I am a 43 year old male who has attempted suicide three times in the past ten years, have been off-and-on anti-depressants during those years (mostly on), and am thinking seriously of suicide once again. I've seen numerous therapists that weren't able to tell me anything I didn't already know. I've been in mental health facilities a total of four times; most recently receiving electroconvulsive therapy voluntarily (seven sessions didn't help). At present, I have been off my meds for ten months and have not been to a therapist in about eight months. Honestly, I feel no different other than feeling a little more clear headed. I am a successful teacher of fourteen years, and I love my job. My job, more than anything else, has been the best therapy for me. I've been married once (no longer) with no children. I've lived with depression most of my life and have come to accept it as normal for me. I grew up a military brat with an angry father and a depressed mother. I very much disliked my parents growing up, but came to terms with that whole issue almost twenty years ago. One way I describe myself is, "I like who I am; I just don't like how I am." Most recently, I've come to a revelation that I don't want to kill myself because I'm depressed, but rather I'm depressed because I want to kill myself. I truly think that life is incredible, it's just that I don't care about my own life - I've given up (have done so a long time ago). I'm not quite sure why I've written in this forum, other than maybe someone has some words of magic for me. Beleve me, I've read and heard just about everything concerning depression. Nothing fits for me.