Any opinions help would be appreciated, no time wasters please.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by deegang, Oct 17, 2007.

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  1. deegang

    deegang Member

    Hi guy and girls,

    about me - i am a 32yr old male with a fantastic 2yr old son and a amazing partner.

    for some unknown reason (just life in general sucking) i attempeted suicide on monday morning with <edit methods> and a bottle of red wine to wash it down.

    obviously i am still here, but after a truthful talk with the phyciatric nurse at the hospital i was admitted to, i was the sectioned under section 37 of the mental health act (UK Law).

    Now when i spoke to the phyciatrist she was probing thoughts that go through my head. one thought i openly admitted that i thought about killing my partner by running her over. it was just a fleeting thought after an argument or something or other. anyways i thought that most people have these or similar thoughts now and again, the only difference being that crazy people actually follow them through where as i have never done such things apart from my suicide attempt.

    The phyciatrist insisted that this was not a normal thought process?

    what are your thoughts?

    I was released from the Royal Edinburgh hospital yesterday, but after a family member laughing at my suicide attempt i felt the need to go back to hospital for a voluntary stay, for my own protection as i was feeling even lower than before my suicide attempt.

    Now i am back home, i still feel so low but my mindset seems to be getting worse. I had to switch the television off earlier as everything that was on or being said felt like it was making me go crazy.

    I have never and still dont think of myself as being crazy, always lead a fairly normal life. Things just seem to be snowballing, my earlier thoughts were of strangling my partner?? i just dont know whats going on?

    I have a fairly sensible head on at the moment, even enjoyed some time with my family today and laughed a lot. it just seems i am up and down for no reason.

    I have toyed with the idea of another suicide attempt, although i realise that thats not the anwser. I also believe that <edit method> would not do the job, thats what i procured for the process????

    I dont know the anwsers and hope that someone here may have been in a similar position and can offer advice.

    I really need some advice on wheter i should go back to hospital (which by the way made me feel worse, some really strange people on the ward i was in) or what other options or advice can people give.

    I do have outpatient visits arranged to see my phyciatrist, but they are not for another week. also when i telephoned the phyciatric emergency and my hospital, they just told me to go back to sleep (great that as they know i am having trouble sleeping).

    I dont know what to do and feling so low makes it hard to think straight.

    Anyone?????
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 17, 2007
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to go back to the hospital hun, you need to be safe from yourself and get some help to sort your head out :hug:
     
  3. peaksnvalleys

    peaksnvalleys Member

    I don't know about giving advice and shit. Do what you feel is right. I don't understand why anyone would laugh at a suicide attempt. It breaks my heart anytime I hear of anyone doing it, even if I don't know them. Go where you feel safe. Hospitals are good to visit if you're writing a twisted novel, but I don't know about the quality of help you receive from state funded institutions. IN my opinion, therapists are trained professionals, but if they have not experienced anything similar to what you're going through, then they aren't qualified to truly help you. But don't discount them completely. The wrong therapist can do more harm than good, but the right one can work wonders. All's they really do, you know, is listen to you.

    As for murderous fantasies, I feel that they're normal. Insane people don't realize they're insane or question their sanity. Personally, I have homicidal thoughts on occasion, even on family members. It always turns my stomach though. I'm not even tempted to go to such extremes, but the thoughts are there. How is one to control one's thoughts? Fuck, I can't even get songs out of my head, they have to play themselves out. I'd be careful of whom you tell these things to, though. Not everyone feels comfortable with this subject matter. Folks here are willing to listen to you. PM me if you wish, I come around most every day. All the above is my opinion and I am responsible for it, so regard it all as you want.
     
  4. deegang

    deegang Member

    Thanks for the quick reply, going to try and have a sleep see how i feel in the morning, the hospital in concern scares the life out of me especially if i get section for telling them the truth about my thoughts.

    They told me under UK law if they thought i was a danger to myself or others then i could have a mandatory 4 week stay. Its like one flew over the cuckoo nest in there and dont know if i could stand it for another day, nevermind 4 weeks.

    Crying as i type this, just feel so lost

    its not my normal self, where have i gone

    Thanks for the quick reply, i will try to keep you updated, thanks terry.
     
  5. deegang

    deegang Member

    Yeah the therapist that first seen me at the Royal Infirmary Edinburgh knew of my fears of being transferred to the Royal Edinburgh Phyciatic hospital, so much so that i told her i would do a runner if she attampted that. she lied to me and said that i would not be transferred there. soon after i heard her whispering to the other staff and low and behold all wards doors were locked.

    I then proceeded to smash through 2 doors to make my escape, but at the final doors you have to press a button as the doors open inwards. At that point two burly nurses tried to hold me bac, i still escaped out of the hospital, but with no footwear on i kept falling on the wet grass. In the end it took 5 nurses to control me as i was that scared. two of the burly nurses hurt me beyond neccesary reason.

    I could not even complain about the nurses as apparently once you have been sectioned they can use force to detain you.

    My point being is if the phyciatric nurse had been honest with me and talked to me about my fears, then that sorry episode may never have needed to happen.

