My understanding of social norms is terrible.

    I don't have the education for a decent job, therefore I "choose" to stay unemployed. I don't think I've made a new friend since the start of secondary education.

    The friends that I do have are either REALLY good friends, (3/4), or just people that I'm forced to hang around with, (with great difficulty), because my good friends have actual lives.

    I feel like I'm faking almost every aspect of my life, and have been doing so for quite some time.
  5. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Sure - people are crying the blues over trivial things - many would elbow you out of the way when you DO have something VERY important and profound to relate to someone.

    So first off - I KNOW how that feels - to have lots of friends and family but no way can you open up.

    I've spoken to people but said very little - only one or two close loved ones I have spoke to face to face.

    I've said more here - I can admit that I feel like dying sometimes, but I'm not going to share this with my male friends - I don't know - it seems pointless really - for me at least.

    But you can just talk and that helps.

    As for the 1L of vodka a night - I've been there but not for long.

    You get used to it - drinking - a few weeks and we'd all be on 1L a night and maybe a few cans to quench the thirst as vodka does not quench a thirst - its just the best alcohol to drink in a subtle manner - I mean taste wise its mixed with anything - and pop goes the weasel!

    Well Vodka really got to me - made into the very annoying drunk at a party syndrome - infantile stuff really - plus it affected my guitar playing.

    And if you do go out vodka does make you make bad choices with woman.

    If you get it right - its sheer luck! But for me - a bottle of vodka - wow, my morals would be so low at that point.

    As for the rest of what you say - its very articulate and like I say depression and feeling like dying is a deeply personal profound thing to share with anyone. You got to pick the right person for sure.

    But - whilst it is deep and profound it is not like you have a unique thing going on in your head.

    I do wonder when you say you see colours? There may be a medical complaint there - but any kind of hallucination and the fact you drink 1L of vodka - it may be linked.

    If you saw this before drinking - do say.

    As for the job - my heart goes to you - its bad not working! A man feels less than a man - sometimes - but we cannot think that way! We got to take stick of things - maybe get re-educated or start your own little business up.

    Plus we always need people who are technicians - these computers do not fix themselves!! And you can get paid well just for rebooting these servers and office systems most of the time - right?

    Anyhow - you got to cut down the drinking - that amount will kill you - and will do damage you will feel in 5-10 years - I mean, 1L of vodka a day will really mess with mental health because your system is being poisoned every night - and tries to recover but is subject to the same attack the next night.

    Hope you can stop the booze - it is NO GOOD for depression.

    Opening up here is a good thing. You done well - and maybe this first post is going to help you see the problem in perspective.

    You seem an intelligent guy - single maybe? I guess if you have a woman who lets you do a 1L bottle of vodka in each night - she is the wrong one 100%

    A good woman would obviously leave!

    A bad one - fills your glass and tell you the world was ****

    Anyhow SCB - no need to apologise over your posts wording - it is very articulate - you are a man who would be good company to drink with I'm sure - and our collective intelligence would draw people to us!

    So thanks for sharing brother - welcome to the forum and hope you get to know a few of us as time goes on and you maybe add a bit more water to that vodka with a plan to actually just water!

    Clean yourself out! Give it a fe weeks you will be a LOT better I assure you.

    And save money also!!

    Best of luck - my good wishes and prayers,
  6. SCB

    SCB New Member

    I'm sorry for posting in the same thread, I just wanted to thank Peacelovingguy and Abjure-(Amy) for the posts. I wouldn't like to be ignored either, so, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you both for the words of encouragement and the thoughts etc.



    I started applying for jobs and got in touch with an old friend yesturday. It's a start at least.

    Thanks guys.
  7. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I just saw this post because of your update...I hope you continue to move forward and we are here should you want/need support to do so...continued success and please let us know how you are doing...J
  8. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Welcome at SCB,

    A lot of the emotional stuff is hard to sort to begin with. So it seems you are doing pretty good so far. Its hard to find somebody to communicate our feelings, even our close ones, not because they are bad people, but because they also have their issues to deal with and add to this there is no magic bullet, nothing they can say which will make everything alright in an instant. I have found that choosing your moment and choosing the person helps a lot. I have you thought of starting a diary to begin to sort through your emotions? By clarifying things for yourself first, it makes it easier than to discuss with others. Again, welcome to SF and I hope you'll find the community supportive.
  9. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the articulate post SCB and the thanks also buddy!

    My mate is far more overweight than you - but always gets the girl!

    And good luck with work - it will come eventually - hopefully not with a ski mask on!

    Things we do for money!
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