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any last considerations?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by u99p8, Sep 3, 2006.

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  1. u99p8

    u99p8 Member

    i suppose a little background is needed. (some things are vague to remain anonymous)

    ten years ago i was on the verge of committing suicide. i never told anyone close to me. i tried talking to some people, reading some things. the fundamental reason i decided not to go through with it was because people would say "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" or how attemped suicide survivors would years later say how glad they were that it didn't work. that was an idea that i couldn't refute without continuing to live.

    during the past ten years i tried to live a noble life. i did charity worked. i tutored in spare time. (note that life was still hard for me during this time)

    last year i went through several personal struggles all at the same time. it became unbearable. i turned to a long time friend for help, a person who i was there for and one time vowed eternal gratitude to me. this person ended up betraying me in a way that was f*cked up. people i've told the story to are shocked at scummy the person acted, just for some money

    recently i graduated from a professional school (think: doctor or lawyer or phd). the one month mark for my new job is coming up. when that point comes i will commit suicide.

    i am tired of life. i used to only get sick of living at night, at end of day. but now i wake up dreading the chore of living.

    i've tied up all initial loose ends in preparation for my suicide. so now i wait for the one month mark to come. and basically i'm at the same point i was ten years ago wondering if there are any last things to consider...
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 3, 2006
  2. silverflash

    silverflash Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to let you know that I feel your pain too. I know how awful life is. Every day is a struggle for me too - my only escape is sleep/death. I really wish that I could make it better for you - in the same way as I want to make it better for myself. Please excuse my ignorance, but what is the significance of the one month mark?
    The past week has been AWFUL for me - suicidal thoughts have been continually in my head, but somehow I have made it through. I hope that somehow, you too can make it through the one month mark. If I can do it, so can you!!!
  3. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    u99p8 sorry to hear how you have been feeling:sad: ,I certainly know the dreaded feeling of what it's like to feel like life has no meaning.I've had that feeling well I couldn't put a number to it of course,I've been there for alot of people helped so many down the year's etc and felt the worst of it all.:sad:
    Sadly life treat's us in such way's and it certainly hurt's,I'm Bi Polar and even when I've had my reasonably stable mood's I can switch easy and feel what's the point of it all?You go through all this crap and in the end you die anyway.
    People don't understand other's internal pain's as they don't live in or walk in their shoe's.It is sad that people can do certain thing's to other's,Can you explain exactly please what the thing's that really upset or frustrate you?
    I do know that in my life I've pretty much felt it all and experienced a fair bit of my share of heartache with everything,I do understand how you're feeling and how hard life is for you.
  4. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    sorry to hear how you're feeling.
    i've been there.
    if you ever need to talk feel free to pm me
  5. u99p8

    u99p8 Member

    the one month mark is simply to show i could have made it. suicide has a stigma attached to it, that the person was a failure. one month was arbitrary point chosen to show that i achieved my "prestigous" job and could have lived out my life with it if i wanted to. when people look at my death i don't want them to write me off as a failure, and they won't be able to because i was more successful than many, at least by common standards held by many.

    i always hated the idea that people would think they understand when they don't.
  6. u99p8

    u99p8 Member

    i like what you said there

    as for what's bothering me, it's not one thing. i've always resolved to never commit suicide in the heat of the moment. if it were one thing i would that pushes me over the edge, i would have done it last year when i was at a low point in my life.

    it's not one big thing, it's just everything. most people are false and superficial; when i say superficial i don't mean materialistic, i mean that most people have relationships (any relationship, not just romantic) for convenience and don't truly have a sense of loyalty. to me a good person is someone who when backed into a corner will still act in consideration of others. most people may be nice or friendly or fun, but when it comes down to it they'll act selfishly and only look out for themselves.

    i've always felt this way, my experiences with people always proved this true. last year when i was betrayed, it hurt, it hurt like nothing else.

    people might look at my life, see how much money i make, the power my job brings, and think i have it made. but that's exactly the person i don't care for, who values different things in life.
  7. u99p8

