Im not sure if I should be posting this here or not, I have no one else to talk to though and this is one of the first places that came up on google. Im not 100% if this site is real or not i browsed a bit of it and I find it hard to beleive there are others out there some close to my age feeling the same way. Im tired of everyone I meet always looking at me strange and asking me if im ok. I can only say im fine leave me alone so many times. I cant talk to anyone in my life cause I dont want them to know whats going on with me, I dont want their pity, So ive come here to explain the story of my life and see if anyone else is going through the same thing.
I wrote this a few days ago while very close to releasing myself from this pain so I plan to just copy and paste it here as its how I truely feel...
I am a 27 year old male.
I have decided to write this because I have no one to talk to and I am so desperatly seeking someone
to share my pain and hold some of the burden for me, as I can no longer hold it on my own.
I have a brother, 3 years older then I who was raised with me by our mother until I was about 16. Yet
we seem to be worlds apart even though we live under the same roof. Its as if we wernt raised by the
same person at all, we are completly different. He is much stronger then I shall ever be.
I am weak, I know that much, which is why I know I am alone now, alone in my home... If i can call it
that. I feel as if I dont belong here, in this house or in this world. I have seen and done many things
and have witnessed much pain in my life, yet I have never cried. Until recently, It seems, everyday now.
I do not know why I am so sad, these things have become ancient past, it has been 11 years since my
mother died in her sleep, yet I still think of it often. I think of the night before and the arguement
we had just before she went to bed. I think about how I slept through the ambulance and rescue personel
coming to aid her in the house as my brother did not. I think about how he got to say I love you one
last time before she went into her eternal slumber.. and.. I think about how much of an angry child I
was, about how much I took everything she did for granted.
I never cried when she died. I do not know why. I didnt cry either when my uncle and my grandmother, only
months later whom we had gone to live with had passed on. I didnt cry when my moms sister kicked us from their
home soon after that. And I didnt cry when others stepped in to claim false care for us only to throw us out
to the next person that would have us... or rather, throw me out. I think about the life my brother could
have had if he didnt feel obligated to go with me, about how my anger as a child for the situation around me
destroyed any possiability for a happy life for him, free of my misery.
I never cried, yet I took anger instead, anger and hatred for the world around me, anger for the family that
I had lost, anger for the father I had never had, and anger from the family that took him from us. Even anger
for the half sister of mine the same age as I. And hatred for the physical abuse he put our mother through.
Yet I never did anything, I swept along the current of my life, doing what I could to get by, working to
pay bills without enough left to put food on the table, constantly 3 months in the hole without even a
dollar to spare for some ramen soup. Aside from the anger and pain I am constantly haunted by persistant
migranes that plague me throughout my days. Haunting me as if to taunt me at my very existance. They
acknowledge my pain, so they give me phsyical pain to accompany it. I have grown to despise them yet even
though my migranes plague me so they are the closest I know I will ever have to a true companion in this life.
I had one once, admist the past events in my life, but blinded by anger and hatred at the situation around me
I pushed her away and she began to resent and dislike me for it. She left soon after. Although I still
remember laying by her side in bed holding her watching tv just laying there. It was the most peaceful I had
ever been. The only true peace I have known. When she kissed my lips I felt as if there was a purpose to live
and continue this life.
I met her shortly after my first 2 suicide attempts. 1 by pills, 1 by a razor blade. If she had not come
along Im positive I would have succeeded, for my determination had never been stronger.... Yet..
She is gone now, and its been 3 years since that day and I look back now over the empty shell that is my
life and wonder. What is my purpose here on earth? Was I born here to live through this torture then just
die? Is that the true nature of life? To be born and die? I will have accomplished nothing in my life, and
I see nothing worth accomplishing. I have no will to live, yet I know if I can change who I am I may find
some measure of happinesses.. But like I said, I have no will left to live, and with that I have no will left
to change. I have no more strength to carry this on anymore.
All that remains is hatred, hatred for this world and its cruel torture....
I wrote this a few days ago while very close to releasing myself from this pain so I plan to just copy and paste it here as its how I truely feel...
I am a 27 year old male.
I have decided to write this because I have no one to talk to and I am so desperatly seeking someone
to share my pain and hold some of the burden for me, as I can no longer hold it on my own.
I have a brother, 3 years older then I who was raised with me by our mother until I was about 16. Yet
we seem to be worlds apart even though we live under the same roof. Its as if we wernt raised by the
same person at all, we are completly different. He is much stronger then I shall ever be.
I am weak, I know that much, which is why I know I am alone now, alone in my home... If i can call it
that. I feel as if I dont belong here, in this house or in this world. I have seen and done many things
and have witnessed much pain in my life, yet I have never cried. Until recently, It seems, everyday now.
I do not know why I am so sad, these things have become ancient past, it has been 11 years since my
mother died in her sleep, yet I still think of it often. I think of the night before and the arguement
we had just before she went to bed. I think about how I slept through the ambulance and rescue personel
coming to aid her in the house as my brother did not. I think about how he got to say I love you one
last time before she went into her eternal slumber.. and.. I think about how much of an angry child I
was, about how much I took everything she did for granted.
I never cried when she died. I do not know why. I didnt cry either when my uncle and my grandmother, only
months later whom we had gone to live with had passed on. I didnt cry when my moms sister kicked us from their
home soon after that. And I didnt cry when others stepped in to claim false care for us only to throw us out
to the next person that would have us... or rather, throw me out. I think about the life my brother could
have had if he didnt feel obligated to go with me, about how my anger as a child for the situation around me
destroyed any possiability for a happy life for him, free of my misery.
I never cried, yet I took anger instead, anger and hatred for the world around me, anger for the family that
I had lost, anger for the father I had never had, and anger from the family that took him from us. Even anger
for the half sister of mine the same age as I. And hatred for the physical abuse he put our mother through.
Yet I never did anything, I swept along the current of my life, doing what I could to get by, working to
pay bills without enough left to put food on the table, constantly 3 months in the hole without even a
dollar to spare for some ramen soup. Aside from the anger and pain I am constantly haunted by persistant
migranes that plague me throughout my days. Haunting me as if to taunt me at my very existance. They
acknowledge my pain, so they give me phsyical pain to accompany it. I have grown to despise them yet even
though my migranes plague me so they are the closest I know I will ever have to a true companion in this life.
I had one once, admist the past events in my life, but blinded by anger and hatred at the situation around me
I pushed her away and she began to resent and dislike me for it. She left soon after. Although I still
remember laying by her side in bed holding her watching tv just laying there. It was the most peaceful I had
ever been. The only true peace I have known. When she kissed my lips I felt as if there was a purpose to live
and continue this life.
I met her shortly after my first 2 suicide attempts. 1 by pills, 1 by a razor blade. If she had not come
along Im positive I would have succeeded, for my determination had never been stronger.... Yet..
She is gone now, and its been 3 years since that day and I look back now over the empty shell that is my
life and wonder. What is my purpose here on earth? Was I born here to live through this torture then just
die? Is that the true nature of life? To be born and die? I will have accomplished nothing in my life, and
I see nothing worth accomplishing. I have no will to live, yet I know if I can change who I am I may find
some measure of happinesses.. But like I said, I have no will left to live, and with that I have no will left
to change. I have no more strength to carry this on anymore.
All that remains is hatred, hatred for this world and its cruel torture....
