Any Day Now

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LonerForever, Apr 25, 2011.

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  1. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    Sorry for creating yet another thread. I feel like I'm using everyone :(

    The past few days have been a living nightmare.

    I've realised that three years after she died, I still blame myself for the death of my Nana. She was the only member of my family I felt comfortable telling anything to. I knew without a doubt that she loved me and I would spend a lot of time visiting her. Then one day she fell and needed to go into hospital. She started getting better but then she caught a hospital infection. It was touch and go but she started pulling through. Then, out of nowhere, the eldest of my Nana's children decided to sign the forms to withdraw treatment even though she was getting better. I was in shock and didn't say anything to stop them. The one person who cared and I just stood there watching her slowly die. During the last few days they moved her to a care home. The last time I saw her she wasn't the Nana I knew and loved anymore. Her skin was a paper thin yellow and her eyes were sunken into her head. She could barely talk. I had to leave early I was so upset while the idiots who signed the forms sat there with smiles pretending everything was alright. After she died I found out she asked my Mum if she had done something wrong to me. The next time I saw her she was lying in a coffin in the chapel of rest. Why didn't I do anything. Why couldn't I save the only person who gave a shit whether I lived or died. Why why why why why why why.

    This in combination with the stuff I've talked about in my other posts has pushed me to the edge. I've been crying pretty much non stop and after a quick count I've added over 30 new scars to my body. Before I used to be able to control the cutting but now I've just completely lost the will to do so. I've been doing it more and more and deeper and deeper. I'm screaming inside my head but theres only the echo of my own suffering. I need to die and now.
     
  2. lostbutnotfound

    lostbutnotfound Well-Known Member

    Hi LF,
    Please don't apologize for creating threads. This is a support forum, and you need to be supported right now. You have a right to be heard, and if this helps you in any way then it is worth it.

    I'm so sorry about what happened to your Nana. As you said she was the closest member of your family to you, and I can't imagine the pain you have gone through, and still are going through. I know you might not believe me, but you are not to blame for your Nana's death. As you said, you were in shock, and you were hurting. Is it possible that the people who signed the forms withdrawing treatment were told anything at the time that you weren't aware of? Maybe this was the kindest thing for her? I know you said she was getting better, but at times looks can be deceiving. It's just a thought any way. Your Nana wouldn't want you to feel this way. She wouldn't want to be the cause of your suffering, hon. You did your best. You loved her. And she knew that. Now it's time, with time and support, to try and move on. If not for you, than for her.

    I can hear clearly how much you are hurting right now LF. And I wish I had the magic answer, but all you can do is keep fighting on. Talk to people, let them know what is going on for you. Are you on any medication? That might be something to consider if you aren't, and even if you are they can be adjusted.

    Please keep fighting. Keep posting here and letting us know what is going on for you. If it all gets too intense, too much, please consider phoning a crisis hotline, or going to hospital. No matter how difficult it seems, you need to keep yourself safe.

    :hug:
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that things have been so difficult for you. I hope that something good can come into your life that will turn things around

    I think that your Nana really loved you. I think that she would want you to get better and be happy if you could be

    I'm wishing for good things to come to you, and if there is any justice in the world, they will

    :hug: :hug: :hug:
     
  4. LonerForever

    LonerForever Well-Known Member

    I've managed to hold on till now, but only because of someone very close to me. In the dark of it all she was the light that kept me going... Now she wants to end it herself :/ I thought the help I was providing her was meaning something but I'm failing her. How can you save the one you love the most in the entire universe when they don't want to be saved? I feel so powerless. I've just sat crying for the past hour, scared that I'm going to start seeing posts of "RIP" across the internet for my sweetheart.

    My hands are covered in my own blood and I still can't stop. Why does God want to take away everyone I hold most dear? You took my friends, all of my grandparents, and now you're destroying my last hope. Bring it on.
     
  5. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    wow, this is an incredibly difficult situation. Dealing with your own struggles has been so hard, but having this crisis too must be so tough.

    I think that you can never really save anyone, you can only try to help people who want to save themselves.

    Talking to a counselor might be a good idea

    your friend would probably be suicidal weather you met her or not. For both of you, knowing each other has probably been something very positive and special.

    you may not be able to talk her out of killing herself, but you've given her a great gift simply by knowing her

    maybe if she knew how difficult it would be for you would make her reconsider?

    I don't think that god is to blame here. surely if there is a god who is good, he loves you and wants things to be better for you

    I hope that you can get through this and that we can support you through your crisis!
     
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