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Anyone else appear ‘normal’ to the world

#1
Hello friends....I appear totally ‘normal’ to the world....I have a job, I have a beautiful family, I have a home that I maintain, I wave to the neighbors and appear happy, I have dinner with friends, etc....yet here I am writing on a suicidal forum. Had someone told me 4 years ago that this would be me I would have told them they were insane. Even as I type this and all the other posts I have typed, I feel like I am living someone else’s life. I am sitting here looking across from my outstanding husband. If he knew that every single morning I wake up wishing I didn’t he would be devastated and would never understand it. If my family knew my feelings and knew some of the things I have done, they would be disgusted.

That being said, I know that if it were not for my real fear of hell....I mean a fear of devils with pitchforks, screaming souls, etc....I would leave this earth. That, in addition to the devastation it would cause my family and friends is also an issue that keeps me from doing anything. I am working hard in therapy.....I take medication. I attend online support groups. I am just so stinking tired of it all.....I long for the life I used to have ... where I got up, loved life, etc. That life is long gone so really what’s the sense. No stay in a psych ward would help me with my self disgust.

I have an autoimmune disease that is disfiguring....eventually it will affect my internal organs. It is just all too much. My hell already exists here on earth ..... yet for the sake of others I stay and go through the motions. I totally understand Kate Spade. Though I have nowhere near the financial means that she had, I am financially stable...so as they say, money isn’t everything. I would return all the money for peace of mind.

Thanks for reading my novel. Bottom line...anyone else appear ‘normal’ to the outside world? Would there be total shock if you chose to take your own life? I often wonder how long I can keep up the act. Anyone else?

Thanks...
 

lifetalkz

Well-Known Member
#2
I really enjoyed your post-for many reasons I found it very refreshing. I applaud your honesty....I couldn't help but think immediately about the works of Shakespeare, how he so brilliantly wrote about people who "appeared" normal to the outside world, but their insides were contradictory and complicated. Very turbulent desires were lurking beneath the surface of what appeared to be calm waters. The issue(s) that you're describing have existed for centuries. This is why I wouldn't beat yourself about it. If your life feels like a lie, there are things you can do to make it less so. But most intelligent beings lead somewhat double lives.

This is all a part of the circus of humanity....I'm not saying that you've nothing to worry about. If you feel like your double life is a problem, it is...because you believe it to be so. But I wouldn't feel a lot of shame about the situation. I'm sure that your husband has his own secrets, everyone does. Sometimes something needs to be done, usually it doesn't. But try not to be hard on yourself. For me, the important issue is-are the secrets that you're keeping causing harm to others? Could someone be directly affected at some point by the information that you're withholding? If the answer to those questions is yes, then you really should search your soul and make some difficult assessments.

If the answer to those questions is no...I still believe some soul searching might be in order. I'm almost 60 now, but many years ago when I was in my late 20's and early 30's I was a pathological liar. My loose tongue always telling lies got me into plenty of trouble. Eventually I understood the root of my problem was my extreme disappointment in myself. My problem had nothing to do with the people around me and everything to do with my own shame and humiliation at the mess I'd made of my own life. I'm actually glad that you're in therapy...I hope that you will benefit from it greatly at some point in near future. Best wishes to you and God bless-LT
 
#3
Hi @Hatingmyselfdaily
Your post is very honest and I know there are many others on here who do exactly the same. I also aim to appear ‘normal’. Have done for years. Like you I have a family who I know love me, secure job, house etc and yet I can relate so well to you when I sit on the sofa opposite my husband typing on SF.

