Anyone else have sexual compulsivity?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by sofie, Feb 3, 2016.

  1. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    I know, weird question :) But bear with me. I rather recently realized that casual sex and, in particular, casual fetish sex are things that I turn to as a self-harming coping skill. Before, I always thought of myself as 'open-minded' and 'free' sexually.....but recently I realized that it is/was simply a way that I found a release similar to the release I sought when I would cut on myself.

    I figured this out due to the fact my most recent relapse into anxiety and depression (the first relapse in YEARS) is the first relapse since I have been married (or even in my dating relationship with my now-husband) and my compulsions for casual sex came on full force despite a loving and sexually satisfying relationship with my husband.

    This realization really hit me in the face....I am now viewing so many past activities differently and trying to figure out where the line of healthy sexual thoughts/actions and compulsive behavior begins. I am talking to my psychologist about this but would love to have someone who actually knows what I feel because they have felt it themselves to chime in here. Anyone have any similar struggles and/or suggestions?

  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I was promiscuous in my early teens, it was a part of my BPD I believe. I was reckless, got pregnant at 14 and miscarried. Similar struggles yes, but at a difficult age so it might not be the same just please tell me you are taking precautions and as for suggestions, I'd advise you talk to a counsellor about this and see what ideas they have as they might have come across this before and have techniques or suggestions they can add but from my point of view, just be safe.
  3. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    Thanks, Petal. Fortunately, I have only given into this compulsion once since this relapse started and that was shortly before or immediately after my first therapy session. It was with a man I briefly dated years ago so very safe....since then I have held to my marriage vows and do not plan to mess up like that again but the inclination and auto-response to WANT to is there and pretty disturbing. Hard to wrap my head around the idea that all that promiscuity a few years ago was actually not about sex.....weird.
  4. jake.x.99

    jake.x.99 On Leave

    sofie, i am by no means qualified to comment on this, but i just wanted to suggest something that i started thinking about last week . . . isn't it possible that these behaviors are not so much a self-harming coping skill as they are a more insidious self-harming method? rather than the sorts of "typical" self-harming behaviors, these are things that have less immediately obvious effects, but ones that are longer lasting and more significantly damaging. again, i have no experience and probably should not even be commenting, but last week i began to think about behaviors of my own in the context of self-harming because they have put me in the position i presently find myself, and along the way, have destroyed my relationships and hurt me (and others around me). and like the "typical" self-harming behaviors (at least as i understand them -- i never before considered myself to be a self-harmer), i have watched myself engage in these behaviors, knowing all the while that they were going to hurt be and leave irrevocable scars. isn't it possible at least that your compulsion is a self-harming behavior -- you know that, if you give in to it, and if your husband finds out, it will destroy the most important thing in your life.

    just a thought . . . sorry if it is out of place or out of line.
  5. sofie

    sofie Banned Member

    Not at ALL out of line or place -- and I think you did hit the nail on the head. I think self-harming coping skills are by their very nature self-harming and self-defeating. In craving these things, I am at the least setting myself up for the potential of losing my marriage, my home, hurting my family, losing basically everything that I value....

    It is also about sense of purpose and self-worth....I have wrapped in my head (and I recognize this is not a healthy or true statement) that I am only truly useful when allowing a man to f*ck me. This, as you and Petal both know already, goes back to childhood sexual abuse and is something I am working through with my psychologist. But the origin of the compulsion does seem to reside with the desire to feel used/useful along with the release I get from doing something taboo.

    Thank you for jumping in, Jake....your thoughts brought up a lot of good points.