Hello friends....I appear totally ‘normal’ to the world....I have a job, I have a beautiful family, I have a home that I maintain, I wave to the neighbors and appear happy, I have dinner with friends, etc....yet here I am writing on a suicidal forum. Had someone told me 4 years ago that this would be me I would have told them they were insane. Even as I type this and all the other posts I have typed, I feel like I am living someone else’s life. I am sitting here looking across from my outstanding husband. If he knew that every single morning I wake up wishing I didn’t he would be devastated and would never understand it. If my family knew my feelings and knew some of the things I have done, they would be disgusted.
That being said, I know that if it were not for my real fear of hell....I mean a fear of devils with pitchforks, screaming souls, etc....I would leave this earth. That, in addition to the devastation it would cause my family and friends is also an issue that keeps me from doing anything. I am working hard in therapy.....I take medication. I attend online support groups. I am just so stinking tired of it all.....I long for the life I used to have ... where I got up, loved life, etc. That life is long gone so really what’s the sense. No stay in a psych ward would help me with my self disgust.
I have an autoimmune disease that is disfiguring....eventually it will affect my internal organs. It is just all too much. My hell already exists here on earth ..... yet for the sake of others I stay and go through the motions. I totally understand Kate Spade. Though I have nowhere near the financial means that she had, I am financially stable...so as they say, money isn’t everything. I would return all the money for peace of mind.
Thanks for reading my novel. Bottom line...anyone else appear ‘normal’ to the outside world? Would there be total shock if you chose to take your own life? I often wonder how long I can keep up the act. Anyone else?
Thanks...
That being said, I know that if it were not for my real fear of hell....I mean a fear of devils with pitchforks, screaming souls, etc....I would leave this earth. That, in addition to the devastation it would cause my family and friends is also an issue that keeps me from doing anything. I am working hard in therapy.....I take medication. I attend online support groups. I am just so stinking tired of it all.....I long for the life I used to have ... where I got up, loved life, etc. That life is long gone so really what’s the sense. No stay in a psych ward would help me with my self disgust.
I have an autoimmune disease that is disfiguring....eventually it will affect my internal organs. It is just all too much. My hell already exists here on earth ..... yet for the sake of others I stay and go through the motions. I totally understand Kate Spade. Though I have nowhere near the financial means that she had, I am financially stable...so as they say, money isn’t everything. I would return all the money for peace of mind.
Thanks for reading my novel. Bottom line...anyone else appear ‘normal’ to the outside world? Would there be total shock if you chose to take your own life? I often wonder how long I can keep up the act. Anyone else?
Thanks...