However, for me recent weeks have started to become slightly different. I won’t say easy but perhaps my story will help a little. My normal became shattered when I finally cracked. I had no choice but to let my husband and work know. In fact it wasn’t me that told them. It wasn’t a full attempt but the intent was to there and noticed when I was reported to the police as a welfare concern and they had to find me and drive me home. It sounds really scary but at the time it wasn’t. In fact I’d had 3 previous visits at night by the police which had gone unnoticed by my family.
But the response that I have received has been unexpected. I didn’t really know what response I would get if I told them but I was so scared of letting them know. So the normal finally ate away at me and I simply couldn’t do it any more.
This has all happened in very recent weeks and some days are still the lowest of the low and I can think of nothing else but leaving this earth. But the people around me care. I know I’m lucky. My boss said ‘I can’t lose you too’ Another member of staff committed suicide a few years ago. The moment I show any signs of going in to crisis which happens every couple of days, they keep me safe. Refuse to let me be on my own, however much I want to be so I can end it. The moment they see me planning and putting things in to place they intervene and prevent it. I am currently wrapped in bubble wrap for my own safety and they won’t let me out. It’s not restrictive, and it doesn’t stop me feeling suicidal but perhaps I am beginning to see some love. I’m not saying I can feel it as my head tells me I don’t deserve it which makes it hard to accept.
I think what I’m trying to say is there are people that care. Probably over a very long time you have slowly and gradually climbed further and further down. It is the scariest thing to allow people in to that place with you, and those who remember my earlier posts fighting with all my strength to keep this hidden and stay ‘normal’ at all costs. But now I don’t have to be all the time. I teach, so in the classroom I’m normal. When I’m doing the weekly food shop I’m mostly normal. Even at home in the evening. 80% of my day I’m normal. But the difference is that people now know I’m doing it and they can look out for the signs when I’m struggling. Today I spent an hour sitting in my head teachers office at a desk meant for students working because I couldn’t be alone. I’m 51 with 28 years teaching experience and I sat in the heads office! But he understood that that’s what I needed and we both just sat doing our own thing. And that’s where the difference comes. You have to be normal. I don’t know why, perhaps because we are still fighting. Trying to stay strong. But if a few people around you, and you can chose who they are, know, then being normal around them isn’t so hard. And at times you don’t have to pretend when it all gets to much.
I don’t know if this makes any sense and my journey is far from easy but my journey before was equally as hard. I’m just on a slightly different path now. So if you can find it within yourself to let someone know I hope it will give you some peace. Take care. Xx
 

Auri

🎸🎼Rock Star🎼🎸
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#5
I don't believe in 'normal', I think there are always layers to uncover, but you defined it as 'not suicidal' in your post, so I'll go with that.

Yes, I appear normal to the world. More than that, I appear 'good', positive, highly functional, achieving, balanced, all that... like I have everything to have a happy life. Not saying that I don't, but I suppose in addition to that I have way more obstacles than it looks like and than I let on. It's okay because I totally contribute to that image by hiding information and I don't want that to change. It is part of the real 'me'.

Would it shock everyone if I did it? I'm not sure... (except the few close people who know a little bit more about my suicidal past). I still don't think I have a particularly optimistic personality and it only takes a bit of looking beyond my happy face to notice how sad I am, I'm not that good at hiding. Most people do notice, I think. Suicide though has probably not crossed everyone's mind.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#6
I don't believe in 'normal', I think there are always layers to uncover, but you defined it as 'not suicidal' in your post, so I'll go with that.

Yes, I appear normal to the world. More than that, I appear 'good', positive, highly functional, achieving, balanced, all that... like I have everything to have a happy life. Not saying that I don't, but I suppose in addition to that I have way more obstacles than it looks like and than I let on. It's okay because I totally contribute to that image by hiding information and I don't want that to change. It is part of the real 'me'.

Would it shock everyone if I did it? I'm not sure... (except the few close people who know a little bit more about my suicidal past). I still don't think I have a particularly optimistic personality and it only takes a bit of looking beyond my happy face to notice how sad I am, I'm not that good at hiding. Most people do notice, I think. Suicide though has probably not crossed everyone's mind.
I think that we ate our own “harshest critics!” An d that — when u really get down to it... & think about it, it is these “obstacles,@ & adversities that when faced with uh life ; shape us. Not just build character, but make us who we ate (in short: ‘not boring!’) ha..;) I think that even some of the great artists of their day had their share or troubles, and misfortune. Even now, it is not uncommon to find those - in music for example - that, even once or when they’ve made it ; hav these very significant flaws & struggles, formed by or from damages either done in the past, or now (& ate ongoing. . . ) it’s what makes us who we ate - gives us character- strength & perseverance, the ability to adapt & improvise - to overcome hardships no matter how everlasting or insurmountable they may seem. You know, I remember hearing of a film maker in the 90’s saying something like 👍 “we all moved out here (l.a.) after film 🎞 school (ny-u) & by and large : those that stuck with it. Made it & ate doing some thing in the industry— (now that may be a little oversimplified; yet I still can find a kernel of truth in there that can be applied to my own life - in th e sense that.. as long as I don’t die /)$ stay alive: I’ll always have a chance to be that person I always wanted and dreamed to be. Which us basically if not so much , “happy,” content with &/or in “Life!” ;D
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#7
I’ve met people with perfect lives. They’re usually not all that interesting (because they haven’t had to be - to struggle - at least not in that same way..,)! ;) that said: would I trade places with any one of them? In a heartbeat 💓 (just might need to get some practice in on being more ‘mean-spirited,’ in some cases anyway ...)’ :^)
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#8
The advantage to having it to where nobody else notices in that it makes it so that nobody can do anything about it, either. Which, I guess could also be viewed as a disadvantage. . . (Depending on your point of view!)
 

