Anyone else?

[~CazzaAngel~]

First of all I have agoraphobia associated with anxiety disorder. blah. Anyway.....lately I have been more stressed, depressed, anxious, more tired, angery, scared........Well, the battle to leave my apartment and deal with things has gotten much worse, it's a constant battle. I want to go into the center to get help but I am missing apointments, I will wake up get online watch the clock, have a cigarette, and try and debate myself into getting dressed and going in, and it will scare me even more when I can't drag myself in. And since I left I am terribly scared. In a month I have left my apartment maybe 6 times a most. And it's mainly just over to my friend Brenda's. But really nowhere else besides the store, once. (which was aweful)


Anyone experiencing anything like this: very paranoid, scared of people plotting against you, thinking of ways to harm you, having seveer anxiety, and feelings that others are watching you, laughing at you, no being able to leave and do things that you need to and so on....???

:hug:


With loadsa hugs,
Carolyn.

 

[Insignificant]

hi carolyn,

every day i go in to work i am terribly paranoid. yesterday i was driving home from taking my kid to football practice and saw what looked like my managers car. no big deal right? well it was his day off and i became terribly afraid that he had come in to cover my shift because i was going to get fired that day. i would try to tell myself this was ridiculous but i wouldn't believe it til i got to work and felt the relief that he wasn't there. there is no reason i should be fired, but i do have a complaint filed federally about them which is in i guess u could say negotiations. i always feel like they are trying to make things more difficult to discourage me so i will quit but of course i don't cause i love what i do and frankly i think i'm good at it. i have alot to learn but i keep trying. i always have to remind myself of this. but i am living now in constant fear that they don't want me there anymore even though everyone in my store (ok almost there is one) i work well with. i haven't done anything wrong except in my absenses with trips to the hospital. i just wish i could let them know i am no more crazy about those trips than they are in fact i would say i like it alot less.

this is carrying over into every aspect of my life now. i don't like to leave my house unless i absolutely positively have to and when i am out i try to get what i need to done at one time so i don't have to do it again. i have children and that is what keeps me going out of the house. if it wasn't for them i know and believe without a doubt i would be a complete recluse. so i guess that is a good thing. but this is becoming much harder to keep up with all the time.

when i was young i was so sociable it was amazing in fact i put 80,000 miles on my car in one year i was so never at home and now i don't even put twenty miles a week on. i totally believe people are always talking about me behind my back and are making me out to be a really bad person. i would say i can be a pain in the ass but i don't believe i am bad, but people don't want anything to do with me anymore. people when they see me in the store tuck their heads and walk in the other direction purposely avoiding me, even though i am not sure as to what i have done.

all this to say. hang in there carolyn. i think of that movie "what about bob?" and the book baby steps. i really think that is what it takes sometimes. i know it's not easy to say the least it never is for me but i know if i don't keep doing this first off i will die for sure but secondly i will be able to have no life with my kids. u know girl any time u want to talk u can pm me. and maybe i won't have the right words or any words at all for that matter but i do know i can be a great ear. hang in there lady and hope to talk to you soon

 

[non_existence]

Anyone experiencing anything like this: very paranoid, scared of people plotting against you, thinking of ways to harm you, having seveer anxiety, and feelings that others are watching you, laughing at you, no being able to leave and do things that you need to and so on....???

Yeah, I still have extreme fear of people but I've managed to fix it a little bit and its pretty much entirely suppressed. But before it used to be really really bad. I had 1 school semester where my depression got so bad that I stopped going to classes after the first week and just spent all day every day playing computer games and eating junk food. I only left the house to do groceries every few weeks and to take exams [which I mostly failed, heh] and when I left my house I couldn't even look at any other people due to this intense irrational & unexplained fear. When someone walked past me my whole body would just tense up uncontrollably, felt so paralyzed and helpless.

It's a lot better nowadays though, I'm not entirely sure what made it improve cuz I've been screwing around with a lot of different things in the last few years so it's probably a combination of things. Probably what helped the most was doing self-hypnosis. All I did was relax my body to the point that it was completely numb and weightless, then I'd repeat some affirmation over and over to convine my subconscious mind that it's true. I kept repeating "I am comfortable in every social situation" a thousand times. After doing that for a while I felt different around people. The self-hypnosis might've just repressed the fear instead of remove it, not sure.

 

[theleastofthese]

Altho I'm sometimes afraid of people, for real or imaginary reasons, the person I'm most afraid of is myself. I do myself more damage than anyone else can do. In my best moments I wonder why I hate myself so much and wish I could stop; in my worst moments I feel I deserve far worse than what I do to myself. Not physical harm, self-injury, but mental harm: self-loathing to the Nth degree. I want to say, and believe, that I don't deserve such treatment, by me or by anyone, but I still feel that I"m shit and deserve all the hurt I get. Maybe I'll get it right in my next life but I'm afraid this one is permanently screwed up. Sorry for going off topic.

least

 

[beautifuloblivion]

I know what you mean, least. I have good moments when I like myself...usually when I start to feel angry and bitter about all the pain other people have caused me. I feel like I'm a decent person and I don't deserve what they've done to hurt me. In these moments, I really, really hate other people. Not scared of them so much, just angry with them.

But those moments don't occur very often and they never last long. Mostly, the person I hate is myself. For my faults, my insecurities. The mistakes I've made, the chances I've ruined, the people I've hurt. I feel like everyone should hate me and I deserve all the crap I take. I feel guilty and responsible for everything. I wish I could stop blaming myself, but I don't know how because I hate everything about myself and as far as I can tell...I'm the one at fault.