Anyone else?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by noreason56, Dec 13, 2007.

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  1. noreason56

    noreason56 Member

    Im not sure if I should be posting this here or not, I have no one else to talk to though and this is one of the first places that came up on google. Im not 100% if this site is real or not i browsed a bit of it and I find it hard to beleive there are others out there some close to my age feeling the same way. Im tired of everyone I meet always looking at me strange and asking me if im ok. I can only say im fine leave me alone so many times. I cant talk to anyone in my life cause I dont want them to know whats going on with me, I dont want their pity, So ive come here to explain the story of my life and see if anyone else is going through the same thing.

    I wrote this a few days ago while very close to releasing myself from this pain so I plan to just copy and paste it here as its how I truely feel...

    I am a 27 year old male.

    I have decided to write this because I have no one to talk to and I am so desperatly seeking someone
    to share my pain and hold some of the burden for me, as I can no longer hold it on my own.

    I have a brother, 3 years older then I who was raised with me by our mother until I was about 16. Yet
    we seem to be worlds apart even though we live under the same roof. Its as if we wernt raised by the
    same person at all, we are completly different. He is much stronger then I shall ever be.

    I am weak, I know that much, which is why I know I am alone now, alone in my home... If i can call it
    that. I feel as if I dont belong here, in this house or in this world. I have seen and done many things
    and have witnessed much pain in my life, yet I have never cried. Until recently, It seems, everyday now.

    I do not know why I am so sad, these things have become ancient past, it has been 11 years since my
    mother died in her sleep, yet I still think of it often. I think of the night before and the arguement
    we had just before she went to bed. I think about how I slept through the ambulance and rescue personel
    coming to aid her in the house as my brother did not. I think about how he got to say I love you one
    last time before she went into her eternal slumber.. and.. I think about how much of an angry child I
    was, about how much I took everything she did for granted.

    I never cried when she died. I do not know why. I didnt cry either when my uncle and my grandmother, only
    months later whom we had gone to live with had passed on. I didnt cry when my moms sister kicked us from their
    home soon after that. And I didnt cry when others stepped in to claim false care for us only to throw us out
    to the next person that would have us... or rather, throw me out. I think about the life my brother could
    have had if he didnt feel obligated to go with me, about how my anger as a child for the situation around me
    destroyed any possiability for a happy life for him, free of my misery.

    I never cried, yet I took anger instead, anger and hatred for the world around me, anger for the family that
    I had lost, anger for the father I had never had, and anger from the family that took him from us. Even anger
    for the half sister of mine the same age as I. And hatred for the physical abuse he put our mother through.

    Yet I never did anything, I swept along the current of my life, doing what I could to get by, working to
    pay bills without enough left to put food on the table, constantly 3 months in the hole without even a
    dollar to spare for some ramen soup. Aside from the anger and pain I am constantly haunted by persistant
    migranes that plague me throughout my days. Haunting me as if to taunt me at my very existance. They
    acknowledge my pain, so they give me phsyical pain to accompany it. I have grown to despise them yet even
    though my migranes plague me so they are the closest I know I will ever have to a true companion in this life.

    I had one once, admist the past events in my life, but blinded by anger and hatred at the situation around me
    I pushed her away and she began to resent and dislike me for it. She left soon after. Although I still
    remember laying by her side in bed holding her watching tv just laying there. It was the most peaceful I had
    ever been. The only true peace I have known. When she kissed my lips I felt as if there was a purpose to live
    and continue this life.

    I met her shortly after my first 2 suicide attempts. 1 by pills, 1 by a razor blade. If she had not come
    along Im positive I would have succeeded, for my determination had never been stronger.... Yet..

    She is gone now, and its been 3 years since that day and I look back now over the empty shell that is my
    life and wonder. What is my purpose here on earth? Was I born here to live through this torture then just
    die? Is that the true nature of life? To be born and die? I will have accomplished nothing in my life, and
    I see nothing worth accomplishing. I have no will to live, yet I know if I can change who I am I may find
    some measure of happinesses.. But like I said, I have no will left to live, and with that I have no will left
    to change. I have no more strength to carry this on anymore.

    All that remains is hatred, hatred for this world and its cruel torture....
  2. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    We haven't met just yet so let me first welcome you to SF.

    I am truly sorry for the way you feel, for all the pain and sufferance you have in yourself.

    I've read your post and realize that since your mother died, your resentment has not left you and nutrished that hatred for all and everything, anger that is part of the grieving that you never got over with which now is destroying all possibilities to move on and your offuscing your vision of what surrounds you. You have forgotten to move on after your loss and part of you still, today, separated from yourself in the present. AS IF part of you belong in the past (mind-grieving) and part (your body) is in the present.

    Most if not all of that anger and hatred could have been avoided if people around you had notice your pain and hurting and realized that you couldn't get over that grieving.

    It is not too late though hun. You do need to face this issue that is the why you are unhappy and fail to see objectively life as it is with both its positiveness and negativeness. You are simply stuck in a shell, in a period that you live over and over.... the feeling felt at your mom's death and havent been able, lacking tools and help and comprehendsion, to deal with properly.

