Any hope left for me?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by maroof, Jun 28, 2011.

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  1. maroof

    maroof Member

    I had an arranged marriage at the age of 27 to a girl from India. She had mental problems and she lied about her condition before marriage. Once myself and my family found out about her we decided to divorce her. I had spent $20 k on the wedding and also had to pay that **** $10 K compensation otherwise she would not sign the divorce papers.

    My family persuaded me to remarry again 4 years later to a doctor girl in an arranged marriage format. I didnt get to see that girl before the wedding but saw a few of her photos. She looked just ok in the photos and so I agreed to get married thinking atleast she wont be a xxxxx On the wedding day I saw her for the first time and thought what the **** have I done again? She was pig ugly and I thought how did I manage to make such a ****** up mistake? Why the **** did i decide to marry her without seeing her first. I tell you why its cos my parents pressured me to get married cos they thought if i get married I would be settled.
    I could not consummate my marriage as I do not find her remotely attractive. She basically looks like a man. She must be one of the few people on earth that looks even uglier wearing make up. She and i have nothing in common either. Ive been married for 8 months now and applying for her visa into UK. I am totally ******* depressed. Divorce this time will be difficult. I sought the advice of a solicitor and she told me that it would cost me $40 K in alimony. Ive already spent $15 K on this wedding. Its not just all about the money; this divorce will cause her a lot of pain (as its not her fault she is ugly), her family and my family are very close due to previous marriages between the two families and it would bugger up that good long relationship and I will be the cause of it. Its difficult for Indian women to remarry and my ugly wife despite her being a doctor may not be able to remarry and I will be seen as being responsible for it.
    I am feeling well ****** off with life. I had everything; good job, house, car and now its all ****** up.
    It will be difficult for me to remarry again (cos I will be divorced twice) and I dont think I will bother. Arranged marriages have screwed me over totally twice really hard that I am totally fed up with life.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2011
  2. ELLIEANDMONKEY

    ELLIEANDMONKEY Well-Known Member

    It was you who made the mistake of marrying this "ugly" girl.

    So let me ask you this....is she attracted to you? If it ends up you are both not attracted to each other then perhaps you can come to a mutual understanding and get a divorce BUT be civil about it. Or stay married and save up the alimony you will owe her.

    However if she is attracted to you then you have to let her know this is not going to work and end up getting a divorce. It may cost you but your happiness is worth it.

    AND NO MORE ARRANGED MARRIAGES. You are supposed to marry someone for love and no other reason!

    It seems to me you will have financial and monetary loss but you can earn that again in time. Even get a second job if you have to.

    But don't stay with someone you don't love. It's not fair to her.

    And also a thought even though I hate to say it...perhaps she might be interested in plastic surgery? I of course think inner beauty is more important than outer beauty but human nature dictates otherwise quite often.
     
  3. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Why don't you just try having sex with her and see what happens? She might be awesome in bed and that will make up for her looks. Or just close your eyes. I'm sure she still feels good. The attraction might grow once you associate good feelings with being with her. I suggest this because I once fell in love with someone I didn't think was very physically attractive. I really loved his personality so I slept with him. At first I closed my eyes and pretended he was someone else but then something strange happened. He started seeming more and more attractive to me the more I slept with him. I mean I still knew objectively that he wasn't physically cute but I didn't care anymore because I was subjectively sexually attracted to him. Does that make sense?
     
  4. papasmurph

    papasmurph New Member

    Just my 10 cents:

    Why are you at all so eager to marry (and re-marry)?

    What function does that have for you? Is it expected of you? Status? Constant companionship? Cleaning lady :)?

    You can have a social and sexual life without being married.

    And if you can't cook and clean, get started on that too. It's good for you.

    Sorry for sounding harsh. I'm just trying to make you see it from a different perspective.

