Any alcoholics among us?

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Jump, Dec 20, 2007.

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  1. Jump

    Jump Member

    Hi there just want to share my alcoholism with you. I started drinking heavily after my mum died, which was 5 years ago. I see alcohol as my 'medication'. I have tried anti-depressants but they have some weird side effects, at least with me. So beer and wine takes their place. In the last 3 years I have drunk every day(maby a few days off here and there)

    I realize this is a problem so I have been trying to go 1 day drinking 1 day not, but usually forget to not drink or drink anyway. I'm drunk now:tongue:

    I don't want to stop and think it will be impossible to stop:sad:

    Anyone else wants to say something about their alcoholism/addictions please do:wink:
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    That is a never endin cycle. Don't get trapped. visit AA. Don't take too long like I did.
  3. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I drink too much wine too often and hate myself for it. I want to stop but feel powerless to stop. I wish I'd never started drinking. I'm an alcoholic and hate myself for my weakness and addiction.:sad::sad:
  4. Panther

    Panther Well-Known Member

    My question I guess is .. what would happen if I gave you a magic wand to stop drinking, would you take it or not? I can't relate to an alcohol problem really but I used to use religion as a crutch .. then that all fell by the wayside and I went through hell for 6 months but pulled through and now far better. My guess is if you gave up alcohol then life might be hell for a while, although I can't be sure.
  5. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    yes if you gave me a magic wand to stop drinking I would take it no matter what the consequences. I want to stop drinking but feel powerless to stop. I woke up too early this morning and to quell the nervousness and anxiety I got drunk. It's nine am here and I"m ready to go back to bed and "sleep it off". what a loser.:sad:
  6. I'll add my 2 cents - and some correspondence I just started with someone who is bravely battling with their own realization (I'll share only my portion of course). May help, may not - but it's my [personal] experience...

    * * *

    Whether it helps or not, I have felt very much like you feel. ALL of it! Without going into detail too much as we all have our own...

    'Course you can't truly step into my universe, nor can I into yours. I'll tell you though, I was literally drinking to die. I HATED being sober, was terrified, couldn't conceive of ever possibly drinking enough, daylong into night. I HATED this life, I hated MY life... I hated myself.

    Drinking, no matter what anyone told me about how to beat it, or that I was strong, was and is to me a "chicken or egg" thing. Suffering leads to wanting to escape in the worst way. Depression takes over and leads to that wish. And drinking adds to depression. It's a Catch-22. And I KNOW very well why I was depressed. And both drinking and depression, as I try to explain to others, are due to life experiences one can no longer cope with and not just a few [physical] chemicals in the brain that go awry... To me it is not merely a physical thing, but very much also a metaphysical thing...

    Also, addiction (the wish and craving to "self-medicate") is something that some people are indeed more prone to than others - it can even very much also be hereditary (in the physical realm). So stop beating yourself up. And bloody hell - do I know THAT'S easier said than done (seemingly quite impossible).

    I had people around me who cared, and who were watching me die. I didn't care. They couldn't possibly understand my wish to complete the deed. But my counsellor (this being my third attempt at sobriety this year) got me into a program outside the city called "Concurrent Disorders" for people dealing with multiple issues - mine being alcoholism and depression - both severe. I cannot possibly describe how utterly terrified I was when I went in to the psychiatric ward - for the third time this year. But I was there for a month and a half (voluntarily) - helped me through withdrawal, and all staff there on that small ward, including the phychiatrist, were very caring, understanding, and helpful, physically, mentally, as well emotionally. I have been sober for 12weeks now.

    That being said, I tried many different avenues which I did NOT find helpful personally, including a program at a place called Withdrawal Management (a bullshit organization - to me). AA I found to be a load of crap too (though I know it does in fact help some). It simply wasn't for me. The very hard thing is that when you're already most depressed and dealing with addiction, you're at the very bottom, yet it is up to you to find the energy to find resources and supports around you - it's a LOT of work. It's a process (and a duanting one) So is healing - from the trauma of your life, as well as seeing yourself as a complete failure in no longer being able to cope with anything. I've said far more than enough I think - I'll let you digest what you choose.

    But again, I say that beating yourself up is very much part of the battle. My heart goes out to you...

    * * *

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX -- it's just that I still feel very unsure of my own self - I'm well aware of my own weakness... And I'm not gonna hand you any trite lines about not giving up hope, because I know what it is to fall. To fall hard, over and over again. It feels like being buried alive. And as I said I don't know why I'm still alive...