    I was advised by the main consultant at the Royal Edinburgh that i should file a complaint against this phyciatric nurse, even if nothing comes out of it. It would remain on her record and maybe prevent her from treating vunerable people like that again.

    Thanks for the advice.
     
  6. peaksnvalleys

    peaksnvalleys Member

    Holy fuck, dude. If that shit's true, you may wish to consider avoiding their services. I seriously doubt that they, or any of their colleagues could help you. What kind of environment is that? Christ, I'd rather be morbidly depressed than to be subjected to that variety of Draconian therapy. "Better living through brutality". Find another way, man.
     
  7. deegang

    deegang Member

    Its true, the way i was treated at the Royal Infirmary Edinburgh Combined Assesment Bay 6 (named and shamed) was shocking. Although the nursing staff who saved me from dying and looked after me were first class, not enough praise for the job they do.

    So much for professional phyciatrists though, i swear she thought it was all a bit funny when i ran away and was returned (thats not paranoia either). To think she will be getting very well paid for what she put me through.

    On the other hand the Royal Edinburgh hospital which is geared up for phyciatry was a lot better staff wise, although the actual conditions beggared belief for a modern hospital.

    In the male toilet alone there was a wall covered in mould at the side of the urinal about a meter square, plus the state of the rooms in general were disgusting. Is this the future of the NHS in the UK. If so I do not hold out much hope.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2007
  8. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    seeking help from friends, loved ones and of course everyone here has helped me step back from the abyss, yes it will take time to control my feelings and thoughts. my gp helped too so instead of planning my death i am trying to think of ways to live 1 day at a time.
    plus i have to think of my kids too.
    talking helps mate and your right, it lifts some pressure.
     
  9. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    Never mind the future of the NHS deegang, there are more pressing issues in your life to be addressed right now and they are much more cause for concern.

    As someone, whose thoughts are circling the mystery 'suicide' every day I am stunned by your reason for attempting when you write
    There is no such thing as an unknown reason, no such thing as a 'I feel like dying today, as it just found out life's not quite the peach I expected it to be'. Don't get me wrong, I have no intention of mocking you. I do want you to show the extent of your defence mechanism, of the repression your statement suggests you are willing to go. Most people I know, have spent considerably time in analysing why they have suicidal thoughts. There is at least an attempt made of analysing possible reasons. It is absent in your posting.

    There are numerous statements in your posting, pointing towards psychological repression, .i.e trivialising fantasies about harming someone else, laughing off the seriousness of your attempt taking your live and more..

    You wrote somewhere else you are a heavy gambler. Do you see a link to your suicide attempt? If you answer in the affirmative and if your objective is to get better, you have to start facing uncomfortable truth. No better time to start than now and yes, I think you should get professional help. Whether this should be in the NHS sector< I'm not sure. Consider investing in private therapy. Whatever you do, don't think this 'blib' in the fabric of your consciousness will just go away and the old self miraculously emerges unharmed. That's not going to happen. Suicide attempts are the last act of defiance against an unbearable situation. They offer amazing relief for a short period, but that's all it does.

    There are those who are capable of suppressing their anxieties, fears and demons for a long time. However, at one stage the resolve of such a suppression will be an eruption rather than a controlled emotional release. I am convinced you would benefit greatly from a psychotherapy programme, its method, approach treatment process to be discussed and agreed on with a professional practitioner.


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    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 18, 2007
  10. deegang

    deegang Member

    I attemted suicide because of family issues, money issues and other pressures that i did not want to fully divulge. I have had these thoughts since a teenager when i also attempted the same thing. This was no spur of the moment thing i never thought about, just recently i never considered myself to be quite serious as i always try and pick myself up, wether it be going to the gym etc.

    Recently all my social and physical activities ceased, maybe depression started setting in.

    I stated that i used to be a gambler, never gambled a penny in almost 3 years. This part of my life is over and my money situation although not perfect is a lot better than it ever was. This was no contribution to my attempt at suicide.

    Yes i try and laugh at myself and things cause otherwise i'll be in tears for reasons unknown to myself?

    I am starting to see a professional from next tuesday, this will be a regular thing until such point we agree that i am mentally fit.

    Also managed to get myself out for a swim this morning, i am trying to help myself and i know i need help.

    Thanks for your opions (of which everyone is entitled to) but i dont think they quite helped?

    Gary
     
  11. Trip the Dark fantastic

    Trip the Dark fantastic Well-Known Member

    I'm glad for you. You starting to see a professional, is in my opinion the right way forward, especially as there was an already an attempt in you childhood. It points towards the repression suggestion in my my previous posting.

    Regarding what helped or didn't. I don't know what reactions you were expecting based on your posting. Obviously, my interpretation and comments didn't meet your expectations. I can live with that.
     
  12. deegang

    deegang Member

    Thats fair enough, i was a bit dissapointed that you misread the gambling issue though.

    My original posting may have been a bit vague, but i am not thinking straight so should be excused for that.

    Not sure what response i expected, but really pleased with the help and advice people have offered, nice to talk, even if it is via a web forum.

    All the best.

