Any help on abuse addiction? *very triggering*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by feathers, Apr 18, 2012.

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  1. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    Okay, so I have an alter that is addicted to abuse. She begs my boyfriend to rape her (wait until she is genuinely saying no and then force her to have sex - she gets extremely distressed during but she can't seem to stop asking for it). I don't seem to be able to find any help or advice anywhere on the internet, searches for abuse addiction just comes back with substance abuse addiction or other irrelevant things. It's not only sexual either, she also likes being physically abused, both in and out of sexual situations. Does anyone know any websites or have anything to suggest about this? I can't find anything, anywhere about it.

    Kaz x
  2. mira

    mira Member

    One of me, a voiceless small one, was like this too, 'wanting' to self harm and self abuse via sex. it was only when I , primary in a system of 14, ended up 'in front' I started seeing the word 'want' for what it really was adn what it wasn't.

    I found that even though the desire was from her being, the word "want" to her was a defence mechanism. To her presented initially to mean that it was "better to want it than to live in fear of it happening."

    At first, I looked at the impression of emotions and thoughts that came with this desire.
    I learned they were basicaly saying that if she 'wanted it' and it happened, she could or would be able to control her reactions to it and ultimately, if she wanted it, she could/would then be able to blame herself for it and continue the cycle of 'wanting it'. Essentialy, feeding the addiction...perpetuating the desire.

    I didnt stop there though. I instinictivly kenw it was more than just an addiciton born fo self will or rebelliousness, and so I felt compelled to look at underlying causes. I listened to my inner knowing.

    When I continued to press for more awareness, I found that in an odd sense, she was doing this in order to ensure she would take full responsibility for the act if it should occur, as oposed to putting that accountability and responsibility on to her attacker where it rightly belonged.

    Her 'want' of rape made her not just complicit in the act but it made her the predator. She was in this sense, premptivly protecting her potential rapist for what she thought were her own desires born from her inherrent evilness. ( just as she was told they were)

    Rather than think her/us mad or sick..and going against all advice from internal and external others, I decided to let go my own fear of her and just listen to her. In doing so I learned quietly, that this pattern was stemming from the terror, she had experienced in childhood, but had never been able to express at the time. It stemmed not from a fear of what might happen to her, but the abuses and attacks she'd already experienced, events that I had no idea about at all.

    More importantly, I learnt later that these desires she ultimately coudnt control, were a response to the grooming and programming she had taken on via her attackers actions and their manipulations of her reality. She had 'believed them'....that belief in their words cemented their control of her.
    By their actions and words, and via her powerless at the time of the attacks not just physically but mentally be unable to challenge what they were saying (she was raped long before she even had a vocabulary or knew what the word sex meant), they had literally 'programed' her this way...their ongoing actions continued to groom her to respond this protect THEM.

    They had literaly turned her in on herself..*made* and kept her powerless in just this way. Kept her perpeptuating the original abuse and the mechanism of her grooming kept them in control of her....long after they were gone.

    (I so woke up the concept and abuse of the words "orginal sin" after becoming aware of this!!)

    Anway, in listening to her, I started to see that these old beliefs and the awarnesss she was gaining through being alive and evolving, were colliding with each other and a dissonance ( being torn in two) was being formed not just in her but in us as a whole as well. Being the one to 'come to' with cuts and after sex etc..I was becoming increasingly depressed and angry and feeling powerless too as a result of these events which to me were entirely unconscious actions and led me to wanting to hate whatever was causing it - her.

    After deciding to learn instead of hate, I found that while she may have been acting out unconsiocusly in the begining, at this time we connected, and rather than just acting out on impulses and urges like an angry beast, she was in fact very much aware of this programming and its cycles. It was in fact she who informed me of their currents and energies and so..alerted me to their presence in us.

    Even though she ( adn so we by proxy) was still subject to the often overwhelming desires, her impressions told me that she was inside me, trying her level best to help herself and she was using the self harm she was desiring and doing as a tool - much like we use the drug rittlan/speed to paradoxically slow down hyper kids. She knew she couldnt stop it, so she was using it.