    I feel for you though, I really do. Ideally it would be better to get away and be able to focus and concentrate totally on yourself - cause you're facing a helluva battle dear. But I know that may not be possible when you're SO between a rock and a hard place in your life, as you described. Have you tried phoning a crisis line - they may be able to provide you with other resources/agencies/groups that might be able to help you in your own capacity, more specifically in your particular circumstances. And I might add that while AA wasn't for me, it might be for you and I suggest you try them on for size - Unfortunately the process of seeking help is one of trial and error - however I do encourage you in this - to find something you feel would "fit".

    I know you feel very much alone - saying you're NOT won't sink in and do any immediate good, no matter how true it may be. It's STILL your journey! You - living inside your own skin, inside your own universe.

    I'll add though that it takes a lot of courage to admit you are lost and need help. That's a good first step, though I know personally how very hard it is...

    Again, I feel for you (for what it's worth...)

    * * *

    (I feel for all of you...)
  7. Also wanted to add that I've been drinking since I was 15 - the math's not hard - I just turned 46. While I was in the hospital this last time, they did tests and established (somewhat miraculously I suppose) that my liver damage doesn't go as far as Cirrhosis, but I do have fatty tissue deposits, which is one step above the organ completely shutting down. Though alcohol affects all organs, the liver is THE most resilient one in the body and CAN heal given time...

    If you have a 'good' doctor that you trust and feel you can share this demon (alchoholism) with, I suggest that you ask for this test to be done - it's as simple a process as a blood sample taken - and while this may not help everyone get a "reality check", it could be a 'motivator' for some. (When it comes to addiction, I believe one size does not fit all...)
  8. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    "Any alcoholics among us?"

    *raises hand* :smile:

    Sober now going on 12 years, though!

    I was in the "worst classification" of alcoholism, too. Had my many times with hell on Earth. Many times wanting and trying to stop.

    Bottomline: During the 10 worst years I drank, tried to stay sober, and "slipped," I also would crawl to Alcoholics Anonymous, tail between my legs and all that. Something happened when I turned 30. Was able to stop and stay stopped. Ironically enough, when I kicked the addiction, I had begun to lose interest in the whole AA approach.

    Look, guard yourself from the ritualistic practices of AA before you go in all the way. Embracing "powerlessness" and searching for "defects of character" simply not work for me, and Lord knows I tried. I was dying. I was "willing" as they say.

    But it might be for you and has been for many.

    I'm here for if you've further thoughts or questions. :smile:


    Oh! One thing I must ask. You said, "I realize this is a problem." Why? In what ways? Talk to me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 2, 2008
  9. ToHelp ---AWESOME achievement - realizing it sounds like an utterly impossible feat to someone who is still struggling, not to mention that having an addictive personality is part of ones [psychological] tapestry/make-up and can cause relapse (as you endured)... But good on ya mate!

    I thought I'd post the 12 steps (which are copyright of course, but I copied and pasted anyway). I, personally, had trouble with quite a number of them as well, but again, as you too also said, it might indeed 'fit' someone else...

    AA Steps (*suggested)

    1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

    2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

    3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

    4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

    5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

    6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

    7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

    8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

    9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

    10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

    11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

    12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

    (in fact, the only one of these I could even partially digest/apply/relate to was the first one)
  10. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    lol.... Thx, FAL1
  11. rojomi

    rojomi Banned Member

    No offense to the folks who AA has helped/ saved, but there ARE other methods out there that don't depend upon committing your life to another crutch,(ie AA), and have a high rate of success. While AA claims the highest rate of success in "curing" alcoholism, it's not factual. The organization is based on anonymity, thus the real numbers claimed are not factual. Nor do they document relapse, other than return to AA, thus there is no way to make accurate statistics about the success of AA.
    Also, the term 'alcoholic' is no longer used medically, at least by medical pros who stay current. It's been replaced by alcohol use descriptions which are a little more accurate-abuse, dependence,heavy-moderate-regular, daily, etc.
    There are lots of books on the subject which deal with users who abused the drug, abstained for a period of 6 mos. or more, then resumed social or moderate drinking patterns, never to abuse the drug again. The success rate for this type of drinker is documented, and has a far better rate of success than AA's all or nothing approach. Which unfortunately results in stigma, acting-out binges resulting in return to rehab, AA and so on.
    Just my 2 cents, for what it's worth. Granted, some people should NEVER drink, but hey, it's legal & in moderation?
  12. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Rational Recovery, "The SMART Program"... many others theses days. Here is a great page to examine, as well.

    AA literature claims no such thing, and I should know, from 10 years in the program lol.