    Your incapability to have-share-return emotions as love is due to your lack of maturity, not age wise, but part of you is still active and is your youth's period as when your mother died. You MUST face and deal with this issue without delay i fyou want to have a chance at life, love etc. You need to find a good counselor or therapist and clear out all the grey areas of your mind hun.

    Nothing is wrong with you. Only your past being active in the present and your incapability to let go... nutrishing the past to remain in the 'today' instead of finding a closure, proper closure to your grieving.

    I do hope you will consider my advice as you are wasting your life as it is... and missing so many opportunities for a better today and tomorrow.

    bless your soul

    be well and stay safe

  3. noreason56

    noreason56 Member

    You say bless my soul? So im assuming you beleive in god? If there truely is a god to bless my soul he does not answer my calls. He has rejected me. Im sure im too pathetic to warrent his care.

    I do not beleive in god, not after what ive been through, but I have tried to call on him many times in my desperation. I have seen no vission, heard no peaceful voice, nor felt any comforting presense. I am dead to him as I am dead to this world.
  4. noreason56

    noreason56 Member

    Hmf, Well atleast now I have my answer, I should have known I was on the right path and keeping my mouth shut was the correct thing to do. My own brother doesnt care i dunno why I expected to get something from posting here.

    A doctor? Will just try to shove pills in my mouth and tell me im going to be happy happy joy joy. I dont want medication to change my personality. I am who I am, even if I dont know why. I was looking for someone who understood.
  5. Fishman

    Fishman Guest

    I hate it when siblings don't give a shit.
  6. noreason56

    noreason56 Member

    Its 5:10 AM here are you unable to sleep aswell? Ive gotten around 2-3 hours sleep in the last 3 days, and thats not at once, its in about 15-30min intervals. My mind races at night I cant shut it off.
  7. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    God gave us Free Will. That means we have the choice whether or not to believe in Him. He's not just going to appear and grant your wishes like a genie. See, we have the CHOICE to acknowledge God's presence or to pretend He doesn't exist. That is the essence of Free Will.

    Faith is the permission we give God to act in our lives. How many times in the New Testament does Jesus say something akin to, "Your faith has healed you"?

    Well, if you don't believe oin God, then none of this matters, but if you still have doubts, just consider the above. I kinda know where you're coming from.

    And I DO know what it is like to lose a parent at a young age. I lost my Dad and it fucked me up big-time, for a long tiome.

    I'm very sorry for your loss.
  8. noreason56

    noreason56 Member

    I dont beleive in god, but nor do I go around trying to prove he doesnt exist. I just simply dont know either way therefore I cant beleive in what I dont know.

    I get your comment about "Faith has healed you" but I never asked for a fix for my problems from him, just some kind of sign he knew my pain, or was out there, basically a reason to live. And i was ignored. Nothing got better, infact things only got extremely worse.

    How long has it been since your loss? It seems to have been so long ago for me, so long I cant even picture her face anymore, or remember the sound of her voice, yet the pain seems present as ever.

    Ive made it through my life by distracting myself, but when I get bored of the distraction I always revert back to how I am now, Im suprised ive managed to make it this long.
  9. SoulRiser

    SoulRiser Well-Known Member

    You sort of remind me of someone I know... in a way.

    Doesn't care or just doesn't understand?

    I think it's psychiatrists that normally give pills, and psychologists that normally listen/give advice, but I'm not 100% sure. They seem to overlap quite a bit. But it's good that you don't want to change your personality, that's a good thing :)

    Antidepressants are overrated, they're only really meant to ease the pain while you solve the problems, not to replace the need to solve the problems entirely. With the exception of brain chemistry problems that is... I don't know much about those.

    Don't really know what else to say... is there a :hug: icon? ... :hug:
  10. alice0705

    alice0705 Well-Known Member

    I can relate to your part about delayed grief and all those emotions. My brother died, and another three deaths followed within four months. I was little. It took me a long time (over ten years and more) to grieve and, even then, I did not understand it was grief. I had a lot of rage, guilt, sadness, bitterness. I had so much inside I thought I was going to burst!

    I agree it would help to talk to someone. When I finally started dealing with it, I knew I was burning out my friends I was so wrapped up in it. I started going to a counselor and it helped a lot! You have a lot to sort through and deal with, a lot of emotion that has not been "processed".

    At least that is what I get from some of what you are saying. Maybe I am way off, not trying to put words in your mouth. Just my two cents.
  11. noreason56

    noreason56 Member

    Im not sure if my brother just doesnt understand or doesnt care, but I tried talking to him once and he kind of gave me the impression he thought I was pathetic or something because hes gone through the same stuff as but he doesnt seem to feel how I do. He thinks im trying to get attention or something I think which is why ive never talked to him since and I try to hide it when all possiable from him.

    I give him these fake smiles and fake laughs when he talks to me, and when he asks me whats wrong cause he knows somethings up I just tell em im tired or something. Hes the only person I have left and I dont want him to think im a joke.
  12. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Brothers do that hun. They are men, and do not know how to respond to emotional needs. Trust me. My brother cares more about me than almost anyone (my Mom, my Husband) in the world. He cares. He's just trying to deal with your emotions by making light of the situation. Guys do that. He loves you and would be destroyed by your death. Please hang in there. Believe me, the ONE person who might commit suicide if I died...would be my brother. He cares so much more than you know.
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