Sorry for creating yet another thread. I feel like I'm using everyone The past few days have been a living nightmare. I've realised that three years after she died, I still blame myself for the death of my Nana. She was the only member of my family I felt comfortable telling anything to. I knew without a doubt that she loved me and I would spend a lot of time visiting her. Then one day she fell and needed to go into hospital. She started getting better but then she caught a hospital infection. It was touch and go but she started pulling through. Then, out of nowhere, the eldest of my Nana's children decided to sign the forms to withdraw treatment even though she was getting better. I was in shock and didn't say anything to stop them. The one person who cared and I just stood there watching her slowly die. During the last few days they moved her to a care home. The last time I saw her she wasn't the Nana I knew and loved anymore. Her skin was a paper thin yellow and her eyes were sunken into her head. She could barely talk. I had to leave early I was so upset while the idiots who signed the forms sat there with smiles pretending everything was alright. After she died I found out she asked my Mum if she had done something wrong to me. The next time I saw her she was lying in a coffin in the chapel of rest. Why didn't I do anything. Why couldn't I save the only person who gave a shit whether I lived or died. Why why why why why why why. This in combination with the stuff I've talked about in my other posts has pushed me to the edge. I've been crying pretty much non stop and after a quick count I've added over 30 new scars to my body. Before I used to be able to control the cutting but now I've just completely lost the will to do so. I've been doing it more and more and deeper and deeper. I'm screaming inside my head but theres only the echo of my own suffering. I need to die and now.