anyone care to explain my mind to me?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Arun, Jan 12, 2014.

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  1. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    Okay so i think i've messed up, and i'd love some clarification from you guys.

    The last few weeks i have been rather depressed. I was researching methods and somehow i couldn't stop myself. But the thing it, i knew i couldn't go through with it. My family relies on me too much and i'd feel even more of a failure if i abandoned them. I know the impact death has. It was like i was indulging a fantasy i knew i could never attain.

    I emailed my psychologist asking for an earlier session, saying how i was feeling including that i wanted to give up. She replied saying she was concerned about my words "wanting to give up" and could i please explain. I replied saying that i wasn't suicidal. I didn't want to concern her, and i'd still be alive to talk to her next session.

    But the thing is, i don't know if i am or not!! This is incredibly stupid but was i? Even though i couldn't stop myself from being fascinated by all the methods and their various reliabilities, even though i did want to just give up, even though i was incredibly hopeless and despairing. Even though all of that, i knew i wouldn't go through with anything.

    I'm worried about what i told her, and i'm worried about explaining all of this. Anything you have to say will be so helpful, cause i feel so lost right now.
     
  2. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    well, they told me i suffered from "suicidal ideation". obsessed with killing myself but really not wanting to die, just wanting the pain to end.

    it's hell on earth. i'm trying to get through this, to the other side. i don't know how to, but i'm trying.

    i hope this helps a little. maybe just to know you're not alone.
     
  3. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    I haven't been totally honest with my psychiatrist because I didn't want to tell her I'm suicidal with a plan because I didn't want to go to the hospital and to take away my meds that I want to OD on. Not telling the truth can come back and haunt you. I feel guilty that I was dishonest, but I've gathered up some coping skills whenever my suicidal urges tempt me. I made notes to remind me why I shouldn't act on my thoughts and feelings. I called the crisis line yesterday for some support but again, I did not admit that I had a plan because I didn't want EMS called, but I DID have a plan. Now I'm debating if I should just flush the meds down the toilet so I won't be obsessing about them. That has worked before when I thought about ODng on something else. However, I might need the meds sometimes so I will just flush down some of it, not all. It's just for safety measures that I'm making an effort to do this. I don't encourage everyone who is suicidal to not talk honestly to their doctor or therapist out of fear, because telling the truth can set you free. Taking personal responsibility of your own actions is hard when you don't have backup support or advice. If you really need that extra support, be honest and let the professionals give you their suggestions. It's a risk, but at least you know there is help out there if you want it.
     
  4. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    So you two would say it's suicidal ideation then? Something i should tell my psych? I was hoping it was just my mind being stupid and not really that important. Cause, you know, i wouldn't have done it. Too numb to anyway.

    mpang, i reckon throwing away a large amount of the meds would be a good idea. I find whenever i have obsessions about something, having it just there and seeing it constantly just makes it so much worse. I don't like admitting i need support, mpang. But i am trying to be honest about how i am going - which is hard when i'm not honest to myself even, too much repression going on.
     
  5. mpang123

    mpang123 Well-Known Member

    Well, I've done it!!! I threw away 2 bottles of the meds down the toilet, leaving just 2 bottles left. This is going to prevent me from obsessing about it because downing 2 bottles of it won't do any much harm. Whew! What a relief. I can't believe something so simple was the hardest thing I had to do.
     
  6. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    honestly Arun, this is my view

    1. a psychiatrist, therapist or any professional can only help you with what they know to be true of you, so the more you hold back, the more you cause people to not be able to help you -- this has to be balanced with trust tho, do you trust the person to look out for your best interest?

    2. even if its just your "mind being stupid" , its important in the psychological and mental realm of things. this is precisely what the psychiatrists and therapists are there to help you with.... regardless of if a thought has the potential to be life ending, if it affects you, it is important for them to know

    just my thoughts...
     
  7. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    not a doctor so i can't say it's "suicidal ideation" just that it sounds a lot like me and that's what my docs say. truthfully i don't trust nor do i like psychiatry. it hasn't helped me. not to say it hasn't helped others. i'm glad mpang flushed the pills. that was my plan too. last time i went to the hospital was the first time i was honest about my plan. yes, they admitted me. yes i got really good treatment there. then i was released and have lame treatment. such is the life of health insurance and mental care in the good ol' U S of A.

    maybe just telling us on here helped you some?
     
  8. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    mpang i am so proud of you, that is excellent!

    dawn thank you for your honesty, i really appreciate it. i do agree with your first point (and am learning to trust), but i am finding it difficult to accept your second point. i think it is only because it's so scary and means i need to sit down and sort out all the things i should probably tell her. eek!

    Annie, i am seeing a psychologist not a psychiatrist and in Australia at least, psychologists don't prescribe the meds just do all the various kinds of therapies. You know what, every time i say something on here it gets less scary to think about and i avoid it less. i'm sorry you've had such mixed treatment
     
  9. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    i can understand the paralyzing fear if you don't trust your doc completely in telling him/her anything... and thats why i said, it has to be balanced with trust. my 2nd point was more just a general definition of the psychiatrist/therapist/etc job .. basically, their job is a service to you... but just like if you call the plumber and say "will you come out and look at the plumbing in my house", unless you tell them what part of the plumbing they need to look at and why, its possible the problem will be overlooked..... its even more true when it comes to problems with our thoughts and emotions cuz these are things that other people cannot always see, so unless we tell them they exist, they do not know.... thus the problem goes overlooked

    does that make sense?
     
  10. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    i just love the encouragement we give each other here. thank you.
     
  11. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    :) very true and thank you for recognizing it
     
  12. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    does that make sense? Yes. It makes so much sense and i wish i could've viewed it like that earlier. Gosh i will have to keep reminding myself of your plumber analogy, it's amazing thank you.

    I think the trust thing is more to do with my paralysing fear of strong emotions and not trusting myself, rather than with trusting my psych. I do trust her, i am anxious about her judging me but i know that's stupid with the 'unconditional positive regard' they have for their clients. Well, just thinking about it now.. i don't trust her completely because i don't know her limit or policies regarding when to intervene with SI or suicide - i am actually terrified of her notifying anyone if i share something too serious. Not that there is anything too serious yet i don't think.
     
  13. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    one of the most helpful things i do for myself when i am in therapy (i'm not actively in therapy currently b/c of transportation issues, money issues, and husband issues), is to write down the things i think are possibly important to talk to my therapist/psych about as they come up btwn appointments, and then take that paper in with me when i go... sometimes i can't find the courage to talk about it, so i had the paper to the doc, other times, i use it as a checklist....
     
  14. Arun

    Arun Well-Known Member

    i do that too! yay something i do right! i start making the list a few days before the appointment and i carry it in my bag with me. I don't take it out, but it's such a good help for my memory. I did hand her a list of some of my scarier thoughts once, it made it a lot easier.
     
  15. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    :) i'm glad you are able to trust her that much then.... that shows me that you are just scared of the unknown, but trust that she's trying to help you....
     
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