any ideas?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by molotov, Jan 22, 2010.

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  1. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    i dunno how well i can articulate this right now, sorry.

    the process is like
    1) feel suicidal,
    2) start fantasizing about methods,
    3) start thinking about calling a crisis center, or getting myself to a hospital or something,
    4) realize just how many different people would have to be informed if i were to be unavailable for work/school/relationship/music/blahblahblahresponsibilitiesblah, either due to an attempt or just being locked up for my own good, so to speak
    5) realize that my language schools would almost certainly just stop giving me work, and my private students would stop wanting lessons from me, if they were to find out through a psychiatric hospital that i was unavailable for work because i was suicidal, because i am a freelancer and thus have zero job security and have enough of a reputation as "well-meaning but totally unreliable" as it is
    6) realize how horrifyingly awful it would be to have to explain something like that to my parents, sister, friends, bands, boyfriend, etc and be treated like damaged goods from then on
    7) realize that i can't go through that or put them through that
    8) feel suicidal.

    i want out
    what can i do?
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I can truly relate to 1, 2, 3, & 8. But I actually start to act on 1 sort of to replace 4-7. All I can offer is :arms: and that I know the Hell you're in right now.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand too as i do not want others to know how suicidal i am How unstable i am for fear they will judge and not want me anymore. The fear of the pain i will leave everyone in. I want out so badly as there is so much pain but i can't do it i can't so what can be done Keep one so dam busy that ones brain has no chance of even thinking that what become a workaholic push yourself till your exhausted then sleep work and sleep work and sleep.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there a counselor you can talk to so that you can avoid a more public reveal of how you are feeling? Most importantly, though, it is critical that you get the help you want...Big hugs, J
  5. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    (hugs back) to all

    Yeah, I know you know this feeling, I wish you didn't. Thanks for all your kind words, you always have such boundless love and support for everyone!

    Does this work for you? What do you do to keep busy? I would love to be able to fill my day up with work, would solve the financial problems, but the market is pretty crap right now.. I do have plenty of things I could be taking care of but.. it's hard to get motivated to do them..

    I went to a university counselor about a month ago, it felt like a job interview, she asked questions for an hour and offered no advice, told me it would be like that for the next four sessions.. then she got sick and cancelled our next appointment and I never made another one. I also told my ADD shrink last month.. he gave me some St. John's Wort and told me it might make me photosensitive. Then he said I should try light therapy. So I guess he was not really listening either.

    To be honest I am interested in the idea of finding a therapist but I'm having a hard time knowing where to start, I don't understand the system at all here.. plus I am really afraid that if I go in there on a good day they will think there is nothing wrong with me and if I go in there on a bad day they will have me put in the hospital, and I am not sure which of those things is worse
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I think the key to a positive helping relationship is finding someone you can trust and with whom you can be genuine...are there any University or outpatient hospital settings which you can feel secure with??? Again, hope you find the care you desire...J
  7. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    what does st johns wort do to help?
  8. molotov

    molotov Well-Known Member

    supposed to be an herbal anti-depressant. not sure if it works yet. some people swear by it though, no real side effects
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