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Anyone else know they won't enjoy christmas?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by twing, Dec 18, 2011.

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  1. twing

    twing Active Member

    I remember when I was younger christmas was a magical time of the year all the family arrived and we had fun. Now my christmas spirit level is at 0 / 100. Spending christmas day with my family will feel like a chore, i will try to be happy but it probably won't work then i will feel like an outsider because i am bringing down the mood of everyone which will make it even worse. I don't enjoy christmas anymore (there is not much i do enjoy) i would have more fun at home by myself staying in my room all day. The whole festive break is meaningless to me there is nothing to look forward to. Then new years is another chance to try and pretend i am celebrating when really once again i am realising my life sucks and is still not where i want it to be.

    I couldn't care one but bit about christmas it is just another chance for family members to ask what you have been doing and realise nothing has really changed since the year before and you are still doing nothing, another chance for them to ask how you are enjoying xxx yea it's great *lie*, another chance for them to ask how you have been which you respond with 'good' yea right i can't remember the last time my life was truly good or i was truly happy, then they ask your other relatives how their lives are and you get to hear their long stories of their busy awesome lives proving how much better they are than you.

    It feels like everyone is always looking down at me, im always at the bottom of the barrel or trailing behind im never the leader, never the interesting one.
    I'm setting out to change it, i have always wanted to change it, but what they don't know is how far i have come they only see physical things they don't know about the massive battle in my mind, they don't feel or know of the frustration and hopelessness that i feel, they don't see the times when my mind is so fucked i feel sick or the times i can't sleep at night. If i explained it i don't even think they could begin to understand it, if i said it in words it would sound stupid, so i don't get compliments i just get run down to feel like shit because i still haven't achieved anything and everyone else's life is so much better than mine.

    Not everyone reading this may like this song but it's been playing over and over in my head when im feeling down, nothing else has made more sense to me recently. I like the bit about walking a mile in someone else's shoes to see what it's really like to be them because i guess you never really know how people feel, how they think or what they have been through unless you were them and were able to see things from their perspective.

    Eminem - Beautiful
    Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
    Everybody has a private world where they can be alone
    Are you calling me? Are you trying to get through
    Are you reaching out for me, like I'm reaching out for you?

    I'm just so fuckin' depressed, I just can seem to get out this slump
    If I could just get over this hump
    But I need something to pull me out this dump,
    I took my bruises, took my lumps
    Fell down and I got right back up
    But I need that spark to get psyched back up
    In order for me to pick the mic back up
    I don't know how or why or when I ended up in this position I'm in
    I'm starting to feel distant again
    So I decided just to pick this pen
    Up and try to make an attempt to vent
    But I just can't admit
    Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap
    I need a new outlet, I know some shit's so hard to swallow
    And I just can't sit back and wallow
    In my own sorrow
    But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow
    One tough act to follow
    I'll be one tough act to follow
    Here today, gone tomorrow
    But you have to walk a thousand miles

    In my shoes, just to see
    What it's like, to be me
    I'll be you, let's trade shoes
    Just to see what it'd be like to
    Feel your pain, you feel mine
    Go inside each other's mind
    Just to see what we find
    Look at shit through each other's eyes
    But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful, oh
    They can all get fucked.
    Just stay true to you
    So don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
    Oh, they can all get fucked.
    Just stay true to you

    I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor
    Everything is so tense and gloom
    I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room
    Just as soon as I walk in
    It's like all eyes on me
    So I try to avoid any eye contact
    'cause if I do that then it opens a door for conversation
    Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
    I just want to be just like you
    Blend in with the rest of the room
    Maybe just point me to the closest restroom
    I don't need no fucking man servant
    Trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
    Laugh at every single joke I crack
    And half of them ain't even funny like
    "Ah, Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn"
    Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
    So why don't you all sit down?
    Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
    Hell, we don't gotta trade our shoes
    And you ain't gotta walk no thousand miles


    But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
    Oh They can all get fucked.
    Just stay true to you so
    Don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful
    Oh They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you so