    u99p8 Member

    i turned off pm. if you have any words, please say them in the thread. i'd rather have a public discussion than private
  8. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    What you say ring's a true bell of course,understandably that collectively there are a number of thing's that lead you to feel to such an extent.when someone or some people let you down for e.g it can be very hurtful to say the least.Sadly we can be there for people yet when it's time for them to be there for us they aren't and this can cause obvious anger,frustration etc.
    u99 for what money one may earn can bring a certain amount of happiness and fix certain thing's or buy etc,but we all pretty much know that the amount that one may earn does not guarantee happiness of course and cure everything.
    I certainly understand where you're coming from in term's of feeling betrayed by someone,as this would hurt anyone of course and the pain it bring's to one is unbearable at time's.Sadly what can we do about how people are and how they behave and their character's?Perhap's not to much as we can't change people but it is sad that many people do lack respect for other's.
    Also it's a true fact we could say that a true friend is one there for you anytime you need them,no matter if it's 3 o'clock in the morning and you're asleep or where you may be.
    Sadly we can come on these forum's and feel more consideration from people we've never met than other's we've known for most of our lives,seem's amazing doesn't it?But how true is it.u99 all we can possibly hope and say for those who have done us wrong is use saying's such as"What goes around comes around"If we really don't want to bother with them.But it bothering you so much is very understandable I certainly know what it feels like.
  9. curtius

    curtius Well-Known Member

    superficial reality...humanity whithers in it.

    I dont really care what is bothering you. I dont really care that you hold yourself above everyone else...perhaps without even realizeing it.

    What I do care about it the fact you hate whatever it is so much that you want to take your own life over it.

    You think you are the only one that knows hate and self loath? You think you are the only one that plans their own death? forgive me if I assault your intentions...but you have assaulted my intelligence.

    Honestly I dont give a FUCK about your PHD or whatever. I have nothing. No degrees, no education, no banners to display, no money.

    what I do know is I have earned my place here...you can too. If you let people into what it is you are feeling. I am splattered all over this forum. Look and you will find pieces of yourself all over this place...I promise.



    You are too afraid to look?

    1 month? That is what you gave yourself??? what makes you think you deserve a month? You say it is so people can see that you made it...you sure you are not doing that for yourself?

    Offended by my remarks? FINE. You think it affects me? I only spend my time here...

    if you think no one else cares...then why wait. Unless you are hanging on or something else?

    I wont say I understand...FUCK...I am not sure I want too. I will however, tell you that you had better not set such a date unless you can justify it. You might as well tell us all why if it is worth your own life...

    after all...we are spending ours...waiting and listening to you...consider that.

    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 4, 2006
  10. Allo..

    Allo.. Well-Known Member

    Hey.. u99p8, is there anything you have to live for? anything that makes you happy? is there a specific reason you dont want to live apart from your friend?
  11. Tigerstripe

    Tigerstripe Guest

    Well surley but commiting suicide you will be failing to see out the problem and curtius may have put it bluntly but in my opinion i think if you could overcome these feelings once then you can do it again.
  12. curtius

    curtius Well-Known Member


    ...at least I'm not the sharp edge of your blade...

  13. u99p8

    u99p8 Member

    no, not at all. say whatever without reservation

    sorry if i assaulted your intelliegence. all i can say is that some jobs require certain characteristics. you wouldn't expect a drill sergeant to be mr nice guy and everyone's best friend. in my profession, there's a lot of attitude/arrogance.

    well yes it is for myself. i don't want to be written off as a failure.

    it's an arbitrary date. i don't what else to say than what i already have. if person was kicked out of their profession and committed suicide, people woul feel they know why it happened. enron exec commits suicide and people don't think twice, they feel they know. kodak founder commits suicide and people are confused because they don't assume they understand why

    no i don't think i'm some sort of trailblazer. that there are others who have already gone down this path is exactly why i'm here. maybe people with more experience have ideas/considerations that i haven't gone over
  14. u99p8

    u99p8 Member

    the friend thing is not what is driving me towards suicide. that's just one example among everything. everything is very tiring.

    are there upsides? sure. but few and far between, and vastly outweight by the downsides.
  15. u99p8

    u99p8 Member

    like what?

    it's not a momentary thing to overcome whenever it arises, like a cold. it's something that's been getting progressively worse.
  16. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    u99 I can also go on talking to the cow's come home about thing's and people that have been a problem and have upset me my whole life.The problem is I know if I start I won't finish and I know what it will make me feel like,and I mean there are endless thing's I can go on about.It is so hard for me not to get upset about them as I suffer from severe Ocd, as well which I have the obsessive side mainly that make's me go over thing's so imagine how taxing that could be on the mind.
    I know thing's collectively can be a problem that are a problem:argh: ,If we could just say that's it I'm not going to let thing's bother me no more like that we would.I understand what it's like just like everyone else on these forum's how hard it is for thing's to take their toll on you and cause you so much pain.:sad:
    I fight so hard everyday as everyone else does around here and I understand how hard it is for everyone else who suffer's from depression,even though I'm not walking in their shoes.All we can do is hold on to hope,if you can write down everything that bother's you or even write down the main thing's maybe you can get into the problem and tackle it so it can cause less heartache.
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