I was seeing a shrink for a about a year and half. Work sent me there and paid for it. I was seeing her due to the loss of my daughter through suicide, and having suicidal feelings myself. Work told me they would no longer pay for me to see her anymore. So I thought well I cannot become dependant on her and keep seeing her, so I might as well stop seeing her. She wanted me to keep seeing her, and offered me a reduced price, then when I said no she reduced her price again. I still said no. Because I want to stand on my own 2 feet and sort out my own problems and not be paying someone to be my friend and share my troubles with. The problem is that I miss her so much. She was not perfect and had lots of attitude. She could be quite sarcastic at times, but I still miss her. She also said to my husband that her door was always open, and thanked me for being a good patient etc. Suicidal feelings are coming back, and its really hard that I can't really talk to anyone about them because I don't want to freak people out, and have people dob me in to the CAT team. At work though I have been occasionally letting hints go, and I shouldn't be doing it as it can freak people out, but it is so hard to keep it all in. The other day someone was telling another person that they should celebrate their 50 birthday as it was special occasion blah blah blah. Then I told her I didn't do anything special for my 40th, as it was a just another day that I was stuck on this planet for another year. She told me it was awful to hear that. I know I shouldn't have said it but it popped out. At work we have to put on our assessment our future career goals, I don't really have any, and feel that I am just existing. I can't really say my career goal is to just stay on the planet can I.