Not to get personal, but I guess we can here, but did you attempt? I have so much crap wrong with me...ocd, ptsd, anxiety, depression....most stemming from trauma 3 years ago which resurrected childhood wounds, etc., that I am feeling mighty hopeless. I have the worlds best husband, kids and grandchild so realistically I cannot Kill my self but I do not see a future....Please share any secrets....thanks,
Don't worry about it, i'm happy to talk about these things, especially if it might help.
And sorry if it's a really long reply, i can be kinda rambly these days.
Yeah, i did make one actual attempt, which thankfully didn't work or do any lasting damage. That one was right when i was first getting seriously depressed, after spending 2 or 3 weeks self-harming in a failed attempt to fight the thoughts off. After that was mainly a number of near-attempts, some of them exceedingly brutal. I was in some very dark places along the way.
I'd been dealing with depression, ASD, OCD, something that according to 3 separate therapists and a mental health triage nurse was most likely PTSD, but which my psychiatrist never agreed on, so it was never official, and anxiety disorders so severe they actually caused me to get misdiagnosed as psychotic for a while. The possible PTSD stemmed from the loss of my mother in a car accident when i was 10. And i didn't realise it at the time, but my best friend was a gaslighting manipulator who subtly emotionally abused people and put them down, myself included. The levels of self-hatred i was feeling were unspeakable. Like i know a lot of people here hate themselves, but i suspect they don't quite reach the levels of white hot, frothing, screaming, trying to claw chunks out of my own face levels of rage i did. And i think the key component in my improvement was about working to recognise that as vile, worthless, and generally irredeemable as i thought i was, none of it was fair.
A lot of it was about learning to compliment myself, to be nice to myself, and to stop trying to discredit the nice things other people said about me as just them lying out of pity. It does have to start small, but it can make such a difference if you can learn to give yourself the benefit of the doubt and admit that maybe the world wouldn't be better off without you, that maybe you aren't making people's lives worse for being in them. And seriously, i've gone from being the kind of person who listened to death metal just because it expressed the sheer level of hatred i felt for myself, to somebody who people actually confess amazes them with how self-confident he seems. It totally is possible to learn to be kinder to yourself, no matter how worthless you may currently feel.