    Cheers
     
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :clap: I appluad your honesty. The fact that you can be so very honest shows there is more hope than you can see. So once again, cheers on the honesty :clap:

    So... what is there left to do? Well... have you ever thought about just being honest with her? Tell her everything you have told us. Tell her that you are not sexually attracted to her. That you believe that a good healthy sex life is a very important part of a marriage. What is the worst that could happen? She wants to divorcie you?

    There are plenty of other routes to take. Maybe have an affair with a woman you attracted too. That way you can get all your sexual frustration out of your system. I think that is what is really holding you back. You want to have sex, but cannot. All the chemicals in your brain that tell you to have sex cloud your judgement of people. Maybe with a clearer head you will find you have more in common.

    I can understand how being a part of a culture where arragned marriages can be hard. I personally find them to be relics from a long time ago when we had to force people to stay together. You can always divorce her. With two divorces under your belt. You can tell your parents to piss off when they come to you with the next arranged marriage. They clearly cannot choose mates for you.

    You need to stop focusing on everyone else and focus on yourself. Who the fuck cares if everyone else is happy? I know that when I am miserable and suicidal... well... I could care less that people around me are happy. Stop focusing so much on the lives you are not living. Start focusing on your life.
     
  6. maroof

    maroof Member

    Thanks you guys for reading my post and suggesting ideas. Today I am not feeling so angry.

    @Ellieandthemonkey. She told me she finds me attractive. Dont mean to sound so conceited but i am not a bad looking guy. Ive had a lot of no strings attached relationships with very attractive women so maybe its karma that Ive ended up with such an ugly looking wife.
    Yes I may suggest plastic surgery to her and see how she takes it.

    @wastingawayagain. Thanks for the tip. I will try and close my eyes when I am trying to have sex with her to see if it helps.

    @Forgottonman. Yes I am shamed to admit that I have slept with some escorts since my marriage. I am a man and I needed sex. Unfortunately although it felt very good while I was having sex with them I felt so bad afterwards. Its probably a bit like taking drugs. You get a massive low following a high.

    Here is my plan (please let me know what you think:)
    Bring my wife into the UK and give the relationship a try. I dont know maybe she will grow on me. Help her become a qualified doctor here which will take about 3-4 years. After that if things dont work out we can divorce. At least if she is working as a doctor here she stands a better chance of remarrying.
     
  7. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :dry: Well I guess you are taking the higher road... however... you seem to really be treating her as if she is some kind of vehicle. Doing your best not to damage the car so you can upgrade later. I don't know, do you plan on telling her the truth? Or is she blissfully happpy and you do not want to wreck that?
     
  8. ELLIEANDMONKEY

    ELLIEANDMONKEY Well-Known Member

    3-4 years is a long time to be unhappy. You can give it a try.

    Try to see her inner beauty. Try hard.
     
  9. maroof

    maroof Member

    Although I havent told my wife anything about being unhappy she is only too well aware that all is not well in our relationship and that I am unhappy with my choice of spouse. My solicitor advised me to divorce her ASAP to keep my cost of alimony down. Unfortunately, Ive got no choice but to bring her into the UK and give the marriage a try. I am doing on moral grounds as well as it being the socially most acceptable thing to be doing.
    Lets see how things pan out. I may learn to love her for other reasons.
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well I am with your lawyer on this one friend. As far as I know alimony is based on the lifestyle you live. Getting divorced now will ensure that your alimony will end before it gets too expensive. Also keep in mind that whatever debts you put your name on will haunt you as well. Becoming a doctor is not cheap. If she has not already secured financing for medical school, before you married her. Those debts will now become your debts. Then again you could always be the lower-income in this marriage. Then alimony will be paid to you.... just a thought as well.

    Can I ask, what has your wife done to fix your relationship? It sounds to me like she is just waiting for you to divorce her. Please do not be sucked in by the generic TV stereotype about ugly girls either friend. Just because they are physically repulsive does not mean they are beautiful on the inside. Be careful friend, if you cannot catch a glimpse of her inner beauty after a year. I doubt you will ever see it.
     
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