    However rojomi: You are correct in that it is statistically impossible to track rates of success because of (of course) its inherent anonymity.

    It does work for a great many people--and that, we shouldn't deny either.

    Legality and moderation are pretty much irrelevant to the person with a real alcohol problem, and abstainance remains the surest, safest approach to those who have experienced severe problems with it in the past.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2008
  13. Hmmm...checked out the link you provided ToHelp - insightful & informative as well as encouraging. But I beg to differ with a couple of things they inferred/stated - that by reading their page you might as easily be able to quit drinking (that's quite a claim! I don't think I took it out of context). Also "drinking is not a disease" - for I have been told by several sources (and believed it formerly) that it it is now actually characterized as a disease (could be a minor point, but may alleviate that terrible and often inevitable guilt/shame factor associated with "defects of character" as in AA's 12 steps).

    That said, it did remind me some of a form of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). It sounds intimidating and rather clinical. But it helped me, through the process of recognizing specifically and understanding in depth, the many factors, in many categories, that "triggered" me (and my solution was ALWAYS drinking) as well as assessing, just as in depth, alternative solutions/behavior to modify and reduce, if not eliminate my (once ultimate) reaction (drinking) to those triggers. Given, it is a lot of work, searching soul, mind and circumstances as well as personal history - but I found it the most worthwhile (and practical) in all the things I looked at. lol - just MY experience. (I wish I could copy the pages I worked on but they're all scribbled full...!)

    ...Also agreed with that particular site in that that detox "programs" -withdrawal management, which I had tried - are nothing more than AA with another name. That is, if looking for different alternatives - they are not one. My outreach worker agrees with me that addressing, assessing, & treating addiction is ideally tailored to the individual...(sadly, not always - commonly - available to everyone)

    Thanks for posting those 'alternatives'...
  14. voices_inmy_head

    voices_inmy_head Well-Known Member

    I havnt had a drink in two days and am finding it tough, I want to reach for the bottle but am stopping myself. I dont know how long it will last but I am trying.
  15. My friend dumped my bottle down the drain before I got home from the hospital last time...Do you feel strong enough in the moment to do the same?
  16. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member


    I once had a sponsor tell me, fresh out of rehab, that that first week would be all down to will power and nothing more. One may take well to AA and embrace a higher power, Jesus Christ, or their doorknob--but getting sober is TOUGH and their is no magic to it.

    I am only acknowledging your pain, as I know it intimately. But believe me friend, "how long it will last" is entirely up to you.

    FAL1, alcoholic addiction (alcoholsm)--like any other addection is only a real medical "disease" in the loosest sense of the word. As the popular radio show host Dr. Dean Edell has said on many occasions, no other desease in medicine can sustain if the addict does not feed it. It's an addiction.

    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2008
  17. sarahg

    sarahg Well-Known Member

    hi all im an alcoholic since i was 15-now 37. i didnt realise i had a problem till it with other factors sent me to a breakdown.i worked every day didnt drink in mornings so silly me thought i was ok.till i had to stop coz of medication for was hard and have fallen of wagon many times but it wont beat me.the funny thing is i am finding myself again like friends i choose to be with not just those in a pub,like eating properly and notquick pub meals,even what i like to do-i hadnt gone to the cinema for years coz pubs were my life.i dont think i made a sober desicion since i was 14.aa wasnt for me but thro doctors and work and dont laugh gym i am getting there. i wish i had the answers to stop butif anyone wants to pm me we all can support each other.wishing u all the
  18. "aa wasnt for me but thro doctors and work and dont laugh gym i am getting there. i wish i had the answers to stop butif anyone wants to pm me we all can support each other.wishing u all the"

    Good on you Sarah! And that you're still engaged in the (mindful) battle, that you've found alternatives that "help", is encouraging to others...
  19. "FAL1, alcoholic addiction (alcoholsm)--like any other addection is only a real medical "disease" in the loosest sense of the word. As the popular radio show host Dr. Dean Edell has said on many occasions, no other desease in medicine can sustain if the addict does not feed it. It's an addiction.


    You say tomāto, I say tomăto :wink:

    We're not the only ones engaged in the ongoing debate (I googled the question "Is Alcoholism a Disease")

    Hope "Voices" is ok...(please share more Voices)
  20. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I've seen the effects that alcohol addiction can have on a family. My uncle is an alcoholic and has been since he got married. His alcoholism cost his poor family their business, their house, their dignity and a lot more. His two daughters want nothing to do with him now and his son is moving in that direction too. Please guys, alcoholism is not the answer to your problems. It will just make things worse than they already are.
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