Aurelia

🔶🔸✴ 👑 ✴🔸🔶
#9
Nope. I appear completely abnormal. From the moment people take one glance at me (the "I hate everything and everyone" look on my face gives me away), to the moment they speak to me and get to know me, totally abnormal.
 
#10
I think a lot of people can relate to you, issue is you have no idea as they keep it to themselves irl.
And I am one of them ig. I work and study (even if I skip doing my assignments properly every now and then lol) and have my family and friends. I suppose people even assume I have more than I actually do. They usually say when they first meet me I seem like a "spoiled single child" and "cold and high maintenance".

And it's super hard because well, you seem all confident to them. Why'd you ever vent? I think it's all amazing and we got lucky in terms of being functional however. There were 2 years in my life only spent in bed. Leaving your job or quitting your studies will never help you recover from depression. Being busy is the best.
 

Waves

Well-Known Member
#11
Hello friends....I appear totally ‘normal’ to the world....I have a job, I have a beautiful family, I have a home that I maintain, I wave to the neighbors and appear happy, I have dinner with friends, etc....yet here I am writing on a suicidal forum. Had someone told me 4 years ago that this would be me I would have told them they were insane. Even as I type this and all the other posts I have typed, I feel like I am living someone else’s life. I am sitting here looking across from my outstanding husband. If he knew that every single morning I wake up wishing I didn’t he would be devastated and would never understand it. If my family knew my feelings and knew some of the things I have done, they would be disgusted.

That being said, I know that if it were not for my real fear of hell....I mean a fear of devils with pitchforks, screaming souls, etc....I would leave this earth. That, in addition to the devastation it would cause my family and friends is also an issue that keeps me from doing anything. I am working hard in therapy.....I take medication. I attend online support groups. I am just so stinking tired of it all.....I long for the life I used to have ... where I got up, loved life, etc. That life is long gone so really what’s the sense. No stay in a psych ward would help me with my self disgust.

I have an autoimmune disease that is disfiguring....eventually it will affect my internal organs. It is just all too much. My hell already exists here on earth ..... yet for the sake of others I stay and go through the motions. I totally understand Kate Spade. Though I have nowhere near the financial means that she had, I am financially stable...so as they say, money isn’t everything. I would return all the money for peace of mind.

Thanks for reading my novel. Bottom line...anyone else appear ‘normal’ to the outside world? Would there be total shock if you chose to take your own life? I often wonder how long I can keep up the act. Anyone else?

Thanks...
hi

We share similar storylines in that I was functioning fine until trauma at late age. You have every available resource and you are overwhelmed with pain. I admire your strength and understand your frustration. I come off as depressed and anxious unlike you who appears normal. Wanted to ask you what do you think it would take to feel normal again. I think a fix for depression and anxiety. But what would that be. ??
 
#14
Don't. It's the truth. Most people I meet think I'm fucking weird.
I believe that you believe that. . ; ) / I guess we’ll just have to - “agree to disagree!” : ) not that it’s quite the same ; but in some not so small way, we can be more truthful & forthcoming on here, than out there. So for what that is worth (should you fall into these shoes, or this category...) then we’ve gotten to know the ‘real you,’ & unless you’re some gross imposter - I happen to find you quite normal and well. But also interesting & appealing! :^) if you present more awkwardly in social settings, just know that some of the most intelligent people I have personally known, have shared this trait; or attribute (“feature,” if you will...) I’m not smart enough to understand what that feel s like 👍 & id imagine it has something to do with the amount of info that is being processed all at once, upstairs!) ;) either way - I’d imagine those who you are encountering might have if not an entirely different opinion altogether (than the one you exclusively share. . .) certainly a less scathing one ☝️.
 

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