I had a dream last night that she finally told me to fuck off. I felt scared and slightly liberated. But it was that fucking annoying and overpowering feeling of being on my own. Ive almost always had someone with me, except for a certain period of time... which.. was liberating and even more destructive. I couldnt leave in my dream. I hid in the fucking attic. I wouldnt in real life, but wtf? Fear of being in control and alone much? What a horrible feeling dream. then it switched to me with my friends from school and then for some reason we were walking through a campus on our way out, but were stopped and forced to listen to this lecture in a hallway/giftshop.(it was weird) There was about 40 people and they started talking, and I was getting impatient because I didnt choose to sit there. Then they started having presentations or something and suddenly this yound kid stands up near me and starts a presentation. I got so fed up I just stood up and said fuck this shit and left.
For some reason my shoes were off? as I walked out. But instead of going to the doors, i went to a bloody window and climbed out. Then I was confronted by someone who saw me and they called me a thiefe, as I continued walking on, thinking to myself how little this person understood from a basic situation. Which led me to want my shoes, so I began walking through the main parking lot back to the main doors near the gift shop when one of my "friends" walks in my direction towards a large vechile I think. Cant remember what he said, but I kept walking without disregarding him,(gave some sort of friendly chatter/acknowledgement) and continued back inside, collected my shoes and.. i donno, merged into another dream which I dont want to go into.
So I reckon I have fears of individuality, being on my own an in control. A failing inside that promotes a submissive and embarrassing mentality to justify hiding in a attic. A failing to commit, as the schooling would suggest and a lack of patience for others as they enjoy life at the expense of my personal time, which leads to over reaction and a general "standing on a table screaming" and making a fool of myself. Then to make things even worse by running off that flow creating ripple effects by my actions which causes other people to think a way specific way because of the way im interacting with the environment and people around me. Then dismissing them and fending them off, creating even more friction when there is aboslutly no need for it. Atleast I don't dismiss the desires of my "friends" too drastically when they are trying to enjoy them, minus the little outburst I had, which I could justify as defending what I consider to be the last and most precious thing I have left, my own Time here. Though it was at their expense because I dominated the moment with my outburst.
To end it, I endure the humilation of my mistakes and failings by having to walk the back in and get my shoes.
Weird dream. What I want is not normal. So I suppose everything that is normal is ok for a bit, but it is a numbing agent to the failing individual that I truly am. And at the end, id rather be a failing me then a fake me. Even though I have a mask, i need time to breath as who I am. x hours a day doesnt count. Im not a timetable. I hate eating. I hate using the washroom. I hate going outside. I hate talking. I hate having to do things. I hate being the same. I hate learning. I hate no knowing. I hate being ignorant. I hate that I make stupid mistakes. I hate that I forget things 1 minute after doing them. I hate that I cant talk to anyone because I make no sense and dont have a normal flow. I hate alot about me. If I could see and interact with me, Id chain myself up and whip the fuck out of my life until I either killed myself or found that part of me thats hiding and refusing to take command of what I am. Whatever the fuck that may be.
:mhmm:
I guess im only interested in myself now and how I can touch and grow from other things. The rest, is not my problem. It's your life. You live it and enjoy or suffer it.
but thats bloody impossible to do considering I sit ontop of the labour and efforts of so many people. Governments, workers, ect Everything I wear, everything I eat, everything I touch to some degree is created or adjusted by omeone else for me. I cant escape it. I want to be alone but I want everything too. Thankgod for my failings as an individual. Id be a horrible person. Id use and abuse I bet to satisfy whatever I want. Though I dont know. I dont want people tos uffer or be negatised by who I am or my touch. So I stay away. But I cant. ... I cant survive on my own, I cant survive with you. I cant survive I just numb through it all, with my chest pounding everyday for the moments it can when im alone. Theres no place for me. theres no place for me to call my own entirely. What would I do there anyhow? The same thing as now. Deterorate. Dissolve, mentally explore and vanish.
Sigh I write too much I need someone to tell me to shut the fuck up and to give me boundaries. ffs. Need..... im really failing though. Nothings getting better. Its only just new things all the time, new stimulations and aweness. Nothings getting better. Nothings changing . its just new. new new bounce bounce bounce distract hope distract hope dream hope new bounce distract all the while dissolving inside. Id rather see myself dissolve then wake up one day and wonder how it happened.