    Nobody asked for life to deal us
    With these bullshit hands we're dealt
    We have to take these cards ourselves
    And flip them, don't expect no help
    Now I could have either just
    Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
    Or take this situation in which I'm placed in
    And get up and get my own
    I was never the type of kid
    To wait by the door and pack his bags
    Who sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
    For a dad to show up who never did
    I just wanted to fit in
    At every single place
    Every school I went
    I dreamed of being that cool kid
    Even if it meant acting stupid

    Aunt Edna always told me keep makin' that face it'll get stuck like that
    Meanwhile I'm just standin' there
    Holdin' my tongue tryna talk like this
    'Til I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
    I learned my lesson then cause I wasn't tryna impress my friends no mo'
    But I already told you my whole life story
    Not just based on my description
    'cause where you see it from where you're sitting
    Is probably 110% different
    I guess we would have to walk a mile
    In each other's shoes, at least
    What size you wear? I wear tens
    Let's see if you can fit your feet


    Lately I've been hard to reach, I've been too long on my own
    Everybody has a private world where they can be alone...
    So are you calling me, are you trying to get through, oh?
    Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you?
    So oh oh

    Yea... To my babies. Stay strong.
    Daddy will be home soon
    And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
    That fit you, so put 'em on and wear 'em
    And be yourself, man, be proud of who you are
    Even if it sounds corny,
    Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I understand hun I too am not looking forward to the holidays i hate being around people i really do just want a quiet day but that won't happen and i wish you did not feel the same way hun Here if you ever need to just talk okay hugs
  3. Sleep

    Sleep Active Member

    I'm dreading Christmas and putting on a brave front because I'm just no good at that so I'm going to have to use valium. Again. Another fucking year and I still have to use this addictive shit that I can't get off.

    A big part of depression in my mind is life's mundane predictability and everyone and everything being the same; comfort zones I suppose. Life is 95% boring but I know Christmas will be just like any other Christmas. The same stupid routine.

    I can't wait for January and the start of lighter days slowly because it's much easier to get out of bed and the house and do things instead of being literally in a dark place. It's a really shit time of the year at the moment.
  4. SaraRose

    SaraRose Well-Known Member

    :/ Since about 13 years ago, Christmas has never been a wonderful time for me. Mainly because the day after is the day my mom died. She was the one that knew me. Would listen to me vent and cry. She was less like a mom and more like that best friend in the whole world. We did everything together and even though I was a teenager I was more then happy to go out to the stores with her just cuz she was that cool. Ever since her death, Chrstmas has been a blah-tastic time that has been marred with an ugly event.

    Plus it's a time I have to spend the day with the family, when I just wanna do nothing more then numb my mind with tv or the net. If I wanna cry I have to hold it in until later that night when I can finally cry in peace in my apartment.

    And right after that is New Years where I can be reminded AGAIN that I am utterly alone in this world. No friends, no one to be with. NO ONE!
  5. twing

    twing Active Member

    I know exactly what you mean, routine and predictability bores me so much sometimes to the point that i can hardly be bothered doing anything. Right now i know exactly what is happening Christmas day, i know where we are going what we will be eating, what time roughly we will go there, what time we will eat, what we will do after we eat, what time we will have desert, what we will do after that, i know what the conversations will be about, i know what questions i will get asked by other family members, i know how the whole day will plan out. Life is mundane and boring and it is up to you to change it but it is hard to pull yourself out of a hole when your feeling down and it seems like everyone loves trying to keep you there.

    Im not even counting down to Christmas i just looked at the date and realized oh it's 5 days away, I still don't care
  6. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    Another year almost here- blah blah. Thankfully I won't be around for much of it.
  7. kote

    kote Account Closed

    i hate it all with a passion!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  8. TheSlab

    TheSlab New Member

    I get to be in a corner listing to my parents/ family/ everyone praise and worship my older brother and his fabulous $25 hr. job in New York. They avoid me like a stain on the rug and if I try to join a conversation I'm ridiculed or get a "humored" chance to talk; "aw... lets let the baby babel,.... hows you job at McDonalds or whatever(I'm a professional chef)" I know, this is all f--king stupid and I'm a f--king b---h so f--k you all
  9. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I knit or crochet through each holiday event and talk to others as little as possible. If I have to talk to them, I ask something about them and then just respond mmhmm every once in a while. I keep reminding myself it's only for a few hours. Seems to work okay for me.
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