    I learned that she was in fact trying to reach a critical mass in the desire itself, and so, she thought, she would be able to overcome it altogether and so, one day be free of the malignant desire altogether. She wasnt trying to 'hurt me' she was actualy trying to save me...from her.

    When I noted that she would go quiet for long periods after abusing herself and us this way, I started to 'get it' a smoker having a cigarette she had been overcome or unable to stop herself from 'apeasing' the addiction for a while, but having that desire 'quiet' she was also able to use her energies to examine the process and try to figure out how to manage the variables to 'overcome' not just the cravings but the entire 'need' to do it period.
    So I joined her in that effort to understand as much as I was able to.

    Sadly what happened to us before I or she could put it all together and find a different way than the critical mass theory she had been working on, was that we were violated, we were really raped again, and worse, we were fully conscious of the event as it coccured. As we were at that time, unable to disscociate owing to psych meds and so, being 'locked in' and undefended, we bore its consequences fully conscious.
    It was terror beyond our comprehension an event that shattered all of us into space..and yes it took some time to re-member ourself.

    It was that event though, the 'ultimate' critical mass, that broke down any lingering illusion or "groomed in" premise of the nature of the word 'want' in us.
    We learned painfully, collectivly and completely, that there simply is and was no way to control or command terror, no way to avoid it, no safe places to hide from it, and we could only to ride it out and not act in it...knowing hoping believing wishing that even terror too, would end/pass eventually.

    Many years after this time, I was also able to see and show us all the many similar 'false' truths and false beliefs she/we held adn have worked on those but this issue was a cataclyst. While she did not accept all of what I learned, one or two were meaningful to her as I felt her relax and sleep a while...something she hadnt done for nearly 10 years.

    Since that rape, no more 'wants' of rape have come...that cycle appears broken...its source and its lies are now too revealed and so they are unable to decieve us fully anymore. A quiet wisdom replaces it and prevails even when the desire arises as it still does from time to ripples on water from the original impact.

    Other 'wants' of a similar nature have arisen since then, so I know she is awake again. As much as I can 'with her', given I dont really know her or even whats she looks like, I make time to examine these 'wants' as they come, as I am the one best able to being more obejective than subject to the forces, and when I do have a realisation, I meditate to share with all within who will listen when I see what the fear is and its nature and associated paradoxes if they exist.

    One by one..were working our way through the deciet and pain and misbelief.

    As she is the one that bore for us all these things..who spared us its direct affect, we feel we owe it to her not to judge or hurt her, ignore or dismiss her...we owe this effort to her. In overcoming, we have had to experience many of the memories she held, experience many of the attacks, but they are as sad sick movies to us, not direct experiences and so, in this way I know her much better today adn am able to honour her and not hate her for what came after. She still only talks in emotional impulses and pictures but thats rush...especialy as we have chosen not to integrate.

    We parent each other a lot like this today. We make it a consensus as much as we can that we dont judge the actions or the words of any of us in distress and dont always assume words or actions are what they immediately seem to be.

    Sorry if this is a bit heavy..I havent leant 'keep it simple' on this issue yet....and I caveat all the above by saying, this is what we know of us..what I did and what we have done to survive to has lead me to healing many things but might get you hurt if you step the same please, accept yourself.


    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2012
  3. feathers

    feathers Well-Known Member

    I'm very aware that DID is usually caused by childhood abuse, I've known this since even before I knew I had alters. The problem is actually getting to the memories that caused my DID, because no matter what I try, I can't discover what caused my alters... None of us has conscious memories... Because my alters don't have memories does that mean there isn't any? Because it's supposed to be that the alters have the memories and not me - even my alter who has this rape addiction doesn't have any memories... I don't know where to go from here, I feel like I am stuck at this spot in my recovery and I can't move on and can't heal any further. If you have any suggestions on how to uncover such memories I would be very grateful.