    Gary
     
  13. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Gary...you sound like there is so much on your plate, that it is overwhelming...when I am at my saturation point, I 'invite' suicidal ideation to take the control I feel i do not have...jump before being pushed...it gives me a place to land, although dark and life-threatening, and at least I know where I am...I have tried to hear my thoughts more metaphorically/ symbolically ...I will not really kill myself or someone, and see what i am trying to voice from a position where I feel I have no real voice...I have found I scare myself less this way and can feel that I am not 'fruit loops', but instead, in a lot of pain...if you can, talk about how you feel and what you want from ppl here and in RL...in my opinion, this is a way to stay in the world and feel the support of others...plez PM me if I can help in any way...all the best, J
     
  14. deegang

    deegang Member

    Thank you. Got through yesterday with a little difficulty. My friends and family have been fantastic, some family showing me emotional support which they have never done in 32 years (its not thier way). One exception was my uncle whom as i already said was laughing at the situation, although i am not sure he realized the seriousness of the situation, maybe some excuse for him but he almost pushed me back over the edge. We have since spoken but he is the type of person who just believes that you should harden yourself up and get a grip on life. I tried to explain everyone is different and its not that easy for me, but he thinks he knows better??? left it at that.

    My best and most trusted friend whom was the only friend i actually confided my situation in was also just the best friend i could ever have hoped for. He came to see me whilst i was in hospital and was just so supportive. I have a lot of friends / aquaintances whom if they ever found out that i was sectioned would probably have a good laugh and joke about it whilst in the pub. I am trying to distance myself from these so called friends as i realise they are not what i need at the moment.

    I dont think for one second that i am fine but the overall support is already having a positive effect on me.

    To anyone who feels lost, lonely and suicidal. I would say that think about things, talk to these wonderful people on this forum, get professional help and try to put things in perspective. My biggest regret is that i would have left my son fatherless. I grew up without a father and i feel so guilty about maybe inflicting the same future on my son.

    Todays a new day and i am going out again for a swim, try and start my day positively. Try and instill that nice feeling your get when you exercise, also i found that exercising helped me sleep and hour or so longer last night, which had been a big problem for me recently.

    Bad thoughts and feelings are still there, but i am getting them out by talking to people rather than bottling them up which is what i used to do.

    Not quite sure what else to say folks, sometimes feels i am just spouting whatever comes into my head, but at least its out there, rather than stuck in my head.

    I will let you know how i get on over the coming weeks / months. Sure to be highs and lows, but hopefully not that low that i will attempt suicide again. I do have the means for another attempt but will be flushing the said pills down the toilet, no longer will they be close at hand for another mad moment.

    Heres to the future. Lets hope its a good one.

    :smile:
     
  15. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you found some mojo...and without steroids (lol)...remember if there are bumps along the way, that is a part of life...sh*t happens...keep talking and reaching out...about your uncle...please remember the source when you take in the information...some ppl deal with things in pretty strange ways...hope there is more light coming your way, and the offer remains; PM me if I can help....all the best, j
     
  16. Random

    Random Well-Known Member

    The thing with thinking about running your partner over is not a healthy thought process and I would admit myself if I ever thought of doing something like that.
     
  17. deegang

    deegang Member

    It was a fleeting thought whilst in the midst of an argument or similar. I know its wrong and thats what i think the thin line is between admitting myself to hospital or sticking to my outpatients visits (which start next week).

    After a couple of days in hospital, i think i know what i would rather opt for.

    Low feelings returning, no suicide thoughts though. Seem to be crying for no apparent reason. Maybe feeling sory for myself, which i know is pathetic.

    When i think of all the worry i put everyone through it just seems to make things worse.

    Lets see what tomorrow holds.

    :sad:
     
  18. Aaron

    Aaron Well-Known Member

    hiya, did the doc's prescribe you any meds?if so sometimes these can make you feel worse before feeling better.
     
  19. deegang

    deegang Member

    No meds at the moment, i assume that will be one of the first things we and my psychiatrist will talk about on tuesday.

    My first night back at work went ok ( i am a taxi driver) thankfully most of my passengers were very pleasant people. I even managed a few laughs and nice conversations.

    Still going through deep periods of regret, which in turn is making me worse. plus every day i find out that more close friends and family know what happened in full. Why cant people keep thier big mouths shut? I only shared this with my mother (big mouth), partner (obviously) and my best friend (absolute trust, plus he went on holiday the day after i was discharged from hospital). My mother seems to be telling all to anyone who will listen, getting emails from people whom i have not seen in ages.

    I know that i am openly talking to you guys but i see that in a different light. No one on this site knows me personally, so i feel comfortable with talking here.

    Can anyone who has been through a suicide attempt advise me as to whether or not their thoughts got worse after the attempt, eg thinking more of harming myself again even though i am having regrets, i am still thinking of other methods and reasons to end my life.

    Yet on the other hand i am joking and laughing a lot with my family????? having a few nice days, just doesnt seem enough?

    Rambling again!

    See you later guys, going to sleep, six in the morning here and just finished nightshift. I'll be back tomorrow, so at least thats promising.

    Gary
     
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