Anyone ever been through this?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tao1989, Jul 23, 2011.

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  1. tao1989

    tao1989 Member

    I won't go into too too much detail cause if I did I could ramble on for pages about the whole experience but..this has been my main source of depression and suicidal feelings for years. My mom used to be the most amazing mom ever. She loved everyone unconditionally, worked hard all day and was always there for everyone whenever they needed her. Then at some point, I don't even remember why when or how, but she started taking pain killers.


    Might of been from her getting hurt at work, or was sometime after my father left her for the second time, I'm not sure. I can't even remember the progressive downfall, all I can think or remember of her is how it's been the past few years. Every day, literally every day she just complains shes in pain. Every day shes miserable. Shes been rushed to the ER multiple times, one time staying in the hospital a whole month straight, been put into multiple detox clinics, seen multiple doctors. Was diagnosed first with fibromyalgia, and put on heavy, heavy amounts of painkillers. oxys, the whole deal. It got go bad she used to actually have me put the pills in her mouth cause for whatever reason she was too out of it to put them in there and swallow. And sometimes I'd even have to pull them out and grab the pill box from her to stop her from killing herself. Real fucked up shit to do to someone you love more than anything.

    It's not as bad as that now..but shes so unhappy. She just sits in her room all day in the dark, watching TV or surfing the web. Shes also doing online college courses as well. The main thing is though there's just..no hope. I can't do anything for her or to make it better. It's endless. Being around her is so depressing that the last time she was forced to go to the ER I just..snapped inside. I couldn't cry anymore, I just hated her. I hated life for having this happen, I don't even know if this is her doing or some sick twist of fate thrown upon her. Either way I can't deal. So I just avoid her, stare blankly at her when she talks about how much pain shes in. I hate myself for it. I guess this ended up being longer than I planned but..has anyone been through anything like this? How did you cope?
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hey, Tao. :hug: Sounds rough. I feel for you. You're not a bad person for feeling the way you do. You're human, young, over-burdened, and tired.

    Has your mom been diagnosed with depression or other mental illness? It sounds like maybe she is numbing both physical and emotional pain. Would she agree to see the doctor and/or go to a rehab facility again?

    Regardless of how her problems started, it sure sounds like you got the short straw...a young person, maybe even from when you were VERY young, taking care of your mother. So, I'm not surprised to hear that you're tired and that you tend to tune her out. Have you any support and care from anyone else for YOU? I'm glad you're able to come here and post. :)

    Your mother's problems don't need to be yours. If you don't already have a counsellor or therapist, perhaps you could look into that. You likely need someone that you can talk to about how you really feel about things because you probably love your mom on one level and resent all the hassles on another level. Talking to a therapist can help you sort out mixed feelings and he/she will likely be able to teach you some good coping strategies.

    Thinking of you :hug:
     
  3. tao1989

    tao1989 Member

    I don't really know anymore honestly what shes been diagnosed with. She's told me and said a million different things, different meds shes on at this point I just don't care anymore. As for therapy maybe it'd help but its just not something I feel like I can do. My mom and dad are already stressed to the max and I just don't want to throw this on them. And yeah my dad honestly does almost everything for her now and hes 76 years old. Makes me feel even more ashamed and stressed this is his whole life but there's just no good answer. What good does it do anyone if I help and stay involved, just makes me more depressed and angry. Also there's *always* this voice in the back of my head telling me this really could all just be some sick addiction shes given herself. I can't deal with that reality, and I've been told by her sister thats what she thinks it is. If I ever found out it was or she was manipulating this whole situation and me and my dad just to feed her addiction I'd..wow. I'd really want to fucking kill her. I never would but thats how much rage it'd bring out of me.
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    OK. Fair enough to be angry. What would you LIKE to do to improve the situation for YOU?

    Are you living with them? Dependent on them? There because they need your help? Or are you simply living "knowing what's going on" (and that's bad enough without living there?)?

    Have you gone to any of the support groups for people who live with addicts (Adult Children of Alcoholics is for adults who grew up in ANY kind of dysfunctional home). Just having people to rely on who understand the sorts of things that are happening to you can be a relief of sorts.
     
  5. tao1989

    tao1989 Member

    To improve I'd really like to move out but..I've failed all my jobs, failed my driving tests, already crashed a car one time. They're just excuses, I know it's up to me to get over and do them. I didn't mean to portray my parents as satan or something, they've done everything for me and more, and I'd give anything to fix this situation for good.

    I just remember working all day at a shitty job, coming home to a depressed house, no real friends to be with or car to go out and do what I want. I just couldn't cope and quit everytime. I guess this is something I gotta just do and gut it out.

    And no I've never gone to anything. I don't ever tell anyone about this or how I feel, even my own parents.
     
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I didn't think you'd portrayed your folks as "satan" - just that there are some troubles with the dynamics and such. I'm quite sure they love you and you love them. But that doesn't make it any easier to live with the issues you've mentioned.

    Tao, I honestly don't think this problem is "yours" to fix...It's your mom's. And she probably needs help to do it - rehab help.

    Do you and your dad ever talk about what is happening? I wonder if he also feels at the end of his tether. It's not easy for either of you. I suspect that he would either "deny" there's a problem or welcome the chance to talk about it with you. Scary for you either way, I'm sure. :hug:

    Do you work now? Can you start to save some money as the first step to making moving out your goal? Sometimes setting the goal and then working towards it, even slowly, can help us to feel more hopeful.
     
  7. Isabel

    Isabel Staff Alumni

    Tao,

    I think all your feelings toward your mother are perfectly normal and understandable and that it will be important that both you and your father get support. Acy is giving some really excellent advices. Something a bit similar happened to me when I was younger. Its a long story but here is the relevant part: I was expected to take care of my aging grand-mother who was getting pretty sick and always complaining about her health. It was very hard, but I walked away in a fashion, limiting my visits to a few hours instead of staying for weeks at a time, limiting phone calls, redirecting the conversation or tuning off when she started complaining about her health etc...The good thing is that when she realized I was not there as much, she relied much more on external help, nurses, on going out to socialize, lifting much of the burden from my shoulders and improving her life as well. You may want to look into Codependent Anonymous.
     
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