    Kaz x
  4. mira

    mira Member


    I am not comfortable suggesting you try to uncover memories on your own.....compartmentalisation is a very tricky minefield at the best of times, even tricker for people with any form of mutiplicity. Were others have "one flower in the mind pot that has many petals of personality" and so, memory has only one central core or stream, many multiples ( assuming you are a person with multiplicity too) tend to have many flowers and associated personality we have many memory cores and streams and that can mean things can get very complicated very quick if they arent structured well and guided by a mature primary or an informed aware guide person.

    For me the affect of the behaviours was unavoidable, life threatening and memory bleed through had already begun, so the need to do work was intense and immediate. I just couldnt wait the 6 weeks to go see a barely qualified councellor person who would have no idea what the hell I was talking about anyway. It was do or die. Having the memories bleeding in also meant that for me the journey much simpler than it might be for you, in that , like a diver going to big depths, there was already a guide rope between me and the alter in crisis, directly experiencing the memories, a guide rope she had formed but I hadnt noticed until she allowed it to be seen and felt.

    This guide rope acted like a link..but also allowed for a cognitive seperation between us that allowed me not to be overwhelmed by the memories when they came. Its like watching a car wreck as you drive by as oposed to being in the drivers seat. Without that seperation, I'd have been lost..or psychotic very fast. It is a very very very huge shock to learn things you've not been conscious of..flips the world and twists it...and doing that alone..even a big big risk. I did 'attempt' at least twice along the way such were the fears and pressures and in hindsight I ought to have had a guide outside to help but I was too angry fearful and untrusting....and never found the right person who 'got it' to help.

    Importantly..I had already been practicing mindfulness techniques to learn to deal with these 'weird' urges and drives, a long time before my alt made contact and we were able to work together. So I had a set of 'tools' to use when I was hit with the paradoxes and thoughts and feelings..I wasnt unarmed going in. These tools saved me on many occasions from making big blunders. I wable to focus on the patterns and what they wre telling me, not the emotion of the memories themselves, and literally 'work through' the knots as oposed to getting " personally" tied up in them. ( That sounds odd even to me but that is how it was)

    Knowing mindfullness is a very gentle process maybe you can use that to start working with what you do know, use it to intervene or at least exert your conscious will within your others patterns and do some self care, and just see what happens?

    Here's a link to ACT, a self led mindfullness therapy that helped me healing and dealing with the addiction.

    I found this useful as I could do it/practice the techniques by myself with minimal risk....while there are many people offing ACT is was designed to be a self led tool as well.

    The phrase "absence of evidence is not evidence of absence" might apply to you, regarding the memory situation, it might not. I do know that " Recovered" memories dont have a very good rap..not even with me and I dont suggest going for a dig or push on the whole memory issue..certainly not unaided. If there is a hidden alt that bore the brunt of an event and you and your co-horts are only experiencing her will need help to get through that.

    Imo...I think it might be more realistic to 'allow' whatever comes to come..and accepting what your feeling, just work on what's immediate to you..whats most important right here and now. But I am not you..and can feel the frustration..I just dont know what else to say as Im not a Pdoc.

    If you do start experiencing any bleed through between alters though, Psychotherapies based around primal wound healing rather than behaviour containment ( which I now know can feel like punishment and blame the victim to an injured or suffering alt) could be useful..even if no memories ever come.

    In the end, my biggest helpers were an almost brutal self honesty and patient listening..loads of writing..Love..self acceptance and then honest action.
    Sounds too simple worked tho.

    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 19, 2012
  5. Jeserai

    Jeserai Well-Known Member

    Really recognize what you write. Pffff. I've an alter that prostitutes herself. I, myself, hate sex.
    Do you have a therapist with who you can talk about this? I've learned that this alter who prostitutes herself has a whole different selfimage than I do. She thinks she is made to be abused, that that is here destiny, that is why she excists to be used by men. And that's the point where I can work about it with my therapist. My therapist can talk to her about why she thinks this way about herself and why the way she thinks is wrong, how it should be. Change her mind, change her way of thinking about herself.
    Maybe you can talk about that? What is behind this way of acting, why you -an alter of you- wants to be abused.
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